Isolated thoughts

Month: March, 2014

Just bury me alive

It’s been a bloody horrible week and I feel murderously mad. I just hate how people can just put you down and make you feel so damn bad for no reason. It’s not beneficial, it’s depressing and sometimes it’s inevitable. I just want this to be over faster so that I can get over this shite in life faster and focus on what really matters. I’m glad that I’ve found solace in these hard times though. I’m still alive so -‘-

I want to get out of this society for a while so bad. It’s such an impossible dream, to get a few years off, the best years off to find myself and really push my limits away from home. The USA/Prague – I’m going to keep dreaming and trying because everybody deserves a chance. Just because I’m not a top scholar/recognized to be good it doesn’t forfeit my chance to try. It’s better to try your best and fail than not try at all, no? If I don’t do so I’ll never make it out of this place or have such an experience in my life ever again. It’s my sole motivation for the remainder of the year.

The thing about life now is that I don’t think that I should say no to anything. Everyday is sacred. It’s probably the first or last time you’re ever going to do something, and it’s forcing me to treasure everything that much more. I’m so glad that I decided to go out yesterday even though it killed me financially and physically. I’ll miss this life of seeing friends so easily as we progress in life. Who knows where we”ll be in a few years? Definitely not in the place that we are now.

Been trying to work out more and eat more healthily. I’m in love with the ABC juice from school, it’s an amazing blend and really nutritious I think. Also tried to limit my crazy potato and carbohydrate obsession by opting for more vegetables. I want a healthy body/to be more fit.

I can’t imagine what it’s like from an outsider’s perspective. How do I come off as? The years have really changed me. I’m still superficial and idealistic, bitchy and bratty and stupid but I’ve definitely grown. More mature, not as dumb to a certain extent. But I guess I can never stop being me, and I just hope that one day I’ll be someone that I am proud of and that people can be proud of. I do love myself and I am proud of myself but I do need more time to grow and learn more. If I die tomorrow, I die knowing that I did what I believed in and that I tried. So hard to conform and please people, which obviously didn’t work out in the end, but I’m going to live how I like from now.

Screw others. Really.

I’ll take a million hard hits but I’ll always come back.

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Well, a realization

Hidden.

Something good can work

Ugh I’m so physically exhausted – my body is so damn tired but my muscles aren’t hurting. Everything is coming up and I feel so unprepared for everything. How am I going to juggle comps/tests/other stuff this term. I really hope that I make it through.

Weakness is in my bones. I tire so quickly nowadays it’s a bloody joke. I can’t even run fast how the hell am I going to improve my timing I don’t want to break my “tradition” of attaining a personal best for my running. Everything is declining I can’t even accept the monstrosity that is my body. It’s so pathetic and unforgiving. And I’m really trying hard. When I was running 4km+ I felt like I was going to give up halfway. What a pathetic mess.

I’ve been really enjoying Clean Bandit though I absolutely love their concepts and their amazing videos. Urfh.

I love juice. This is so ridiculous but it just tastes so damn good I could see myself drinking a glass every morning after a workout forever. Especially carrot and apple juices they are amazing!

I’m catching up on work. Ah, little baby steps.

Been thinking about checking into the hostel for a month (June holidays maybe) and just studying hard. Maybe it’ll have good results. I hope that it really helps if I do.

Someone save me from my misery/just 8 more months till I’m out (literally!).

All of me

/sigh/

To be a selfish little brat and disregard monetary circumstances for the sake of what makes me happy and for what i want to explore? Or to take the normal and easily paved road that is much safer.

Probably my last game played with international opponents. This is so crazy but reality is slowly creeping into everything that I do. All the lasts are occuring. Last time playing at the Padang, last March school holidays ever. But there is little time left.

My mind is constantly bothered and bogged down. I’m so so so weak and human succumbing to little pressures. I feel like I need to scream and jump off a cliff (not literally) and redo everything. I want to redo my life. But it’s obviously not happening. I want my life from A’s to be filled with whatever I want to do. My interests and without restrictions. I don’t know what I want to do but I have my moralistic opinions guiding me in my actions. It’s so selfish but I shouldn’t study something I don’t want to. Maybe a gap year. Maybe. Liberal arts. Maybe it’s the way to go.

I need warmth and hugs and good cups of milk tea and a warm blanket to hide me from monsters and the horrors that my brain conjours. Physically I feel so shitty just plain unhealthy and fattened.

Best things I’ve done in my life

  1. Cut my past-the-boobs-long-hair short into a pixie.
  2. Decided that I won’t take shit from anyone and that I will rise above/live by what I want and what I think is right.
  3. To work during the end of year holidays last year to earn some extra cash and for the amazing experience (not necessarily good).
  4. Learn how to horse back ride.
  5. Take literature as a H2 subject for my A levels.

Just because.

 

Throw that silver platter away

I’ve had such a spiritually fulfilling day lazing about the Parang today. Its probably my last time hanging about that field and playing on that field today. Wow. It’s pretty precious when you think about it.

Deep talks. Everything revolves around my future now. I can’t even remember what I did before, the only thing that I can think about is the fact that my A levels are coming and I’m so damn afraid. It’s a selfish period of time – nobody has the time to care about anyone else. Life’s changing so drastically and that’s so scary too because life has been pretty stable and my normal is defined by my school. What would I do when I’m finally free of the chains of the school – would I be able to break out of this secondary school complex that we were brought up with? Can I cope with having no structure in my life? Would I actually do something with all my time? Would I be able to maintain relationships? These questions flood my mind. The problem of such transitions is that there is a gaping hole left, and it’s all up to you to bridge and fill it.

I crave independence yet I’m afraid of leaving my parent’s apron strings. Life has been too good to me. Such amazing circumstances to be brought up in, such good assistance. Money is no problem (supposedly). I probably have enough saved up for me to comfortably pay for the following 3 to 5 years of my education. I have everything and I’m just so undeserving of this all. At the very least, I must know what I want. I want to explore the world and learn. I want the ultimate experience. The fact that I have a smooth track in life just makes me so disgusted with myself. Not that I’m not thankful for any help that I can get, it’s just that I never had to really worry about such bread and butter issues. God has been good to my family.

I watched Captain Phillips yesterday and I absolutely loved it. The way it was filmed, the storyline, the steady rise and ebb of emotions and thrills. The various struggles within the movie. It also caused me to have a sudden urge to join the army (lol).

I’m just not daring enough to sacrifice my life. I’m selfish and utterly self centered like anyone else. Ugh. Am so tired that I’m crashing now.

Homework, dear homework please wait for me.

Smarting words

Completed Great Expectations and I’m so proud of myself (lol) now just Jane Eyre and All My Sons left. And to repeat and re-read with more understanding. I love literature it’s the subject that I like the most alongside GP.

I found Great Expectations so finely crafted, every little detail, every little revealation significant and building up in the amazing plot (comparative to other novels that aren’t as mysterious and thrilling). I honestly couldn’t get enough of certain parts of the novel, so romantic, so exciting. Probably the most detailed and complex novel that I’ve read of the five so far. Such a good piece of work. Reading the alternative ending and Dicken’s planning was really eye opening too.

I have to say, Mrs Warren’s Profession was probably the most enjoyable for me. It’s the rebellion and explicit and slutty side of society that draws me in. “Lord help the world if everyone took to doing the right thing!” It was also really short and succinct which made it even better due to its faster pace and less detail.

The remaining novels tested aren’t that exciting to me personally as I prefer more plot twists. Jane Eyre is getting to me though, she’s like an ultimate role model. Even though she’s just a characterization I really look up to what she was in the book. I hope to be as honest and morally upright (seemingly impossible, really).

I still have loads of shite to complete these holidays. I’m panicking but complacent still. Help. At the very least I’ve managed to get my lazy arse off the bed and gone for a half an hour run even though only a good twenty plus  minutes was spent really running. It didn’t feel as satisfying and wearing as a good exhausting ride though – I really shouldn’t have been born in Singapore. Would’ve suited a more countryside living more in a land of meadows and bread and good natural food.

Does anyone else hate the rain as much as I do? It’s so inconvenient and dirty. Spoiling outdoor plans and making the outdoors so unattractive. I mean, if I were lying in bed cuddling in my blankets with a cup of hot coffee/tea and a captivating read I wouldn’t mind.

I still can’t decide which I like better though – coffee or tea. I took to tea first, but am slowly discovering the beauty of good coffee. Glorious flavours.

I need a dslr. And a laptop of my own. Oh just 10 more months before the end of this shite and shite learning before I can earn some money to buy them. I’m already controlling my spending I.e. not touching my bank account because my hard earned money is needed for what I want and need in the future.

Overseas/local? An experiment or a known and recognized system? Room to breathe or to attempt to juggle as much as I can and survive?

This husk around my heart

image

The view

Its a horrible struggle everyday. Be it something physical or mental, I’m always finding myself so spent and tired.

Doesn’t everyone struggle to be accepted by society? I’m always rather conscious about what others are thinking. Not sure if it’s instinctual to conform and accept what is considered “good” in society. But to think of it, not everything that others perceive and accept is in line with one’s own philosophy. Part of what I’m afraid of for my future is that it doesn’t exist. I don’t exist in other’s realities. That I am literally a living ghost.

I’m currently obsessed with heels. The height of the heel itself doesn’t faze me to be honest. Tried on some lita knock offs and chunky boots (think Jenn Im from clothesencounters on YouTube) and they look so awesome. It’s also terribly refreshing looking at the world on a higher plateau. I can’t imagine how tiny I look to tall people. But everything is relative isn’t it, to surroundings and other people. I honestly wonder how I look like to others because you can never see yourself (truly). Maybe you can see yourself on video, but even then you can never know how others see you. Part of me wants to know, but it’s pretty scary too.

Too much thought catalog is getting to me aha. On the other hand, I’m really considering purchasing a pair of authentic litas. Maybe when I have more money/actually start working to earn my keep after A’s.

There is so much to see and experience. Introverted as I am I really genuinely hope to be able to get along with people – mostly strangers, better. Isn’t that such an essential life skill to have? Admittedly, I might not be the most easy going person and might come across a tad too intimidating and cold but I try. All the world needs is a little more understanding and kindness.
It’s such a scary leap of faith. To aim for something so abstract and uncentred. With no safety net to break my fall this time around.

Laziness runs in my veins

Bad habits and a bad habitat.

A million things that I want

I’ve been so mia and haven’t been feeling like posting everything but it’s become a habit to blog every few days. I suppose that’s it’s a good new habit? I do like expressing myself and writing seems to be the easiest means of doing so other than blabbering.

“It’s a new art form showing people how little we care.”

So this is what my weekend amounted to:

I was up pretty early to check out the nus open house and I’m pretty set on my options for the future. It’s pretty much 3 different fields of study I’m looking at – design, communications/literature or healthcare (I guess). It’s quite a varied field but I’m really not sure. Certain courses seem much more rigorous than others and I’m not sure how much I’m willing to sacrifice because I obviously want to pursue other interests whilst studying. Utown is so gorgeous though.

Had a couple of games over the two days and I’m sunburnt oh man. It was pretty taxing and tough though, luckily I have the next few days to recover. Gotta train damn hard now.

I got myself some pretty notebooks from typo too. Think that I’ll go thrifting tomorrow for the heck of it if I do enough work later today.

I was so tired after I got home today I totally crashed and slept and missed out on visiting the grandparents. Was pretty afraid of coming down with a fever as I was in the rain before and just slept without a shower under a fan. But I seem alright now.

I’m so grateful for semi/extremely supportive parents. They don’t seem to mind whatever I take in university now and are really great. I’m not doing that well now but I’m going to change that. Just you wait.