Throw that silver platter away

by Jolyn Low

I’ve had such a spiritually fulfilling day lazing about the Parang today. Its probably my last time hanging about that field and playing on that field today. Wow. It’s pretty precious when you think about it.

Deep talks. Everything revolves around my future now. I can’t even remember what I did before, the only thing that I can think about is the fact that my A levels are coming and I’m so damn afraid. It’s a selfish period of time – nobody has the time to care about anyone else. Life’s changing so drastically and that’s so scary too because life has been pretty stable and my normal is defined by my school. What would I do when I’m finally free of the chains of the school – would I be able to break out of this secondary school complex that we were brought up with? Can I cope with having no structure in my life? Would I actually do something with all my time? Would I be able to maintain relationships? These questions flood my mind. The problem of such transitions is that there is a gaping hole left, and it’s all up to you to bridge and fill it.

I crave independence yet I’m afraid of leaving my parent’s apron strings. Life has been too good to me. Such amazing circumstances to be brought up in, such good assistance. Money is no problem (supposedly). I probably have enough saved up for me to comfortably pay for the following 3 to 5 years of my education. I have everything and I’m just so undeserving of this all. At the very least, I must know what I want. I want to explore the world and learn. I want the ultimate experience. The fact that I have a smooth track in life just makes me so disgusted with myself. Not that I’m not thankful for any help that I can get, it’s just that I never had to really worry about such bread and butter issues. God has been good to my family.

I watched Captain Phillips yesterday and I absolutely loved it. The way it was filmed, the storyline, the steady rise and ebb of emotions and thrills. The various struggles within the movie. It also caused me to have a sudden urge to join the army (lol).

I’m just not daring enough to sacrifice my life. I’m selfish and utterly self centered like anyone else. Ugh. Am so tired that I’m crashing now.

Homework, dear homework please wait for me.