Just plain old stupid me

by Jolyn Low

Sometimes when I really try to do my work and put in effort but end up not getting results that I want , or even the correct answer I just get so discouraged. Am I doomed to never overcome this measley state of education? Am I that mentally incompetent and dumb? Am I going to fail my exams and end up leeching off my parents for survival?

I honestly don’t know if I’m the only one who is having such a hard time keeping up and excelling. Maybe I just lack the caliber needed for this education system. The longer I’m in this system the more glaring this appears to me. Maybe my mind has been inactive for too long, and any ability to cope and utilize everything that I’ve learnt having been long gone. This is so scary. What if just by nature, because of the way I was made, I can’t do this? But then I remember that my young stupid kid self has gotten me this far, and the first child syndrome rears its head and tells me that I have to do well. I don’t wish for a life handed to me on a silver platter though, sometimes I’m glad that I’m thrown with all sorts of bullshit and problems because at the very end I can look back and think of how I’ve survived.

On a side note, my back isn’t getting any better. It’s just strained and fragile I daren’t apply too much strain on it. Hope that it goes away on its own though, I’m such a sickly little thing.

I keep having nightmares. Of people that I’m afraid of and of strange happenings. At times, the scenerio is just hauntingly beautiful and wonderful yet dreadful but other times I’m just too tired that I can’t be arsed to remember, recollect and intepretate it anymore. I just wonder if my dreams are a reflection of my current situation. I think it is. I kind of want to know if these dreams are projecting my future though, I’m so curious but life’s better lived on a present basis.