Isolated thoughts

Month: May, 2014

Panicky and unsure

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Such an amazing sunrise. These days, I always make it a point to look out of the window to catch the rising – it’s so beautiful.

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And this was today’s. So much character, so much promise, and hope. The best view may not be yours, but it’s still there to be shared all the same. Too much time is spent disconnected from the beauty of the world. The world is amazing. Although Singapore might be too colonized and urban, a tad too man-made, nature is everywhere. It’s out your window, in the sunlight that causes everything to glow, in the rain that calms you everyday. All so beautiful, yet so often forgotten in our constant rush and selfishness. Little flashes and glimpses are enough for now, for me.

Today, when I was making my way into the auditorium the cleaning aunties were so funny, jokingly telling me to ask about policies and to think about questions to ask. It was so funny and it made me really happy. Doesn’t everyone love it when someone reaches out and starts a conversation with you? This aspect of society is something that Singapore definitely lacks in sometimes. There is this sullen atmosphere most of the time, a lack of spontaneity and friendliness that we just lack. So many times I feel like talking to complete strangers for fun, just for the heck of it yet I can never get the courage to do so. Am I (are we) that unfriendly and reticent? So emotionally detached from the people around us? What type of humans are we? Is this just the hedgehog theory, or our own selfish and silly ways. I want to be open, friendly, someone who reaches out to others and brightens up their day too.

(Ugh keep pressing on the wrong button and exiting the post as I type)

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Getting all sentimental and emotional because I’m officially checking into the hostel this Sunday! I’m so excited yet afraid of whats to come. I’ve never lived alone and independently for an extended period of time, and am getting all homesick thinking about how much I’d miss my family. It’s something so integral in life, a family, and aren’t most of us so fortunate to have them constantly in life. This is the result of my packing. Still loads more to finish filing and sorting – gonna get my shit together before I move else I waste more time. Gonna miss my bed, aircon and Honey :-‘( sounding like a brat but I am and so are all you out there. Fortunate beings, aren’t we.

Met Sherryl on the way home today and so glad that we caught up. Its so hard to maintain relationships today, with so many to consider (not that I have that many but yeah might be applicable to anyone else). People drift and grow apart or grow closer. Time changes people and thus affects relationships. I admit that I’m not one who has many close friends nor am I particularly socially adept. Can’t help but feel wistful and feel like reconciling with some and to appreciate who I have now. I am happier keeping my relationships offline though. Using technology less in connecting with someone makes everything so much easier and uncomplicated. It’s face to face, blatant, and that much easier. Why be virtual and get to know someone virtually? An online presence against a real living being? That’s what I’ve done wrongly before but never again. (Realising how ironic and hypocritical this is because I’m typing this and posting it online lol so much for that philosophy.)

On the other hand, I always feel immature, silly and childish. My responses always lack the depth and maturity others have. A late bloomer? Or just pure laziness and refusal to use a perfectly good brain?

The life that I used to know, to dread at times, but undoubtedly the best life I had, is gone. To coping with living in a cocoon of notes and words! Cheers to that!

I’m turning 18 soon. I dread it, don’t feel anything for it, and am forgetting it. Cheers to being older! To two weeks later.

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We were cold and we were clear

I’m so excited oh my goodness b.a.p in approximately 6 days someone save me. Finally going to see them (live) after about 2 and a half years of following those boys. *_* though my level of craziness has reduced from watching literally every live performance throughout their first year to just watching selective ones, I still love them to bits. Considering how I’ve followed them since debut I can’t wait to see everything, from Warrior times till 1004. Wish they had more variety show appearances though, maybe even their own variety show. But then again I can’t imagine them doing typical variety show stuff.

I’m going to make a fan board for Jae and I better get some fan service (lol). But really, was just so close to winning the high 5 tickets 😦 the ass sitting next to me got it instead fml. #storyofmylife #badluckjolyn can jae like throw his shirt at me….haaaaa wishful thinking, I know.

Anyhoo Friday was horrendous I swear I have post examination traumatic syndrome or something I was so wound up because of gp – totally panicked and had irrelevant and stupid, not insightful arguments. And it was so damn cold wtf I had a jacket on already and I was shaking so bad/so numb that I couldn’t tie my papers together. Thank goodness I had a jacket but I’m going to bring a blanket next time?! My feet were so cold I could feel my toes freezing. Digits freezing = first signs of frostbite. And they were still numb 10 minutes after the 3 hours. Can’t imagine taking A’s in it and how bad it’ll be. The horror. Freezing, not able to think, nervous and panicky. Say goodbye to passing exams.

Is it normal to feel so sleepy and tired all the time? Or am I just so sleep deprived that I’m killing myself everyday rushing things out.

Might be checking into the hostel and hoping for the best. It’s kinda rushed though.

Higher than the truth

THERES A DAMN MOTH IN MY HOUSE SOMEONE SAVE ME I DON’T DARE TO LEAVE MY ROOM.

I need a cat to kill these things like cockroaches and lizards and moths omg. Honey is utterly useless she just runs about and lies around. Almost stomped on the moth (lets call it Mo – Mo the moth) when I was happily prancing about in my wedges. Worst moment ever I swear I just screamed and took Honey and ran back into my room. So much for my foray out of the room for food and a bath. I’m not doing shit till my dad comes home or something.

Honestly afraid of insects. And have a fear of elevators. Especially those old ones that close unexpectedly. And of MOTHS DAMN IT I HATE MOTHS I WATCHED THIS SHOW CALLED MOTH MAN OR SOMETHING LAST TIME AND IT WAS SCARRING.

I needed that dramatic moment. Hah. Bio spa and gp tomorrow, someone help me. And awaiting the hopefully good news. Fingers crossed.

When will I learn

I’m just a horrendous student.

On the bright side, I think I’ve just found my water colour palette oh me gosh I’m so happy. I’ve been so inspired but couldn’t find it to complete my piece. Time to get down to work.

Too colloquail to dare to express myself, especially within an essay. Seriously need to work on my writing and comprehension. Paper 2 is such a burden.

Please let me get into rssp. Whatever His decision, I’ll go through with it. Sincerely need the opportunity though.

You’ve got the love I need to see me through

Hubris – (in Greek tragedy) excessive pride towards or defiance of the gods, leading to nemesis.

Catharsis. It’s been a long 5+ years since I’ve started my journey and now that it’s come to the end of it (for now) I just feel so lost and normal, which is surprising. I don’t feel particularly special or happy or sad. Slightly bittersweet, melancholic but still the same old. I’m extremely glad that it ended on a high, on a climatic note. I suppose this lack of emotions is due to the fact that I know that after 6 years, this relationship is going to go beyond, and that our journey together will never truly come to an end because life cannot keep us apart. Being such an integral part of each other’s lives for such a long period of time is no easy feat, and having gone through such experiences and so many differing ones as we had, the many trials and tribulations – have only led to such a culmination. We’ve finally done it, guys. 🙂 ♡

Time to hit the books.

Life slips away and the girls come to play

It’s the thrill of stumbling home past midnight, rushing to catch the last bus before disembarking and starting the long trudge home. The night sky borders on cobalt hues, like how I would imagine the sky to be before sunrise. Is it really nighttime? Or early morning? The brisk walk home examining everything and wondering if anything supernatural would come about at such wee hours of the morning. No cars drive past, no living soul awake to save me should I be magically whizzed off the streets. And I pace the path towards home. Nature surrounds me. It threatens the sidewalk and it teems with life. It always does. Only at this time of the day it comes alive. The buzzing and chirping of unknown beings, unhindered by the touch and effect of humans at this time. Why exactly does time revolve as it does? It’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it. My arms hurt, my legs have gone past the point of aching and they feel light. The deep dark waters of the ponds look strangely alluring. I wonder what would happen if I accidentally keeled over and fell in. Drown, perhaps. Or feel so liberated by the cool water and become alive. As though it’s my life source. I walk the wooden bridge in – no cars rush past it now. It’s only me, stumbling and making my way the best I can – home. Home sweet home.

“No one is entirely a hero or a villain”

Shakespeare in the park was good this year. I suppose it had to do with the play itself – a lot more jovial, comedic and the context was so delightfully shifted which brought the play across so well. I would’ve preferred a reduced use of technology in the play though, i believe that mobile phones are the cheapest shit on earth though the irony is that I’m so dependent on mine that I’m even typing this on it. Ha. The only complaints I have is that of the audience – the hordes of school kids who don’t understand anything and destroy other’s experience by talking blatantly, reacting to the play in such a childish manner “awwwww”-ing at the kisses. Gtfo and please stop ruining the atmosphere and taking up valuable space. Okay, I understand why they behave in such a manner but I just feel so annoyed that they semi-ruined the atmosphere at times. Control the kids if you’re bringing them out seriously. And it was surprisingly crowded like the lawn was filled. Hated the crowd really was so squished up and uncomfortable. On the bright side there was a ton of cute people there hehe I love people watching and looking at pretty people *_* #storyofmylife

Devouring pizza like a hungry kid was cool too. So was the q&a which was pretty damn amazing and good because the annoying and uninterested kids who blatantly didn’t appreciate anything or have basic respect left and ugh we were so close to their perfection. I don’t mean to be a snob but they were lying down and listening to music on their cell phones in the middle of the play. Like okay its none of my business but akfhfidb.

I had an amazing sleep in and joy ride and dinner sharing a pork knuckle with the dad. Oh man let his birthday luck rub off me please. I hope that I’m able to give back as much to my parents as they’ve done for me…one day. Give me a couple more years, I’ll do you guys proud. Despite bitching constantly about how unfair the world is and being the epitome of bad luck and character. I’ll make it, I swear, just in my own way and time.

Finalssssssssss. It seems so surreal that it’s all coming to an end in two days. Gotta go all out/no regrets.

On the bright side my results are crap but I’m slowly improving yay me. GP, and bio on the rise. But math is going down because of my utter laziness and lack of time management. Let me pull chem up and try to improve lit for the pass. I refuse to be meeting the p and being singled out but if that gets me where I wanna go, I’m all for it.

No light, no light

My holiday went amazingly well just sorting the crap out in my room which was a utter mess. Usually I just leave it to become worse and worse until one day I decide that I can’t do shit with such a messy environment and sort everything out because I want to. The mess then builds up again. Aha. But at the moment, it’s clean as heck.

SPA tomorrow and I’m so afraid that I’ll screw something up be it breaking somethig, going over the end point (as usual) or even missing the decimal places and making careless mistakes. On the other hand I’m rather nostalgic because it’s going to be the last time we’re ever going to be in the lab. And I honestly enjoy lab sessions it’s pretty fun at times and all. I hope I score a good mark.

I applied for the residential study programme. Hope that I get in tbh because I think it’ll really help me if not I’m so screwed. Got an email from the hostel office telling me they had no rooms until August or something. Thanks. But guess what bitches y’all ain’t going to stop me with just one rejection. I mean, shouldn’t the school help their students more.

I’m such a glutton I’m so sad lol I ate so much today. No wonder I’m just gaining fats and considering how it’s always raining during pe I’m like never going to run. I literally ate 3 full meals, snacked several times in between and had breakfast too. Fml.

So many scholarships available but so many bright applicants and talented people. How oh gosh I don’t want to compromise my interest again but since when did I really know what I want to do in life?

But first, let me get them A’s.

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Fancy

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Survived a pretty damn tiring day. Had training at like 8am after going for the campfire which was madness because >6 hours of sleep which I really need. And it was so bloody hot out there, felt like it was 33-35 degrees and we were standing in the sun. Body felt like it was pushed to its damn limits that day. My hands were trembling from exhaustion (lol). Riding was really tough too because of the horse (it was being mean) and I had calf cramps and lost my balance so many times and almost fell. But it was so cute when I was showering it. I like sturdy horses with thicker coats of fur with some fats hehe.

Had dinner at d’good cafe and the food was pretty affordable! I liked it. Except for the stupid 3L mocha frappe. Caffeine has the worst effect on me especially at night. Aye, staying away from it from now on. Thankfully I managed to sleep almost immediately when I got home. Was afraid of what happened the last time I had caffeine at night – a really bad case of insomnia.

Boundaries I will try to knock down

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Today has been the most exhausting day ever. Okay, tomorrow might just come out tops.

My calf muscles ache like hell after skipping which really sucks because I usually never exert that area and my legs are on the verge of cramping ever since I’ve done that. Usually when I run I only feel it in my glutes when I sprint really hard or in my thighs on really bad days. My calves only cramped at night after extremely intense sessions – when I go to sleep and suddenly wake to excruciating pain in my calves. Feels like my muscles are contracting and changing positions which is damn scary and one time it felt so bad but I passed out because I was so tired.

Ugh tomorrow’s gonna be packed as hell there goes any time/plan to study. I desperately need to pack my room (lol) it’s a horrendous mess. Am I even female.

Oh yes and finally got a new card which is such a relief! Had fun window shopping too because there’s no point in buying anything now will do it after A’s. I’m definitely going to lose some muscle mass and gain some softness so that’s that. Definitely would want to even out my skin tone too.

The campfire was good. The impromptu softball one was better (lol) in terms of food. Gosh the bacon, sausages, garlic bread, and roast meat was amazing. Especially since it was served hot from the grill. Pleasantly surprised by the effort and it was fun fooling around.

6 hours of sleep c’mon let me be quick.

Falling ill and I can’t do anything to stop it.

On the bright side of life, I’m getting my shit together lol first time appearing on PowerPoint for good improvement yes my life is that pathetic and yes I’m that stupid. Pleasant surprise.