Isolated thoughts

Month: June, 2014

I can see it now, oh no

Whoop back home again after another week and not seeing the folks for two. Its the last weekend before prelims oh goodness I feel unprepared I’m still struggling to complete math and lit. 😦 not to mention inorganic chem. Thankfully there’s Wednesday but heck, Monday is going to hell. Literally rushing about after the first paper for tuition and having no time for any last minute revision for bio. Hope that this weekend is fruitful. Could’ve stayed in but I suppose a balance is everything especially when you’ve prior commitments and all.

So terribly sheltered and unaware.

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Though the pressure’s hard to take, it’s the only way I can escape

I honestly need a damn good full body massage and an outlet to deal with the shitstorm that is learning and revising. This school is hell. I feel like sarcastically laughing and screaming at myself/whoever sent me here to be honest. That’s what you get taking advice from an idiot I suppose. I’m making my own decisions from now on. There’s a tendency to go head on to do whatever I like, but it is always in anticipation of resistance of the worst kind. I know that the fear of failure drives this constraint but what is failure when you’re sent into an institution that encompasses it right down to the smallest degree?

On the brighter side I’m working out again hooray! Hence the reason for wanting a massage. Would like to fly to Thailand after an extremely intense workout just to get rid of those knots and twist my damn body back to normal/to kill those stiff muscles. Recently, I weighed myself after like 5 months and to my horror I’m soon to hit 45 kilos. Which I told myself is a no-no weight because I’ve never surpassed that figure and I honestly liked my body best around 42-43. I know that I shouldn’t do it this way but I am eating a tad too much for my physical output and hence the weight and adipose tissue gain which greatly annoys me.

(I am doing this healthily btw just saying. I’m not starving in no way – 3 proper meals a day and unhealthy ones at that. Not forgetting to mention my erratic meal timings at times.)

It’s easy for me to work on my core, back and upper body area because I’m terribly weak and lacking in those areas. But being the damn little pear I am I can’t seem to tone my lower body oh goodness someone save me. I’m trying to run again but its hard to pick off when your stamina is utter shit. At least I’ve managed to clock a 20 min run tonight but there’s much more that can be done. Oh and my entire face was super flushed since then wow unfit much.

I shall aim to work out thrice a week including my riding lessons! Or excluding, maybe. I’m not sure. Maybe I should use that stupidly long break in my timetable to hit the gym. Courtesy of the time tabling committee once again.

43kg here I come! And to a healthier lifestyle.

All the thoughts that we transpose

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It’s pretty awesome finding an artist who literally has all the songs that you need and can relate to in life. Meaningful lyrics, check. Fabulous melodies. And of course a style that appeals to you. I think that I’ve just found both my English and Korean equivalent of that. Their songs are a soundtrack that I require to get through life. Being strange, but yes. I tend to fall in love with a particular sound/style but it changes at times as I experiment – always returning to a certain band eventually though.

Ugfh had the Starbucks 1 for 1 tiramisu frappe and redeemed my free cake and dying of diabetes and hyperglycemia right now I’m so sleepy. This is why I need to eat more healthily this lifestyle is not sustainable. I really need an overhaul.

The fact that prelims are coming just dawned on me I realised that I’m still majorly unprepared aha such a joke. I need to know my new timetable but knowing the way things work I’m pretty sure that I’ll get a shitty schedule once again. I still have math and lit to cover oh goodness and to practice and go through my sciences. Thank goodness I managed to fix my gc I swear I’m going into the exam hall armed with all the different batteries and a screwdriver. Being really cautious now because of how unpredictable things can be. I’ll seriously start bawling if technology fails me during the exams.

Oh the vicious cycle of judgement in life. Such an amazing yet scary phenomenon. I’m guilty of that too I guess but sue me.

Need a cat!!!!!!

I love the post-workout feeling. The burn in the arms, the winded breath but the need to keep pushing. Sadly my stamina is utter crap at the moment. At least my core is improving or so I believe it to be. Need to burn more to see the results though. I really want to be stronger. Working out at night feels good. I’m too damn lazy to focus on one part of the body so full body workouts would have to do for now. I really want to push my legs though, I don’t feel the burn yet but I’m so damn lazy to push for longer distances. It’s too mentally daunting right now. I admire people who can keep running, seriously. It’s great but it’s such a tough thing to do.

Math! Thou shalt conquer you! I hope! Trying to spam my data plan now because I’m grossly under utilizing it. I hope I go home to nice surprises from Japan!

Just salt in the wound

I can’t believe how time flies. It’s nearing the end of June and I’m just totally caught off guard. Prelims are coming. Followed by prelims 2 and the final exams oh goodness I’m so unprepared. :’-(

I’ve enjoyed my stay in the hostel to be honest. The company and the lifestyle has been good although there’s obviously loads to be improved on the programme and way that it is run obviously. Just dying trying to spend all those damn hostel credits on horrible food and unhealthy food at that. I’m like only halfway through when I need to finish it by like next month?! And I try to spam food for breakfast.

The cats at the hostel are amazing they’re so friendly and squishy and soft and pretty. I cannot I almost thought the ginger one was going to follow me home on hindsight I really wanted it to. Was signing out at the guardhouse and it kept purring and rubbing against my feet (so adorable) and it then escorted me out of the hostel before having a total internal dilemma and stopping but still looking on. I OFFICIALLY NEED A CAT. There’s this gorgeous dark gray (kinda pewter) coloured one that hung at dinner with us too and she’s so friendly and tame and gorgeous. The sad thing is that although they look really well fed and are well acquainted with humans these cats have patches of missing fur and sores. Wish that more could be done for them and I hope that there isn’t some dominant male going around mauling the others especially ginger. They look really chill and content though. Lovely creatures.

I’m so excited that I’m going home. I miss it so and hence I don’t think that I’ll be able to live overseas for an extended period of time. Okay, maybe I could but it’ll be pretty hard/harder than I expected. I do love being overseas though. It’ll be amazing to live there and to study there for a time being. Maybe the UK or the USA or even Taiwan/Korea/China/Australia. I miss having my $2 huge bowl of porridge-10 xiao long bao-10 jiao zi breakfast from the old couple at Guangzhou. I love such “peasant” food because it’s just delicious and so amazingly filling yet affordable seriously. Taiwan is amazing too. It’s public transport is better than Singapore’s in certain areas, I dare say. The people are super nice and its really affordable too. If only I were better at Chinese; I wouldn’t mind trying to study there. Maybe I should aha the shopping is amazing too. To go for a dream or to etch myself back into reality in being practical.

Ah, because the grass is forever greener on the other side!

And I’m going under

Almost fell sick I’m always getting bitten so badly by those damn mosquitoes and the worst thing is that I can literally see them on my arm sucking the crap out of me and I just stare in horror at the black and white stripes on their legs and I pray and hope that I don’t get dengue.

I’m coming to the end of my bio and chem revision LOL MAYBE NOT. I’m still unsure about some stuff and all. But at least I’m trying to improve. But lit and math are still untouched I’m so screwed lol okay I’m gonna go back to work like now.

My body, I must reclaim

So these past few days have been crazy and I’ve totally been neglecting my study schedule I can’t even. Went for a haircut, tuition and visited on Mon so that ruined my studying plus I couldn’t fall asleep and hence overslept. Also I went to the gym, caught a movie and went out for dinner and to stock up on hostel stuff with the roommates and lost my phone today so there goes my studying, really I’m so behind time now.

Got all my dental stuff on the bright side. Been needing it because I’ve become really anal about my dental care. Darn braces.

I feel great after working out though! In all seriousness my fitness level has plummeted so badly and I’ve yet to see an improvement in anything but I hope to get better.

Left alone in Singapore whilst the rest of the fam enjoys themselves in Japan 😥 well we’ll just wait and see after a’s shall we.

I’m ‘loody legal

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So….yours truly turned 18 yesterday. Damn strange, I know or maybe it’s about time I’m starting to feel and look old (oh golly). Never actually thought that I’d reach this age and what a scary thing it is to constantly be one day older which in the big picture leads you to being one year older after 365 times of that. Life isn’t a cycle. It’s a non-stop race till the unknown end. Makes you want to make use of your time more wisely, huh, due to this time sensitivity. This wasn’t how I pictured turning 18 would be and age doesn’t really bother me anymore. Suppose I just wish that I’ve accomplished more in my youth but guess what, I still am so let’s make use of this time more wisely.

The funny thing is that despite what I’ve said about turning 18 I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol so far. I want to try trolling someone when I buy alcohol one day too.

Surprisingly managed to convince my momma to get me a MacBook after a’s though and dad seems keen to pay for my driving lessons soz…hehe. I mean I don’t mind forking out for them but if he’s willing I’m all for it though I feel bad because I want to be financially independent. Such things would easily  deplete any meagre income next time though also considering how I want to travel and shop. Especially a MacBook. Shall be the last thing I’d ever ask of my parents! Not that I ask for much actually. I think I’ve been the most thrifty kid of all (really) other than some other inevitable expenses. If you think about it, just raising a kid in Singapore is a million dollar thing. Try calculating all your overseas trips, tuition fees and living expenses. Yes, feel damn guilty about the entire thing. Was that money put to good use? I honestly don’t know.

I feel so indepted. And this honestly drives me on at the moment because just a scholarship, even if it’s not something that I absolutely want, is better than making them fork out thousands for an overpriced education. But the question is: can I make it? If I don’t obtain the grades I can just forget about it. I have nothing else that would make me a worthy candidate for one anyway. Never done anything and never worthy of anything that would give an edge.

On the other hand, its father’s day today! Whoop whoop. I don’t celebrate because I have the utmost conviction that my birth is the best father’s day present so just being around on my birthday would bring joy because the following day would be the actual day! Chose the best time to arrive didn’t I yes I’m the best father’s day gift from heaven. /all hail me/ no I’m kidding I suck I don’t celebrate at all :’-( I’m a bad kid lol. But I just never had such a habit since young. Plus I appreciate my dad all day err day especially for pushing me to pursue my passions like horse riding and not allowing me to quit that one time I fell off a Shetland pony at 11 and wanted to.

Okay enough of the mush distance and feigned indifference is my forte/the comfort zone. Blame it on the upbringing or just my innate character, really but I’m extremely sensitive so I put a lot of effort into capping my emotions and trying not to lose it sometimes especially when I’m upset.

Being happy because I had some retail therapy today though I only got 2 pieces I’m really satisfied with it plus it was on sale. Need to shop more ugh but it’s best when done after a long draught.

For you.

Lusting and losing

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I cannot I feel like I need to get so many things but I obviously don’t have the budget for it right now and want to get the real authentic thing. And I realised that it’ll look better if I lost a tad bit of weight especially on the thighs and butt so many things I can’t fit into because of them problem areas :-‘( I must succeed in losing and maintaining this time round!

Does anyone else feel like what they’re doing is so pointless too? Trying but not getting the results that you want – sounds so results orientated but that’s what the world is, isn’t it? I don’t have any idea about what I want to do, I dislike working hard since I dislike the subject. The only things that I’m semi passionate about are so worthless to the pragmatic. It even feels worthless to me too. Beyond what I like to do, all of which are superficial and worthless, there is no burning passion or conviction. What a joke. Put in such a position and not even having anything one is actually interested in. Even a child has more ambition than I do.

I’m turning 18 like wtf not ready to be legal yet but ever so ready for it? It’s a pretty ambiguous feeling, like I’m officially going to be an adult but I don’t want the responsibilities and I feel so damn old. Others my age are going to college in other countries and I haven’t even graduated from bloody high school. Genius education system this country has, really. I think this sentiment is largely fuelled by this want to keep up with others of my age group and to get over my period of education as quickly and painlessly as possible. Everything is too rigid and constricting here. So many limitations and so many forced things. Too many useless things that take up precious free time and too much discrimination.

I’ve so much to be thankful for – shall cut this short because being all expressive on the internet is kinda pushing the boundaries.

I’m a slave to the sound.

Born with freedom

Or am I?

I don’t know, really. Everything seems to be a short term goal, a quick fix solution here. Mugging my ass off for the month – to get better results (hopefully) and to attempt to get good enough grades for the exam that ultimately kinda determines my future. Why isn’t there a back-up plan that doesn’t involve wasting more years of my life? Am I doomed to this existence, going with the flow and competing with so many others who actually are good at this? Will life get better, is it actually more than this?

The grass is always greener on the other side. I’ve always admired and envied those who live such seemingly free lives, coveting their freedom, talent and ability to do whatever they want. Always disdainful of my own country for the rigidity and lack of options (in my opinion) or maybe because I chose this path. Or my parents did, pushing me into what they thought was the best for me. Even so, I haven’t managed to escape from this so it’s all up to me.

Seems like life would begin after A’s. I want to visit other countries so badly and am extremely excited with the plan to go to Korea now. It’s one of those countries in Asia I’ve yet to visit and it seems like a fitting country to go to. Stoked and hopefully it comes true.

Need to work out I’m so grossly lazy and lethargic 😦 died just horse riding and getting weak. Not everyone can be blessed with the ultimate perfect body without putting in any effort whatsoever. Hard work shall prevail.

Been trying to keep my grip

I can’t even. Been spamming videos and entertainment ever since I got home because unlimited access to WiFi is just so precious to me now. Plus I’ve pretty much reached my limit for my data usage so woe to me. Just watching running man and bap and reliving how happy I was/basking in their utter perfection. Ok I have issues.

Just dying because I’m back at the hostel and it’s so hard to do stuff plus it’s a Monday I hate Mondays had the absolute hardest time trying to get out of bed. Meeps totally regret sleeping at 2am last night there goes catching up on my sleep. Absolutely can’t function without it.

Having sudden urges to go shopping recently. I think its due to the fact that I find that I have little to no clothes whenever I want to dress up. There is literally nothing for me to experiment with anymore and my wardrobe is sorely lacking in so much.