Isolated thoughts

51. One more day

I find the thought of ‘if I had one more day I would…’ to be filled with a lot longing and one’s innermost desires. Whenever I reflect on the past I find myself wishing I had done things differently. And given the chance, I can think of quite a few situations which, had they been altered, could have changed my present quite drastically.

But the thought of only having one more day to live is one I find most titillating. My inner hedonist would run wild. Whilst I would think that I won’t know what I would like to do, I actually do.

I told my mom that I wanted to run a full marathon next year. I probably just want bragging rights and to do it for the experience and the medal. Also the shirt.

Advertisements

50

 

I don’t think anyone gets it – when you’re so in tune with your dog and it’s your one and only constant source of comfort after every shit day in the world. Leaving Singapore sucks every single time because I feel like shit for leaving her behind. And she mopes for the next few days because she realises that I’m not going to come back for a long time. Until I come back and she refuses to let me out of her sight for the next 3 days. I think that I will be incredibly broken when she leaves me behind. Of every living being in this world, I think that I genuinely care for this silly poodle the most.

Update: Watched my first c-section, caught the puppy and it is alive!

Of leaving

The past few times I’ve been back I’ve felt more eager to leave than anything. Something has changed this time – I find the idea going back slightly dreadful and have actually quite enjoyed my short stay in sunny little Singapore.

It has been the loveliest time spent with horses, riding, eating, playing darts, trying and failing to drink and with my dog. If there was anything that I wish for I wish that I had more time for myself but that will come when I get back to Australia. I might also wish for more of a reason to come back but not really, I’m okay with where most things stand.

Life certainly feels like lots of little sojourns weaved together. I have always wished for more consistency in the people I have in my life but this is where it stands when you’re only in SG for a good 3/52 weeks of the year. Not that I’m friendless – I’ve my regular core individuals/groups that I meet every single time I’m back regardless of circumstance; I just hate investing in more temporary ones.

Seeing me pack makes Honey sad. I know that she knows what is coming but saying goodbye is something I forbid myself to do because goodbyes mean that we will be separated forever.

49

 

 

4 more days in Singapore doesn’t seem like quite enough time but it will have to do for now. I miss having confidants that I can talk honestly to: about pursuing dreams, hopes for the future and trivial shit. Conclusions – I am a terrible drinker in the sense that alcohol makes me feel like shit if hell bold, life is incredibly unfair and relationships just aren’t going to work for the next 9 years or so. In the recent years, I have only ever felt truly excited once in the process of texting, and I just feel incredibly disinterested and cynical about the whole dating shebang because of the shitload of possible incompatibilities that come with dreams and being me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love more than anything to get my own place and decorate it and clearly, if that is to ever happen in SG I need a partner. In the past week working with children and horses alike I have found the thought of having kids quite favourable as well. And hence I have decided that I will not settle for breadcrumbs when I want cake, and I will never make the mistake of giving my all if the other party doesn’t feel the same way.

Of horses and other things

I’ve always wanted to have a (rideable and lovely) mare and a silly shetland pony to keep it company but I might change my mind soon. Horses are hard work. It’s not just feeding them but grooming, cleaning and keeping them healthy, all of which my body and wallet cannot commit to. Not to mention 6 weekly farrier visits and 6 monthly dentistry (to be very honest I may perhaps pull both of them off…but still) checks. RIP childhood dreams.

I’ve realised that I’m the kind of idiot that goes up to the bitey and admittedly nasty pony to say goodbye when exhausted and dying on my feet after a day’s worth of work. All because he came to the front of the stall for hellos. I’m walking 5km or so every single day just going to and fro the MRT, stables and coffee shop across the road on top of walking horses, grooming and volunteering to do other tasks outside my job scope and I am dead beat. After walking back from the bus stop I dragged myself downstairs for a walk because Honey has been stuck at home alone the whole damned day. This trip back home has been wonderful though, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

Today I had fun painting poles and braiding pony fringes. I learnt that having not so chinese features could be attributed to being pure teocheow heritage-wise because it is apparently a thing (?), and chatted to the petrol station uncle whilst he was filling up the car. Good times.

I got to try some liberty work today and it’s hella cool. First read about it in my younger days from a fictional horse book and it feels pretty amazing to have successfully done it. The main point (from my amateur pov) is to strengthen one’s relationship with the horse using a more ‘natural’ way of horsemanship aka not riding or lunging. Feeling happy that the horse came to me/was looking at me for instructions at the end – it’s a pretty amazing feeling to have it come to you out of its own accord. What a great day it is to be alive!

I’ve long forgotten how riding feels like flying, and that has to be of my favourite feelings in the world.

48

You will be ok, Jolyn. Everything will be okay.

I am starting my last week of farm placements at the last place I imagine myself to be doing a placement at – a polo horse place close to home.

Honey turns 7 in a few days but I don’t feel like she has aged much. I’m halfway relieved but I feel like a terrible person for I am unlikely to come back and look after her in her senior years. If my math works out she will be around for another 8 or so, which is ages but I fear that she shall leave me before I ever reach a significant milestone in my life.

Whatever happened to having her with me if/when I get married? And wanting to come back and care for her when she’s old and fragile?

47

If there is anything that I have been repeatedly telling myself, it is to focus on the short-term future. This week has been one of the most draining and exhausting, with 5 exams in a span of 7 days. I don’t complain about the endless cramming with barely any time to breathe but it is exhausting not having enough time or resources to do my best. I find there to be a world of difference having 3 days to prepare for an exam compared to less than 24 hours for a totally different unit. And I suppose for that for someone that needs to achieve more to attain her goals, it doesn’t feel quite that fair. Given the extra time, I could definitely get high(er) distinctions with much more confidence. Rather than scrambling to learn an entire unit in less than 24 hours after an already exhausting enough marathon 4 days and guessing 50% of the answers because what the fuck man, I can’t do it. Life really isn’t fair.

On the bright side: just one unit and two papers left!

46

I have my first paper in approximately 12 hours time. I’m excited if nervous as per normal – I feel quite unsure about what might come out for this unit as it does not have very concrete learning objectives to fulfill.

My week was spent studying or trying to do so, with little bits of hanging out with friends and tutoring in between. I ran one last exam prep session in front of 40 people, which was incredibly daunting, to say the least. For as long as I can remember I am not a confident speaker, and I still doubt myself especially when I’m not a master of the subject at hand. But baby steps will do – I am convinced that one day I’d be comfortable standing in front of 600 people and speaking.

On further reflection, I think that I do make a good tutor – I listen more than I speak, and I am earnest in my attempts at putting things across in a suitable way. I care about my students and their learning, and I do things for their benefit. I genuinely hope that they go well in their studies and not just because I get performance reviews and statistically analyzed. Not even because my pay is based on their feelings of having benefitted. I just want them to do well in life.

Of course I, too, want to do well. 4 exams in the next 5 days and 7 papers in total before I can head home for a fortnight – this too shall pass.

Update: I had my first paper this morning and I feel terribly drained and weary. I am not convinced that I will be able to score the 73% that I need to obtain a high distinction, and I feel like utter crap. I don’t know how to deal with getting anything other than perfect grades. And I would feel like shit when I break my streak of what I consider to be necessary grades. I wish I had been more alert and studious, and more present during the exam perhaps. Now on to anatomy and crying because I am even more convinced that I will not make the grade that I want.

45

If it is any consolation, I am struggling too. I can never win people over nor build genuine and meaningful relationships with those I would like to. My quietness is a hindrance more than a strength because the loudest voice wins most of the time. And I will always be second best and undermined because of this inherent disposition to allow others speak and walk over me. I do not value the things that others do, which leads to diverging paths and incredible frustration for I will have to take risks beyond what others do to achieve what I want to. And I am trying my hardest to succeed with the knowledge that if I do not make it, that is it for me and I shall live a life of mediocrity.

44

I will be heading back to Singapore in 4 weeks’ time, and whilst I suppose I am looking forward to being back I do not really truly do. I have booked a week of farm prac and am possibly going to stay for a little longer than a short week for once. And amongst the bits of Singapore that I am looking forward to its possibly the friends, the food and my dog, given that she still remembers me.

This semester has been so exhausting as of late. The past 3 months have honestly felt more like a year considering the amount of change in my life. I have new relationships, tried to maintain old ones, gotten new gigs and find myself juggling more than I have ever imagined myself balancing than ever before. I have been trying so hard, and seeing so little progress and gotten sucked into the toxicity of a culture I have longed to leave behind. Even so, I have succeeded in more than one ways this semester – and for that I am grateful. I don’t quite regret the days I went out and explored this city instead of studying. And I suppose that is my attempt at achieving a balance between work (3 now) and my studies.

Otherwise, whilst extremely busy and stretched thin at times, I am okay. I have achieved more than I could have ever dreamed of when I first embarked on this journey 2 years ago, and I am more determined than ever to pursue my dreams. And even these dreams change – I have a completely different goal in mind compared to when I first started vet school. I genuinely hope that I do indeed make it against all odds, best if I do before I turn 30. I count myself fortunate that I am almost completely free to dedicate my entire being to being the best I can be. I don’t think that there is anything that could possibly hold me back. And whilst a lonely path to take, I am confident in myself.

At least a little bit.