It may get harder

by Jolyn Low

Ugh been breaking out into cold sweats and woke up feeling like utter crap I can’t even handle this. My body is starting to fail me (not like it hasn’t already) and my nose is just embarking on its marathon.

Maybe I exerted myself too much yesterday or ate something bad but riding got cancelled because of the horrendous weather and the pony kept spooking lol so being a coward I stopped first. And the briefing was so useless – just walked out because I could. And the trip home was horrendous this is why I dislike Boon Lay/that bus service. Almost fell asleep on the bus once I changed too because I was just so worn out and I was worrying about missing my stop. The bus was empty and once my eyes closed it felt like I was in heaven. No pain, no worries, and nothing bad in life. Just pure serenity and peace and deep slumber which is what happens after a hard day.

And I slept from like 11pm till 8am thanks body clock/body, don’t you know how to take advantage of time to heal or something like grow more neurons. Ugh stupid body. And so I spent my morning completing a book on my new kindle – so thankful for it 🙂 got the Harry Potter series, 50 shades and Haruki Murakimi on it. Just need the time to start on it now. I know I’m a loser for not reading the Harry Potter series but I was never fascinated with fantasy and the works back then. I was merely concerned with horses, ponies and that kind of shit. I’ve probably read all the possible horse related stories in  the entire children’s section of the library. I also secretly didn’t want to conform or join them groupies and thought that the movies were crap because they didn’t have cute actors. Oh well I was a queer child. Fantasy is my favourite cup of escapism now.

I feel so at odds all the time, like I’m stuck in between two rocks because I don’t have the same beliefs as others. I just don’t fit in, and I can’t wait to find yet another route to escape. It’s quite a  horrible feeling so socially uneasy and panicky all the time.

Should I mc tomorrow, take a day off for myself and come back stronger although everything will pile up. I’m so tired and confused. I wish I could just have that laidback and self confident attitude but it has never been truly inculcated in me and what I am today is a manifestation of societal expectations. So disappointing, but all my answers to questions are by the book, politically correct and repeats of what has happened in the past. Someone being mean has caused snide comments. Being constantly drilled to be a certain way has caused model like answers. I can’t even deviate that far no matter how much I try. Roots, eh.

So beat. Why the heck am I even typing this out I’m exhausted. I’m going to try because I can and maybe, a chance to do something myself is out there. Please lead me on the right path/please let me find my way. The need to fulfil a purpose – is that a fundamental need that others concern themselves with?