Isolated thoughts

Month: July, 2014

Keep my glass full until morning light

It’s insane. Fewer than a hundred odd days, about 3 months. People have started counting down two days ago. And in a loss I’ve done nothing but waste away. It was rather insane that the movie screened last night was one so significant in my opinion. The concept of it astounds me. ‘In Time’. Its quite a fitting occurance isn’t it? When we are first created, we don’t even know if we’d make it out safe. So fragile and the potential for something hazardous to happen at such a delicate age being so high. Our time has never been definite, and I suppose the fact that every moment may be our last makes us so precarious beings. Moments and life should be utilized to its fullest; spent well. I don’t know when my life will end and I don’t know how. But I hope to be less jaded and to really live, a guilt-free, honest and happy life.

Such thoughts race through my mind these days because I woke up mad sick yesterday after complaining about an irritated throat and inflammation. The feeling of being unable to breathe because your airways are clogged up or just inflammed and hence small is so horrendous. I felt like giving up on breathing because it felt so horrible every time I forced a gasp. But it’s getting better. My immune system is utter shit though and really, self medication is never good. Not like visiting the doctor is better anyway.

I feel kinda sorry because I haven’t updated in such a long time but it might just be good because then my thoughts really accumulate. Catharsis at its finest. Especially so after a long weekend of thinking and being quiet observing and passing time.

Is this what I want? It’s a question that often confounds me and makes me lost again. It might’ve been teenage rebellion but what happened to being more aware and being ambitious.

Is this the essential part of being human? To live unknowingly and happily? It’s scary. I dread the day I pass on and end up like that dead horse (which was put down just because of a broken bone by the way – screw you cruel assholes) being put in for an autopsy and being torn apart. Maybe that’s how it feels like to be exposed utterly even after you’ve died. Whatever is left behind critically examined or kept for memories sake, maybe leaving a positive impact. Or will it just he thrown away? Useless in such an age?

With a little poise and rationality

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Wonderful days and everything else fades. I’m fascinated and I see no other way of living.

Just had my teeth drilled ugh I hate how hard it is with braces. Thankfully it’s coming off next January. HALLELUJAH. In the meantime, shall just look forward to that and keep them pearlie whites as healthy as possible.

The good/reassuring thing is that my percentiles are going up but it’s still stick at rock bottom for some subjects (chem) ugh. I’m quite thankful that I’m being forced into the worst band “band 3” as explicitly and carelessly labelled by a certain adult though. Thank goodness there are competent people there. Would’ve had a major bitch fit but finally some wise decisions/luck.

On the flipside it is so tiring trying to push on. Been trying to have a better lifestyle though. Hopefully it works.

I’d better go, the study room is surprisingly alright to study in. For now.

Closing the damn door

That’s a wrap! Flaws and misunderstandings or the lack of knowledge all uncovered. What unsightly numbers. Bordering on the edge of hopelessness. What point is there to live a life where you struggle and cannot provide? Is life all this is to be? The struggle to survive?

Anyhow I’m a pretty happy person right now although it fluctuates terribly. You can’t help but feel belittled and undermined at times. Optimism is hard to come by.

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But hey I have this cutie pie. Not photogenic in the slightest but damn ball of fur makes me so happy every time I go back home.

Woe

Do I think that I deserve these grades? No. Do they even care? No yet again.

Is my fate sealed so easily?

Little sins and bigger scenes

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Just look at the amount of crap I ingested someone help me but hey 6pm diet here I come.

It’s the moment of truth.

Will I go home? Or will I run away?

The grasp of reality, that last cling onto my otherwise free body, has brought me back to the cold hard reality. The cycle of consciousness that thankfully keeps my perspectives grounded if not for the constant transitions as I muddle my way through the murky waters. It’s not clear. For a long while, it hasn’t been. The darkness that I thought was gone, banished, has henceforth returned and it dominates. Am I unhappy? No. Am I depressed? At moments, yes, but that is easily overcome now. Am I happy? Not exactly. Yet I do have moments when it shines so gloriously bright, when my soul feels free.

Is this a relapse or a good transition that I need to get me where I have to go? I need to succeed.

On the other hand, I’ve been having strange dreams again. Like wowza what even happened.

I am unhealthy. I need supplements ugh.

Panicky hearts and calm minds

Day by day.
Closer yet further.
Welcome yet dreaded.
Abundant but limited.

I will imprison you in darkness

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Yes, I have no clothes which totally justifies my shopping today. I’m so eggcited it’s been so long since I’ve actually bought anything. And that’s called a <$10 ootd yup diy shorts which I tried to distress and a t-shirt that I suppose is apt.

I just mopped and sweeped the room I'm exhausted wtf came back this morning to dump all my stuff and get things sorted out because tests just destroy whatever effort used to make my study stuff organized. Going out shopping later though, hehe. With only <5 hours of sleep because I slept late and woke early and got awaken by the idiot who entered my room and what ensued was a cussing/screaming match and my fist itched to draw some pleasure from harm. (As poetic as I can get here, thanks)

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Hi.

Introducing Flower the mouse and Benjamin the polar bear. Feel like I’m running an adoption agency for lost/sad stuffed toys here. Found Benjamin sadly lying in the store room at home waiting to be donated and me being the selfish bitch I am was too attached to him to possibly let him go to a slobbering child (he was my brother’s and idk why he would abandon him) and liked his puffiness so much that I decided to give him a second shot at life! I think I’ll stop at 2 though because my bed at home was entirely overpopulated and the bed here is rather tiny, really.

Can’t decide if I’m a heavy or light sleeper to be honest. I think I’m more towards the light side because I can definitely be awaken given a certain level of stimulus but when I sleep I often sleep very well and deeply like totally unaware until I get sucked out of that vortex of unconciousness. It really feels like I’m underwater before coming up for air when I wake up. Like when you sink down the deep end of a pool and sit there meditating before you come up suddenly and open your eyes. Like that.

Balance. That’s all that’s needed.

We move like the Ocean, but I can’t swim anymore

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The next thing I was conscious of, from falling fast asleep around midnight, was of the wild thunder and lightning, the storm, that was outside my window. Probably partially due to the splattering of the rain, from the windows that were left open through this entire ordeal that woke almost every living being. Thunder and lightning are milliseconds away – right outside my window, as the lightning strikes yet again. I fear for my safety as it flashes so brightly in front of my face yet again. With closed eyes, it shouldn’t have been so blinding but it is. And the fire alarm starts to ring.

It is scary symbolic to me how this storm has come the morning before the exams on Monday and now again at the end of mine this Saturday morning. I’m slowly psycho analyzing the entire event because why not and symbolism hello. My mind cross links the strangest things but such strange happenings have to be ruminated upon. So I popped up awake to find myself cold but not so uncomfortably so, put on a hoodie and used a towel to shield my poor legs. It’s the perfect temperature imbalance. I created a playlist that I thought suits the weather, and its mainly from a new band that I’ve been listening to and responsible for all the strange titles! Hint: Bad Suns. I’ve been loving their sound so much.

This reminds me, of this song that had thunder in the background and I thought that there was a storm going on outside when it was totally dry.

Am I growing old? To be awoken by such otherwise unconcerning weather at this age.

But hey, prelims 1 are over for me. This is amazing time is flying by so quickly I cannot believe that I’ve spent such a long time in the hostel already. But I definitely see the payoff. I’ve somewhat completed my first chemistry paper with more confidence and knowing or semi knowing what was going on. Maybe it was an easy paper, I don’t know. I hope that I improve.

It feels good to have an idea of what I want to do this weekend till Tuesday. Food, wine, oh shower me with the glorious material pleasures there is on earth.

See, how you’re ridden in fear

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Poetry to the ears, because it speaks more to the soul.

I’m so sad lol I’m feeling horrible about all my papers what is this? I can’t even sit down and study now because that’s how hopeless the entire thing is.

Hehe. Pepero.

At least there’s the long weekend to look forward to! Yes, the weekend! Determination for the next 2 hours and I shall free my mind.