I think I’ve found hell

by Jolyn Low

I have nothing in this place (the world) for me.

Recently, I’ve been listening to The Neighbourhood. It’s amazing. Everything resonates within me. The joy and the power of music, is that it keeps us all sane.

I keep wondering. What am I studying for? What do I want to do with my life? And the only answer that appears in this visually inclined brain of mine is that of a small apartment, and a cute little cat. Living life alone and secluded doing everything that I like – free of inhibitions and power. I have no flipping idea what I want to do with my life. The only thing that I know and am certain of is that I want to stop my education asap. I don’t like formal education. I like learning but I just don’t like the way I’ve been taught. Such an ungrateful brat, I know.

Arts would be the death of my parents. Science would be the death of me. Help me I’m out of options what is one to do in a world so full of options and endless possibilities. I have no idea what I want to do/I want to try everything.

The idea of a gap year is so enticing but I personally don’t like it. I’m already one year behind others, another would be too much.

Everything is relative though, so I can’t say too much. What is one year in exchange for a lifetime of happiness? Happiness seems so hard to obtain in this world.

Enough with the self doubt and questioning about life, I’m hardly 18 yet. Onto the update about life thing because it’s much better than incessant ranting.

I’ve spend Valentine’s day alone again this year (what’s new/boohoo my last teenage Valentine is gone) and the loneliness gets to me sometimes. But the little gifts received from friends just warms my heart it’s nice to get little reminders of people who care enough to get you something. I guess that’s what everyone craves, for love and affection because it makes even the cold hearted and defensive feel happy for a tiny moment. Now just let me cry over how many calories these goodies contain. They’re so good though. I offered cocktail jelly beans. Judge me. It’s a coping mechanism.

I spend Saturday doing stuff like playing the piano and riding and celebrating the brother’s birthday. I keep becoming really hungry really often these days. Must be the physical exertions. I even feel my body firming and shaping up and muscles coming back. Woo hoo! We even stumbled upon an awesome sale at the mall. Perfumes were super cheap so we went kinda mad buying those due to the brother’s obsession with smelling good (I have decided to just leech off his collection) and he’s gonna pass me the Gaga one he has so hooray! Black coloured perfume is awesome.

I even got my very first pair of heels. I’m so proud of myself lol. Trying to change up and diversify my clothing choices and branch out more. The wedges look so cool I can’t but the 3.75 inch heel is killing me. Not to mention the platform. I realized that I’m a size 36-36.5 but I’ve always just bought size 37 I don’t even know why. The wedges are gorgeous though, and they were on sale wtf from $109 down to $40. I’m trying to practice walking in them and wear them out maybe. Lord help me.

I guess that’s all I did over the weekend. Boring life right, I know.