by Jolyn Low
Just little pockets of sunshine and daisies that lead to the sad laughter everyday.
Auditions tomorrow after a practise today. I hope all goes well/it’s my first time performing anything in front of anyone. So anxious. Yet such a crazy day with two exams. I haven’t even studied yet.
I just make too many excuses acting like I’ve got a whole lot on my plate. A whole lot of baggage and emotions I suppose. I suppress it all so much now that when something small happens, when I meet a tiny bit of adversity I’m so sheltered and affected that I burst into tears but I do it secretly of course. I hate how it’s so ingrained in me, this emotional and overly sensitive side of me. I can’t even help it. I don’t want to feel this way at all and I try to stop those negative thoughts but I can’t and it just gets worse and worse until the emotional monster rears its head and takes the reins. Maybe I’m just pmsing though – hormones.
I’m so unprepared and afraid of the world.
I hate being misunderstood. I can’t help if my mind is slower or processes things differently from others. I have no idea how I’ve survived in such a deplorable system for so long. Is it wrong to do things your way? I think not so lmshdhsb you.
Or maybe I’m so lazy and bratty that I want everything my way – the easy way.
Hate this feeling of inadequacy. I guess when you do something you dislike or have no passion for you drown in regrets and struggle through. But that is my only way out isn’t it? For a hopefully brighter future. I’m stuck behind all these barriers anyway.