Panicky and unsure

by Jolyn Low

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Such an amazing sunrise. These days, I always make it a point to look out of the window to catch the rising – it’s so beautiful.

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And this was today’s. So much character, so much promise, and hope. The best view may not be yours, but it’s still there to be shared all the same. Too much time is spent disconnected from the beauty of the world. The world is amazing. Although Singapore might be too colonized and urban, a tad too man-made, nature is everywhere. It’s out your window, in the sunlight that causes everything to glow, in the rain that calms you everyday. All so beautiful, yet so often forgotten in our constant rush and selfishness. Little flashes and glimpses are enough for now, for me.

Today, when I was making my way into the auditorium the cleaning aunties were so funny, jokingly telling me to ask about policies and to think about questions to ask. It was so funny and it made me really happy. Doesn’t everyone love it when someone reaches out and starts a conversation with you? This aspect of society is something that Singapore definitely lacks in sometimes. There is this sullen atmosphere most of the time, a lack of spontaneity and friendliness that we just lack. So many times I feel like talking to complete strangers for fun, just for the heck of it yet I can never get the courage to do so. Am I (are we) that unfriendly and reticent? So emotionally detached from the people around us? What type of humans are we? Is this just the hedgehog theory, or our own selfish and silly ways. I want to be open, friendly, someone who reaches out to others and brightens up their day too.

(Ugh keep pressing on the wrong button and exiting the post as I type)

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Getting all sentimental and emotional because I’m officially checking into the hostel this Sunday! I’m so excited yet afraid of whats to come. I’ve never lived alone and independently for an extended period of time, and am getting all homesick thinking about how much I’d miss my family. It’s something so integral in life, a family, and aren’t most of us so fortunate to have them constantly in life. This is the result of my packing. Still loads more to finish filing and sorting – gonna get my shit together before I move else I waste more time. Gonna miss my bed, aircon and Honey :-‘( sounding like a brat but I am and so are all you out there. Fortunate beings, aren’t we.

Met Sherryl on the way home today and so glad that we caught up. Its so hard to maintain relationships today, with so many to consider (not that I have that many but yeah might be applicable to anyone else). People drift and grow apart or grow closer. Time changes people and thus affects relationships. I admit that I’m not one who has many close friends nor am I particularly socially adept. Can’t help but feel wistful and feel like reconciling with some and to appreciate who I have now. I am happier keeping my relationships offline though. Using technology less in connecting with someone makes everything so much easier and uncomplicated. It’s face to face, blatant, and that much easier. Why be virtual and get to know someone virtually? An online presence against a real living being? That’s what I’ve done wrongly before but never again. (Realising how ironic and hypocritical this is because I’m typing this and posting it online lol so much for that philosophy.)

On the other hand, I always feel immature, silly and childish. My responses always lack the depth and maturity others have. A late bloomer? Or just pure laziness and refusal to use a perfectly good brain?

The life that I used to know, to dread at times, but undoubtedly the best life I had, is gone. To coping with living in a cocoon of notes and words! Cheers to that!

I’m turning 18 soon. I dread it, don’t feel anything for it, and am forgetting it. Cheers to being older! To two weeks later.

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