Isolated thoughts

Month: April, 2014

Lost sight of who you are

I’m currently drowning in my insecurities albeit secretly. This thought of being so disgusted hence in need of self improvement has been manifesting in my mind the past few days. It’s horrible and I’m kinda afraid of what this seed of thought will result in.

So I suppose, as the seasons end in a maximum of two and a half weeks time, I need to do something to improve my physical state of being. And these are a few of my goals.

1. I want to maintain my weight or maybe even lose one to two kilos.
2. I want to slim down my thighs (it’s my personal problem area that I absolutely cannot stand) or convert those muscles to slim ones(!!)
3. Okay, forget it I want an overall more toned body (arms, legs, abs and butt) ok tmi but yes fml what you don’t genetically get you have to work for it!!!!! Screw genetics I’m doing this my way.
4. Eat healthier because working out wouldn’t work without a lifestyle change. So attempting to eat better and whole foods instead of processed crap that I absolutely love. And try to eat less.
5. Go vegetarian for a day every week. This would be much more convenient if I wasn’t living at home though.

Yes okay that pretty much sums everything up. Toned, less tan (hopefully..) and healthier. And about wanting to be less tan: it just looks better ok like easier to wear clothes and all if you’re pasty white without damn tan lines all over the place.

And this all starts….someday.

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Don’t wanna see the numbers I wanna see heaven

Currently feeling really mad frustrated with the sucky technology I have at home. I swear I seriously need to resort to getting my own desktop/laptop one day because its just so damn frustrating to never get anything done properly with the shit wifi and damn things here. Can’t even print in b&w properly, thanks. Being an ungrateful bitch here but one would seriously get miffed at the state of technological affairs if it can’t even change a messed up theme.

Almost blew an artery today – it was scorching hot during training and I felt like a lizard baking under the damn hot sun. If I was running or doing something really intense I wouldn’t feel so horrible cause I kept drinking and pretty much just stood there doing nothing. On the bright side, had a fun ride today. The pony was amazeballs and good and I love riding it and it’s the perfect size for me. Wish I lived else where where I can ride anytime and anywhere – meadows and space to do whatever I like. Just wistful imagination and dreams but oh do I want it so. I especially want to try riding bareback given how I enjoy riding without stirrups. Why was I born in Singapore 😥 I’m gonna marry a farmer if that means that I’ll get to do so.

Kinda mad because I’ve lost my watercolour palette. How the heck am I supposed to complete my latest piece ugh and to practice. Monochrome gets dull.

Memories take me back to the wildest times

Just savouring everything because it’s pretty much the last time I’m ever doing anything this year before A’s. The last “sports day”, the last season, and the inevitable last official training. So many lasts, yet so many firsts and lasts. At the very least, gonna milk it for all its worth.

Hiking was just about how I expected it to be except that I kinda brought Honey along. Surprisingly well behaved and being the little attention whore she is. Nah kidding she was good. It was a pretty random idea but i did ask for permission to bring her along plus she behaved well so sue me. Ah, love bringing the dog to new places and she loves people so.

Doesn’t hurt that it was literally like walking home.

Had class lunch with about 2/3 of the class too. Yay for Korean food and Udders! Tried the some new flavours which tasted so much better than the sundae we had last time. More subtle and matching flavours – except for strawberry which was too extreme in contrast to the more bitter/cocoa/creamy flavours. But it was still good. 🙂

Oooh this reminds me, the guy at the mall’s pet centre was so nice he let us in when we weren’t supposed to and he gave H water in a seemingly new bowl wtf. H was completely thirsty so she splashed the water all over and messed up the floor but he was so nice about it (ugh I feel bad) and let us stay there to let her cool off. And thanks to everyone who carried her/took care of her/shaded her omg.

I keep dreaming but I can’t obtain the lucidity that I had/I can’t remember it because it’s not deep enough a sleep.

Tests tests ahhhh tests!!!!! Not just tests.

Trying to de-tan but its not working ugh applying sunblock religiously and trying to stay in the shade not working at all. There’s the sock tanline, the shin guard gradient, the long sock line, and then the sliding shorts one. Not to mention the horrendous neckline one, the arm one and the hair tanline. Either I get totally wickedly tan or lose it. Losing it seems easier.

Ah, the future.

Angels in the sky

I had another weird dream where I was in some room divided by thick curtains. Purple ones. And there were rooms where inside. I had some interview with a lady inside. And it went alright until she told me to seduce her (major lol) and I refused. I was somewhat cognizant through the dream but I have no real idea how much that was influencing my actions in it.

The weekend has been pretty alright again. But my life sucks now lol whenever I wanna spend my night doing something it goes somewhat like “we’re going out for dinner!” And by the time we return I just crash aha. Been obsessing over books too which hasn’t helped at all.

I was watching the Coachella vids omg looks so damn amazing but obviously better through my screen aha. Would’ve loved to experience it though. Maybe when I’m older and legal and with the right people. Gotta get more experience first and money.

I’m so hyped up aha.

Somebody to die for

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I woke up at 5.05am thinking that I was going to be late from school to a strangely exhilirating dream. Not that my dreams tend to be boring, but they tend to be made out of context and in fantasy worlds. This one was so real because it was in s’pore and was so vivid that I still remember up till now (7am).

So I was on my way home after some event and was taking a bus towards clementi (why omg) and I missed my stop due to my idiocy. But in my dream, the expressway ran the opposite direction (now that I realize) and hence I obviously didn’t recognize it because of that. So I desperately wanted to get off and the next stop was so far away as buses don’t usually stop on the expressway afterwards and there was a mrt there. Like an ulu little underpass in the middle of an otherwise ulu and boring bus stop.

So I went in and got desperate for a toilet so I ran around but only got to the garbage area. At that time I was so panicky because it was creepy as hell – garbage bins, creepy people from the north and orange lights like those in movies. Imagine that. So I ran to the mrt and my phone and wallet were in my back pocket and bag respectively. A suspicious character was behind me and kinda slurred something at me suggesting that he took my stuff and I was horrified. I could only think about how reluctant I was to part with the money in my credit card (LOL). Whilst the guy sort of held me hostage I was reasoning if I should let him get away with my money and live or risk dying fighting back.

On the mrt I realized how far from home I was and I was totally lost on one of the newer lines of the mrt. It was yellow and light green and no, it is not a current line. The names were strange too. No one seemed to want to help me and I ended up begging the theif to let me use my phone to make a call home. So I did and I realized that he deleted my contacts and I was pissed and kept typing the wrong number because I was afraid.

In the end I contacted my parents and told them to cancel my atm card (LOL wtf is dream me doing) and to pick me up from another station later. I met a couple of other guys who were really nice, in the dream no one else bothered to help I have no idea why. And then it ends with a rather drastic reveal, that the experience was planned for entertainment purposes/it wasn’t real. Shocker, huh? 

My dreams that are set in reality tend to come true at some point of time. I once dreamnt that I was riding a white pony in a field and I ended up riding one in Australia later that year. It’s frightening tbh. Even dreaming about my 2.4km before the actual thing. Please don’t come true. Prophesizing isn’t on the list of things that I wanna do. Maybe not to this extent.

I’m so so so drowning in work and I’m so tired oh man got so much to accomplish this long weekend. The work won’t ever stop, would it? 😥

Thankful. So very much.

Hot whisky eyes

Officially obtained two A’s thanks mum dad bro sis everybady lol I feel so accomplished because I’m so dumb in school right now I don’t even know how I did it. Really genuinely indifferent about my results now though. I’ve got bigger plans in store for myself/bigger dreams.

So this is what happened over the past few days: got my pw results, sucked big time on Tuesday and overcame another essay test which I honestly enjoy but still suck at. I enjoy the challenge of unexpected questions (not like I even predict or do anything tbh) and I like coming up with interesting examples with the bullshit I read online hehe. I substantiated my points and elaborated really badly today though, quite annoyed but exam conditions really do affect me. At least focus isn’t an issue. Just anxiety and blanking out.

Gosh, I just keep waiting for friday to come about but it’s always too fast. By the time I wake up it’ll be too late.

I’ve got so much crap to catch up on and to do. Someone save me.

I like coincidentally meeting people when I’m alone. I treasure and love being alone but sometimes company is nice. :’) especially unexpected and spontaneous happenings.

I’m considering taking a gap year before uni, but honestly I don’t really know. The uni talks today were so cool, and the prospect of a liberal arts education is so enticing. The fact that I could major in something that I’m really interested in, the arts is a bonus. It’s a package of all I ever want but if only I can get there. Film, sculpture and fine art omg that’s my motivation.

Even though it’s a selfish decision, isn’t university a time for you to find yourself and pursue your passions? I don’t want to end up doing something that I dislike. And although I do have a certain obligation I refuse to give up my dreams for that.

Let’s make this work out.

Know I’ve done wrong

Oh my gosh. PW results are coming out tomorrow and I just hope that I don’t end up in tears. I’ve been so emotionally taut the past few weeks it just takes a little to send me over that cliff. If I get a B I would accept it though, because I know that I didn’t put in that much hard work – I printed my work shittily and not in colour for my PI and I’m not confident in the group section. But if you compare and think about it you can’t possibly be that bad…right?

Plz have mercy on me and my dumb brain. Other than Chinese (which I already have an A for thank the heavens) and considering my current results I doubt that I’ll even be able to obtain another A in the damn A levels. I seriously need those 10 points just because. Hah. Not surprized and completely expect a B though tbh.

Gah I’m getting all nervous now lol if I get a B it’s the first time in my life getting a B in a national exam (considering how few I’ve taken) omg this is bad. Time to get a move on with life toodles.

Oh darling we’re swinging down

I’m so happy the braces are coming around fine, the gaps are all closed now and hopefully it’ll come off soon! I can’t wait to brush my teeth properly and reach all those areas hampered by the damn contraption already. Tmi, I know. Got through 3 xrays too omg I’m so afraid of taking xrays especially those regarding my teeth. The last time I did like over a year ago the bitch shoved the thing wrongly and it hurt so bad I cried. And she called me out for it wtf. But the woman this time was so nice other than the fact that the machine was scary and it was so uncomfortable not to mention how embarrassing my face was. Imagine squished up eyes and doing strange things, yep.

Been binging recently am just going to gain some fets alright. Ugh I hate the feeling of fats they make me feel disgusting especially when they squish together for the legs. 😦

I’m my own train wreck.

Potential

Gaga is fabulous. Absolutely adored the concept and visual feast of G.U.Y. – She never fails to amaze me and inspire me.

I’m currently so inspired by her and Neon Hitch’s song Pink Fields. It’s my latest muse. Isn’t that wonderful.

On the other hand, I’m so happy that I’m done with nafa omg last one in my life :’) and I’ve managed to outdo myself this year. Personal best for 2.4km (11:04), SBJ (196) and S&R (49). So happy because it wasn’t expected, especially so for my running as I didn’t undergo rigorous training and wasn’t at my peak. I had a slight phase late last year during the holidays before I starting travelling all over and getting ill when I could run and push myself. I wish I could obtain that level of fitness again. It was good.

Thank God for those who pushed me through the run though. Dreamnt of it the night before and it was horrendous in my sleep and even more so when I actually did it. My face was so ugly someone should’ve taken a picture. Really am satisfied that I pulled through though I wanted to give up so badly.

I’m so tired now. Goodnight.

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Isn’t it really really funny how you can feel so separate from everything, so excluded from everything else that binds others together. Like you don’t really belong anywhere or anyhow and realize how fragile and superficial everything is?

Privilege is such a heavy word. Does anyone deserve it? Who is someone to choose whom obtains this status? Who the hell are you to think that you’re superior? Just because you’ve won the lottery for a supposed thing that makes you superior? F!@# you. I hate it when things are taken for granted, when someone feels the need to allow themselves to get away with shit and actually do. But that’s how the world works, no? Theres no time to care about anything else other than yourself if you count yourself into the rat race to the top.

Lol I wish I could stop being so affected by the happenings around me. But it’s so damn hard. Natural selection in place aha, just the wrong things needed and just pure reluctance to fight back anymore.

BLOODY COCKROACH IN MY ROOM FUCK OFF FUCK I DONT NEED YOUR SHIT IN MY ROOM GO BOTHER SOME OTHER PERSON WHO HAS LESS SHIT IN THEIR LIVES THAN ME.