I don’t want to face the world in tears

by Jolyn Low

Its the end of another school week. I’ve lost that constant motivation to do things such as reading newspapers and I’m lapsing back into laziness again. I just can’t be bothered doing work until there seems to be a huge pile in front of me. I’m a hopeless procrastinator.

I’ve not forrgotten to blog yesterday, by the way. I was just busy and really bustling about so I suppose that that gives me an excuse. I’ve been so physically drained and tired recently, been really trying to push myself and improve myself. The back is getting better, I’m getting fitter, but on some other aspects I’m still lacking. I feel more satisfied with myself and with my body everytime I work out. I love the feeling of a burn in my legs especially, in the thighs, because that tells me that I’ve done a good workout. It must be the endorphins produced that makes me say this because in all honestly I’m a lazy ass bitch who hates doing anything strenuous.

Yesterday, I rushed after school impromptuly deciding to go to the airport to say goodbye to a classmate. It felt good to be spending time with the class and I’m glad that I did make the effort to send her off. Its never easy saying goodbye, and no matter how much I may whine and gripe about living here and everything, the thought of setting out as such and leaving everything is just so terrifying.

I’ve been having a whole sleugh of conflicting emotions. I am a teenager after all. I’m struggling to make sense of it and how to deal with these emotions discreetly. I honestly scoff at the thought of relationships because of this cynical jaded view that I am not worthy of love or affection. That I’m a horrible human being and I’m just so ugly in and out that its just wholly impossible for anything good to ever happen to me. Only good people, with good intentions and good hearts deserve love. Only they should have such happiness and privilege. Having a horrible tainted soul marred with billions of other vices – I should confine myself.

I am not being coherent.

Yesterday, a pervert was leering at me arse. I was pissed. Why didn’t I give a glare/point the finger/make a stand? Why do I take such perversion and harrassment without making a stand for myself? All it does is to traumatize and unsettle me, to warn me that the world that I live in is far from safe. It also shows what a slut I am. Wearing such shorts that attract such attention. Such immodesty. Tempting those who I want to avoid. I’ve brought it upon myself and its just so disgusting. Nothing happened, but I feel so shaken inside. And to pretend that I’m fine and all I just laugh it off. I think that its time for a change in the way that I dress and behave myself.

I drunk too much caffienated drinks yesterday, and as such I couldn’t sleep. I actually managed till I woke feeling totes itchy and annoyed to hell. So I watched some episodes of Jane Eyre and surfed the net. I think that my bed has bed bugs. I’m so annoyed. Why can’t I just have something normal and not screwed up for once. I spent 2am-5am awake and restless. I can’t even help it.

I can’t express myself, not in the right form, not properly, and not anywhere because vulnerability is everywhere. It reminds me of an amusing thought I had this week: I said that I was allergic to responsibility jokingly, and someone told me that I probably used bitchiness to combat it. I do. I use bitchiness, being plain unpleasant and mean to cover everything. Maybe this is why I am ugly.