Isolated thoughts


I can’t tell if I’m being overly hormonal and chronically stressed out, but I am undoubtedly very sad. The kind where I want to come home to the comfort of a warm embrace and ‘it’s going to be okay’ but as I have recently learnt, niceties get you nowhere.



I’m in my ‘ok, time to clear out the pantry before I leave for 9 days, good riddance’ stage where I try my best to finish everything but I’m always 2 potatoes and 5 carrots away from achieving my goal. And then again it is incredibly tempting to buy that 10kg bag of rice that I do not urgently need, alongside a good kilo of salmon because it is cheap.

I am glad that I’m taking time off to go back despite the possibility of falling behind on already abysmal grades because:

1. I need a break from work and trying (+ failing) to be the better man.

2. Life has been extremely trying. I feel like I’ve just dived head into a choppy sea, and sure, it is slightly calmer underwater but I’m sinking. And it’s only week 3.

3. I’ve been questioning why I try so hard to keep up with my studies, work and get involved when really, does it matter in the end? I will, realistically speaking, never be rich no matter how much effort I put into all my pursuits. Unless I somehow become a tai-tai, but what’s the sheer likelihood of that?

4. I hate people. Passive-aggressive moment here but I struggle to live with people sometimes. I acknowledge that I am anal and selfish – because all of us are self-serving creatures to an extent. But I will never take advantage of my living situation without giving due consideration to my position, and neither will I impose for an extended period of time. Furthermore, I will not be surly and rude despite feeling uncomfortable or timid maybe, and I will basically never be a surly, unpleasant bitch to someone who is otherwise a stranger. No matter what someone else says.


18 more days, my love. Just 18 more days!

Also had a great weekend – with a dinner, mahjong, another dinner with friends, alone time, and a hike and brunch after at an amazing cafe. I wish to convince myself that this can be enough for me; it is more than enough.

I think my plans to explore Australia with my cousin might have gone down the drain. And whilst I am somewhat disappointed, I am rather relieved as I am not too keen on parting with the nice sum of money that I have saved just to travel in a way I might not 100% agree with. I literally do not want to be the kind of person that has no money of my own. And I suppose with every disappointment comes a blessing – I have more time to do my clinical prac, write my report and hopefully work more.

I have my whole December back in Singapore and I do not know what to do with it other than to swipe tinder relentlessly for shits and giggles and in an attempt to widen my social circle. Then again I hate shallow conversations with dick heads and I refuse to invest any time or resources getting to know someone if it doesn’t result in a future together. Which basically means that I can’t even be bothered to try because I do not know my future i.e. working in SG as a fresh grad is not a goal I am actively setting out after because really, I have nothing other than Honey and my family to come back for. Someone bless my nunnery and dedication to saving animals, please.

I think that I would love to settle where I can spend my weekends having quality time doing the things that make my soul happy like hikes and brunch after. Where I can experience the seasons as they change and actually live in a little place completely mine and done up by me. I’d be damned if this actually happens and I end up somewhere I would love to be.


Searching for cheap air tickets because I want to attempt solo tripping in my month back home in December but I realise that the northern hemisphere is cold, which I am shit at dealing with. I am also semi-terrified about the prospect of being an awkward potato in social situations, and asking strangers about how to get to places because I am shy.

I was babbling to my Mom in Chinese because god forbid someone understands what I’m bitching about, and I cussed (in Chinese) and my Mom found it amusing and laughed.

I find that university makes relationships go awry very easily. Or, to put it in better words, the uncertainty of the future and the lack of constant contact because it is an awful lot of effort to keep giving attention when one has so many other (more pressing) things to focus on. The only way I can see it work out is in the scenario of being in the same university or in close living proximity, with a clear view of what the future holds (ie no grossly incompatible futures). And whilst listening to the people I care about I find myself biting my tongue more often than not because I hate seeing that unsettled emotional state in someone else.

But perspectives are often very skewed, and to be frank despite having the capacity to remember a lot of useless shit I cannot recount many experiences with confidence. So basically whilst being objective I started reflecting and finding a lot of fault in myself. I realise that I might have a lot of self-loathing for a lot of things that I did in the past. Regardless of whatever I thought/felt, it really doesn’t justify lashing out. But, whatever, right as long as everyone is happier now. Far better to be labelled a psycho bitch than anything else.


I learnt how to play mahjong and played it overnight before rolling into work on Saturday surviving on Oldtown White Coffee(s) with no sleep at all. The moment I got home I crashed for 13 hours and I have declared Sunday as my ‘recuperating from bad life decisions’ day. But hey it’s just week one of many long arduous weeks to come, and I have worked hard this week. Kinda.

If all is well I shall survive my 9 hours of back-to-back lectures (with a one-hour ‘break’ that I am going to run my class in). I sincerely hope that I manage to do it all and survive.

I have realised that I have become very bitchy. To be fair, I just have no tolerance for hypocrites or repeated wussing out and I am incredibly irritable when it comes to others’ idiosyncrasies. I will bitch and I will criticize but I will not confront because I am passive and non-confrontational till something really needs to be said and done. If karma is a thing I am seriously screwed because my internal dialogue and unfiltered comments can be brutal and harsh.

Just let me get through as a decent student, become a respectable professional (if I can) and I’ll be happy for the rest of my life.


Off the top of my head –

  1. I must have vaccinated about 10 ferrets today and found that I’m getting quick at injecting really quickly and taking my hands away from angry animals
  2. Free burgers for lunch and a chat is good
  3. I made decent tasting Japanese curry for dinner and for meal prep
  4. I need to stop buying crappy fruits on sale – I have a kilo of peaches that I refuse to eat because I have to skin them, which I have no patience for
  5. Uni is starting tomorrow and I am not ready/ so switched off
  6. I don’t want to see people. I’m fine with running my sessions and talking to new people, but I just don’t like facing people in class. I also realise I’m happier living alone.
  7. I’m on some silly attempt to get better at Chinese by listening to the same 5 Chinese songs on loop. That subconsciously forces you to learn, right?
  8. I’ve realised that I go about life with a ‘you have nothing to lose’ and a false sense of confidence-kind of attitude, which is good maybe?
  9. I need to do some social pruning
  10. Please let me get through this semester alive, not mentally deranged and chronically stressed out

6. Opportunities

I just got offered another job. And my life is now a mess of settling the admin side of things, waiting for training, and trying to tie loose strings together before the semester begins. I feel tired and wary, if not unhappy. I’ll be heading to uni 3 times next week even before the semester begins for work. And I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew.

Is there a way of maintaining a perfect GPA whilst wanting more money, experience and fun? Or, more importantly, is this even significant in the bigger picture of things? Is it worth the stress I am putting myself under if I end up not being able to make it professionally at all?

Above anything, self, I wish you saw brighter days ahead instead of meaningless existence and stopped struggling so hard for nothing. You cannot always win. And it is okay to stumble and fall, as long as you get up and try again.

On a more positive note, there are plans to road trip down the east coast and chase the southern lights in tassie with my cousin over winter. We always seem to plan for trips over the new year, and I realise that life is terribly exciting when you have money to blow and time to spend.

5. Perspective

I often think about and attempt to plan for the (far) future. If there is anything that I believe in, it’s that the small random steps in various directions when I was younger has very nicely lined up to bring me where I am right now. My very position in life, studying to become a veterinarian was the ultimate product of a youth reading books on horses, riding, softball training, a biodiversity research project, teaching internship and random foray through a part-time job into veterinary practice. As well as good grades, because I don’t have the luxury of failure. The unrelated bits made me used to great failure, and I had never tasted anything as bitter as not feeling like I had a place in my countries’ society on my terms.

These days I contemplate returning to Singapore, setting life goals and evaluating when, if ever, would be a good time. It is easy to say ‘I want to work abroad and take my career to its greatest heights, and in order to be the best veterinarian I can be’. I definitely would love to do that and see more of this world. But I also have roots in a country where I have obligations to meet and people to face. I’m not sure if I can ever move out of my parents’ home before I turn 35 because I am not confident that I would ever be able to qualify for public housing before that. Not that I desperately want to, because free rent is nice. Mortgages are scary as well.

If there is anything I would want to be like, I want to be like a weed. I want to grow in the harshest of environments, and slip through the cracks like a pesky little shit that just won’t go away. I want to be resilient in the face of uncertainty, and I want to insist on thriving, despite how much the world wants me to wilt away.

On a moreĀ trivial note, I have decided that a girl’s best friend is a cute sundress. Also, re-learning chemistry in order to run my sessions is hard. Someone send help because I have forgotten almost everything I’ve learnt in year 1. I also realised whilst grocery shopping today that I am secretly quite keen on becoming a housewife. Why be a vet when you can stay at home, shop, clean, cook and do laundry all day?

4. Onwards

I’ve been making it a point to read more this year. Hopefully, given that I muster up some blatantly lacking discipline and determination, I would be able to cover 52 books. I’m currently sitting at a measly 7, which doesn’t really encourage me but it will have to do. Of all the ridiculous things that I can cry over – sad love stories and the like, I still find myself crying over animals dying in the books. It is ridiculous, and I am so embarrassed because I think that the first time I did cry reading a book was when a foal in the book died as well. I’ve been trying to train myself to be less of a crybaby but damn, it really hits me hard.

I don’t struggle with the fact that I would spend a significant amount of time putting animals down in the future though. As long as I don’t feel attached or invested in someone else’s story. That will be fine.

February has been good thus far. Some friends and I went mini golfing and had brunch at this beautiful restaurant in the hills. It’s so beautiful – I want to bring my family here if they’re ever in Perth again.

Other than lazing at home I’ve been spontaneously hanging out with friends when they pop by to visit and it has been great. I love having the flat to myself, and spring cleaning is rather therapeutic. I’m refurbishing my room and buying myself new furniture, which hopefully goes well. I also went through all the crap that is the kitchen cupboards and cleared out all the things that have just been left to rot. Do I get good karma if I donate and give to the needy? I really hope so.

I’m very excited for my trip to Hong Kong over the easter study break. I’ll finally be out of the country for a bit andĀ in luxury for just a little while. It’s my first time flying SIA for the longest time, and I am literally so excited to have congee, xlb and heaps of dim sum. I also get a couple of days at home with the dog. Life is so good, and I can’t be more grateful for everything that has happened. This life is more than good enough. Also, a reminder to myself that I am good enough.

3. Virgin tries

I woke up at 4am and saw a cockroach running around my room so I staked it out for 5 minutes before smashing it with my drug classification book. First time killing a big one and I feel accomplished as hell – this is coming from someone who would call for her brother to kill the little ones back at home. Goes to show when you’ve got no one to depend on you suddenly become brave.

This led to OCD cleaning of every corner of my room and now I’m going to spray every gap to make sure every insect dies before it enters my room.

I spent Australia day trying to snorkel but really just getting thrown about by the waves. The reef cut my knees and shins and I feel quite afraid of the open sea in all honesty. We had a picnic in a little cove before heading back to weed. Which resulted in a ridiculous afternoon falling on our asses (because wrestling weeds and using one’s body weight to pull them out is a thing) and laughing about how we got ripped off doing this all for $10 chicken nuggets.

What a day of firsts – first time snorkeling and weeding.

On a sad note, it’s coming to the end of January. In my eyes this month has completely flown by; I am completely not ready for year 3 and for uni to restart. Thankfully enough I have fewer shifts this month so I will have more time to read and prepare myself and not be an idiot when school restarts.

My eyes are watering for no reason and my head is so sunburnt it hurts to shower in warm water. Perhaps spending winter break back home won’t be a bad idea at all. We shall see.

I spent some time with old friends visiting old haunts and hangouts. I also saw the sunset around 8pm which is rare these days. I love how alien it looks, and I don’t think I will ever tire of watching the last bits of light disappear. It reminds me that every bad day has its end, and I will find a home. Eventually.