This husk around my heart

by Jolyn Low


The view

Its a horrible struggle everyday. Be it something physical or mental, I’m always finding myself so spent and tired.

Doesn’t everyone struggle to be accepted by society? I’m always rather conscious about what others are thinking. Not sure if it’s instinctual to conform and accept what is considered “good” in society. But to think of it, not everything that others perceive and accept is in line with one’s own philosophy. Part of what I’m afraid of for my future is that it doesn’t exist. I don’t exist in other’s realities. That I am literally a living ghost.

I’m currently obsessed with heels. The height of the heel itself doesn’t faze me to be honest. Tried on some lita knock offs and chunky boots (think Jenn Im from clothesencounters on YouTube) and they look so awesome. It’s also terribly refreshing looking at the world on a higher plateau. I can’t imagine how tiny I look to tall people. But everything is relative isn’t it, to surroundings and other people. I honestly wonder how I look like to others because you can never see yourself (truly). Maybe you can see yourself on video, but even then you can never know how others see you. Part of me wants to know, but it’s pretty scary too.

Too much thought catalog is getting to me aha. On the other hand, I’m really considering purchasing a pair of authentic litas. Maybe when I have more money/actually start working to earn my keep after A’s.

There is so much to see and experience. Introverted as I am I really genuinely hope to be able to get along with people – mostly strangers, better. Isn’t that such an essential life skill to have? Admittedly, I might not be the most easy going person and might come across a tad too intimidating and cold but I try. All the world needs is a little more understanding and kindness.
It’s such a scary leap of faith. To aim for something so abstract and uncentred. With no safety net to break my fall this time around.