Just bury me alive

by Jolyn Low

It’s been a bloody horrible week and I feel murderously mad. I just hate how people can just put you down and make you feel so damn bad for no reason. It’s not beneficial, it’s depressing and sometimes it’s inevitable. I just want this to be over faster so that I can get over this shite in life faster and focus on what really matters. I’m glad that I’ve found solace in these hard times though. I’m still alive so -‘-

I want to get out of this society for a while so bad. It’s such an impossible dream, to get a few years off, the best years off to find myself and really push my limits away from home. The USA/Prague – I’m going to keep dreaming and trying because everybody deserves a chance. Just because I’m not a top scholar/recognized to be good it doesn’t forfeit my chance to try. It’s better to try your best and fail than not try at all, no? If I don’t do so I’ll never make it out of this place or have such an experience in my life ever again. It’s my sole motivation for the remainder of the year.

The thing about life now is that I don’t think that I should say no to anything. Everyday is sacred. It’s probably the first or last time you’re ever going to do something, and it’s forcing me to treasure everything that much more. I’m so glad that I decided to go out yesterday even though it killed me financially and physically. I’ll miss this life of seeing friends so easily as we progress in life. Who knows where we”ll be in a few years? Definitely not in the place that we are now.

Been trying to work out more and eat more healthily. I’m in love with the ABC juice from school, it’s an amazing blend and really nutritious I think. Also tried to limit my crazy potato and carbohydrate obsession by opting for more vegetables. I want a healthy body/to be more fit.

I can’t imagine what it’s like from an outsider’s perspective. How do I come off as? The years have really changed me. I’m still superficial and idealistic, bitchy and bratty and stupid but I’ve definitely grown. More mature, not as dumb to a certain extent. But I guess I can never stop being me, and I just hope that one day I’ll be someone that I am proud of and that people can be proud of. I do love myself and I am proud of myself but I do need more time to grow and learn more. If I die tomorrow, I die knowing that I did what I believed in and that I tried. So hard to conform and please people, which obviously didn’t work out in the end, but I’m going to live how I like from now.

Screw others. Really.

I’ll take a million hard hits but I’ll always come back.