Isolated thoughts

Month: February, 2014

Violet hues and the sun

Another week is almost over.

It’s been pretty good. I’m starting to pick myself up more, and I’ve been enjoying life. Fondue, balloons and cake and happy times reminiscing or just cracking sarcastic silly bimbotic jokes.

I’m so fortunate to have everyone around me. To have team mates for 6 years, for old friends and new friends. No matter how horrible it is there’ll always be people around. It’s just all the reminiscing about the past this week that’s getting to my head. It’s so corny but I guess I am thankful for being in school just because. No matter how much I dislike certain details about it.

I need to learn how to be productive like snap productive and do shit well once and for all so that I get more sleep. This struggle everyday is…damn hard.

My creative side comes out more the more mundane/oppressing life is. Surprising.

I just want to get rid of half the junk in my life that I don’t use anymore. Like those shorts that a pervert leered at me in. They look amazing on but it’s just plain horrible to feel like you’re a piece of meat to be eaten. Is this how models feel like everyday? Knowing that people scrutinize and maybe even wrongly use their images? Of the thoughts that people have when they see their pictures?

I am exhausted. Toodles.

Stop

I AM SO SO SO CONFUSED AND ON EDGE AND I NEED TIME.

But life goes on.

Regular miracles

I am such a narcissistic useless brat (lol). 

I’ve literally spent my weekend lazing about the house. I procrastinated Friday away, spent Saturday having piano before slacking and learning about random things and Sunday was spent at church, riding and then being hungry and snacking away. The dog is adorable atm, its like fluffy and all cute and lovely. I’m also slowly but surely clearing my wardrobe which is awesome. I’ve got a huge need to get rid of more revealing/things that I just don’t wear anymore/that don’t fit me very well. Plus the extra money is good, I’m trying to save up for next time.

Maybe I’ve been too pampered for the first part of my life. I guess I’ve had a very good upbringing on the enrichment sense? Primary school life was the highlight of this. I had countless enrichment courses and activities every week. At the age of 10 I passed my swimming test gold. I also completed the swim programme at my school. I had all those silly brain training courses and art classes, not to mention horse riding lessons and piano lessons which I still continue up till today. On top of that list of activities I also had tuition for every subject then. Which is insane I can’t imagine how I lived to be honest. This excessive expense makes me realize how truly fortunate I am. I guess my parents wanted the best for me and gave me all the opportunities to really excel but I didn’t (obviously to the extent they wanted me to). So when I got my psle results I guess they were really disappointed. Maybe I’m just not as smart.

Sometimes I really doubt if my caliber is there. I don’t understand things in science especially in chemistry but when I really sit down and have a good teacher I do get it. Maybe it’s just that I’m a slow learner? Maybe I just need someone to form the links for me. But at times, for other subjects I find myself “getting it” much better. I might have chosen the wrong subject combination for myself. Maybe I’m inclined someplace else. But what the hell I’m in too deep to care I’m just going to struggle my way out of this crap till the big A’s.

I had a mini freak out and went online desperately researching on a university education. No matter where I study it’s not going to be really affordable. Which just frustrates me. Scholarships are pretty much out of the question for me because I don’t even take 4H2s.

Society is maddening.

So is technology. Sometimes I just want to sell my phone off and get one of those olden day keypad phones because the ease of access to the internet is horrible and is screwing me over. Or maybe just keep this phone till it’s outdated and gross and cancel my data plan. That seems like a promising idea.

I’m trying to memorize organic chemistry now when there’s a test tomorrow I’m such an idiot. šŸ˜¦ goodbye world this is my death.

Is that what devils do?

Sometimes my brain tells me that everything is my fault. I am inclined to agree with it. It’s better than constantly finding escape routes and living in idiocy and ignorance.

I had my braces tightened and I’m just so bloody annoyed with it the pressure is unbearable and I just want to scream and get it off asap. I can’t even eat noodles or eat something soft without cringing and I’m just starving now.

Being me

Insolent, rebellious, tempremental, insecure, shy, anti-social, lazy, stupid. That’s all me.

Today was pretty damn amazing. I can’t believe that I’m leaving school in a few months. That the claws of education will release me into the scary world. It’s like coming out of a cave/being released. Everything is bittersweet. Laughing about stupid things, complaining about work and the system, trolling teachers and succeeding. It’s all so temporary.

I had the biggest marking discrepency of my life today, which was awesome. We were receiving our general paper comprehensions and I was quite confident that I would pass considering my previous grades scraping through last year. And to my utter horror I failed initially. Then I flipped through the paper and realized that it was impossible because my marks didn’t add up and found out that 7 marks weren’t recorded. BEST DAY EVER. So I literally jumped up 3 grades. And it’s my personal highest score so far. Yey.

I want to do better.

I think I’ve found hell

I have nothing in this place (the world) for me.

Recently, I’ve been listening to The Neighbourhood. It’s amazing. Everything resonates within me. The joy and the power of music, is that it keeps us all sane.

I keep wondering. What am I studying for? What do I want to do with my life? And the only answer that appears in this visually inclined brain of mine is that of a small apartment, and a cute little cat. Living life alone and secluded doing everything that I like – free of inhibitions and power. I have no flipping idea what I want to do with my life. The only thing that I know and am certain of is that I want to stop my education asap. I don’t like formal education. I like learning but I just don’t like the way I’ve been taught. Such an ungrateful brat, I know.

Arts would be the death of my parents. Science would be the death of me. Help me I’m out of options what is one to do in a world so full of options and endless possibilities. I have no idea what I want to do/I want to try everything.

The idea of a gap year is so enticing but I personally don’t like it. I’m already one year behind others, another would be too much.

Everything is relative though, so I can’t say too much. What is one year in exchange for a lifetime of happiness? Happiness seems so hard to obtain in this world.

Enough with the self doubt and questioning about life, I’m hardly 18 yet. Onto the update about life thing because it’s much better than incessant ranting.

I’ve spend Valentine’s day alone again this year (what’s new/boohoo my last teenage Valentine is gone) and the loneliness gets to me sometimes. But the little gifts received from friends just warms my heart it’s nice to get little reminders of people who care enough to get you something. I guess that’s what everyone craves, for love and affection because it makes even the cold hearted and defensive feel happy for a tiny moment. Now just let me cry over how many calories these goodies contain. They’re so good though. I offered cocktail jelly beans. Judge me. It’s a coping mechanism.

I spend Saturday doing stuff like playing the piano and riding and celebrating the brother’s birthday. I keep becoming really hungry really often these days. Must be the physical exertions. I even feel my body firming and shaping up and muscles coming back. Woo hoo! We even stumbled upon an awesome sale at the mall. Perfumes were super cheap so we went kinda mad buying those due to the brother’s obsession with smelling good (I have decided to just leech off his collection) and he’s gonna pass me the Gaga one he has so hooray! Black coloured perfume is awesome.

I even got my very first pair of heels. I’m so proud of myself lol. Trying to change up and diversify my clothing choices and branch out more. The wedges look so cool I can’t but the 3.75 inch heel is killing me. Not to mention the platform. I realized that I’m a size 36-36.5 but I’ve always just bought size 37 I don’t even know why. The wedges are gorgeous though, and they were on sale wtf from $109 down to $40. I’m trying to practice walking in them and wear them out maybe. Lord help me.

I guess that’s all I did over the weekend. Boring life right, I know.

A Soul’s companion

I’m forgetting my studies and drowning in self pity and sorrow. I’m not going to be surprised if I end up failing this test again putting in so little effort and taking everything for granted.

My parents have worked so hard to get the best for me and my siblings and i can’t even juggle my time properly and succeed. What sort of kid am I? I have so much going for me – a good stable home, a relatively well off family. Am I going to keep leeching off it? Am I going to keep being a burden and not ever repay this?

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I don’t want to face the world in tears

Its the end of another school week. I’ve lost that constant motivation to do things such as reading newspapers and I’m lapsing back into laziness again. I just can’t be bothered doing work untilĀ there seems to be a huge pile in front of me. I’m a hopeless procrastinator.

I’ve not forrgotten to blog yesterday, by the way. I was just busy and really bustling about so I suppose that that gives me an excuse. I’ve been so physically drained and tired recently, been really trying to push myself and improve myself. The back is getting better, I’m getting fitter, but on some other aspects I’m still lacking. I feel more satisfied with myself and with my body everytime I work out. I love the feeling of a burn in my legs especially, in the thighs, because that tells me that I’ve done a good workout. It must be the endorphins produced that makes me say this because in all honestly I’m a lazy ass bitch who hates doing anything strenuous.

Yesterday, I rushed after school impromptuly deciding to go to the airport to say goodbye to a classmate. It felt good to be spending time with the class and I’m glad that I did make the effort to send her off. Its never easy saying goodbye, and no matter how much I may whine and gripe about living here and everything, the thought of setting out as such and leaving everything is just so terrifying.

I’ve been havingĀ a whole sleugh of conflicting emotions. I am a teenager after all. I’m struggling to make sense of it and how to deal with these emotions discreetly. I honestly scoff at the thought of relationships because of this cynical jaded view that I am not worthy of love or affection. That I’m a horrible human being and I’m just so ugly in and out that its just wholly impossible for anything good to ever happen to me. Only good people, with good intentions and good hearts deserve love. Only they should have such happiness and privilege. Having a horrible tainted soul marred with billions of other vices – I should confine myself.

I am not being coherent.

Yesterday, a pervert was leering at me arse. I was pissed. Why didn’t I give a glare/point the finger/make a stand? Why do I take such perversion and harrassment without making a stand for myself? All it does is to traumatize and unsettle me, to warn me that the world that I live in is far from safe. It also shows what a slut I am. Wearing such shorts that attract such attention. Such immodesty. Tempting those who I want to avoid. I’ve brought it upon myself and its just so disgusting. Nothing happened, but I feel so shaken inside. And to pretend that I’m fine and all I just laugh it off. I think that its time for a change in the way that I dress and behave myself.

I drunk too much caffienated drinks yesterday, and as such I couldn’t sleep. I actually managed till I woke feeling totes itchy and annoyed to hell. So I watched some episodes of Jane Eyre and surfed the net. I think that my bed has bed bugs. I’m so annoyed. Why can’t I just have something normal and not screwed up for once. I spent 2am-5am awake and restless. I can’t even help it.

I can’t express myself, not in the right form, not properly, and not anywhere because vulnerability is everywhere. It reminds me of an amusing thought I had this week: I said that I was allergic to responsibility jokingly, and someone told me that I probably used bitchiness to combat it. I do. I use bitchiness, being plain unpleasant and mean to cover everything. Maybe this is why I am ugly.

Is there anybody out there?

Jane Eyre is my role model.