Isolated thoughts

Month: August, 2014

You maniac

Are you satisfied with the person in the mirror? No. She’s ugly. Look at her eyes, they’re crazy. That uneasiness you get  around her because she’s bad. And the ugly heart hidden within her chest.

Being too sensitive is bad. But being insensitive is worse. Interactions have become a burden yet again. Can one not live life smoothly and peacefully for too long? Because conflict lies within ourselves. This is the line and ain’t nobody gonna cross it.

Ha ha ha.

Thunderstorms lighten the spirit. Heavy rain often makes me feel so carefree and happy – maybe because I feel like it signifies a new beginning. A new phase of the cycle. To put the bad past behind me and to move on and be strong.

Joy. I felt it whilst I ran freely. Expression feels good. Good company, good times, a good lifestyle. Good food.
Blessings just like rain.

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Haunt me with dreams

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It feels like forever since I’ve actually accomplished anything in life. Maybe it’s because I truly haven’t. I haven’t found my “calling”; I have no purpose. What would you do in the next 70 years that you’ve been given – the next 30 when you’re still physically able to do something? All there was to life before was studying. Even now that’s all life seems to revolve about.

But I suppose we must all realize eventually that there is a purpose for us being in our position in life. Why we’re here. To study and to strive for such seemingly dull goals and under such a silly system. Perhaps there is a greater meaning to being gifted such a life. I hope that I do accomplish something useful in this life – something beneficial in a sense although the exact path is murky right now.

A calling to be happy

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Hey, again. I’ve been so inconsistent in jotting down my thoughts recently – as though there’s a writer’s block yet this isn’t fiction and words should come easily because we are all self-centred beings.

How does society exactly decide what we should do? It is so conflicting and befuddling. Isn’t that the ultimate joy of being human; of life. You find things contradictory, question things. Yet again you realize that you’re nothing. Just another typical product of your society. Just as imperfect or more so because of the insecurities that plague everyone.

I was riding today and was feeling extremely confident at the beginning. All was well. Then I started doubting and tensing up. And boom the spell is broken. The horse felt it and got uneasy, and I can’t blame it. The feeling of losing control is horrendous. Sometimes it takes off and I can’t do anything but hold on. But as it happens more you just learn how to sit back and hang on for the ride. Life in a nutshell. I’m just going to continue with what I’m doing with poise and a calm spirit and I’d make it in the end.

In all sincerity, I hope that I could pass all my subjects for the upcoming prelims properly for once. No half assed U for chemistry. Preferably above D for everything at minimum. Just penning down my goals for future references.

The suppression of true emotion backfires every time. Yet so much goes unsaid. I wish you were a better person. I wish I were a better person too. I tell myself that “I’d never let myself be like you” but the sad fact is that I probably would. I would remain righteous though. The devil can’t stop me now.

Feeling as good as lovers should and can

Is it the 80 day mark already? I cannot believe how time is flying. It seems like forever since I’ve touched a softball, since I’ve failed those tests at the beginning of the year. Since I’ve checked into the hostel. Routines have been formed and broken. I would like to believe that I’ve broken a bad habit of not studying. Such vice is hard to cure – the struggle occurs every day. Being efficient and effective, that’s what will make a difference now.

The work is piling on and I’m falling farther behind in my revision schedule. There seems like there’s just simply no time to complete anything on top of the crazy amount of revision required for school. Is there any choice? No. Chemistry is especially taxing. Doing three papers for three different lessons is no joke. I feel good having been moved to band 2 for lectures though. It always feels good to press forward and be acknowledged to be able to. I sincerely hope that it’ll be the right decision to move on. Juggling so much work is so hard but I’m glad that I’ve been able to keep up for a majority.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path at all. I’ve had a sudden enlightenment that this does empower me. Education is such a blessing I should sincerely stop taking it for granted. I might not be the luckiest or smartest kid out there but I’m sincerely thankful for having all the opportunities that I’ve had. For making it (almost) out of the tertiary education hell which has pushed me further. I’ll probably scoff at this next time but I wonder how much further I’ll go and what I’ll think of my a level experience.

I always enjoy Fridays 🙂 the library was quiet and even kinda empty. Basketball with the neighbours was good too I’ll miss it when it’s all over. Late night chats, cards. Ah.

Had an amazing session today. Most amount of freedom although I was semi scolded. Just two people in a huge arena of 60x20m and so much cantering that it made my legs all wobbly and weak after. Feels great to be honest though it could’ve been better if I got my favourite horse. I swear I have chemistry (lol) with it. I remember a joke about what’ll happen when I ride a white pony and guess what – got a white pony today. Haaaaaa haaaaaa.

Going to the mega flea with juns tonight woohoo. Feeling awesome wearing my pretty shoes.

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Amazing matcha slush thing with toppings at snowflake in kl 😥 I wanna go back. Has a week really passed in a blink of the eye? At the very least I could joke about how I slacked in style.

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Right. Pretty shoes. Those!!!!! Ugh my faded black jeans totally doesn’t do it justice do you see the ribbons?! So pretty right. Right. And I’m wearing a cat shirt. Which is made of a good material I am so anal about that for clothes. If it’s not good quality, no way in hell am I going to wear it anymore. Sorry for being a prude but I’ve had it with crappy clothes. Quality and affordability over brand any day. Am currently revamping my wardrobe so forgive me.

Haaaaa just got jeans for $4.90 at uniqlo. Made the poor cashier have a hard time ringing it up but hey, black jeans at this price? Worth it. Currently loving basics and Japanese fashion. So sleek.

Had dinner at bibigo which was pretty great. Affordable with a nice ambience – the interior design was on point. I was obsessed with the bare warm light bulbs. And wood furnishing ugh and cutlery that went so well together. The prices were pretty good too not to mention that it’s my first time using my card to pay because of a discount (hey it adds up alright…). Definitely a good experience and I’m glad we tried it! Virgin bibimbap well spent. Had black rice, beef and all sorts of vegetables which was really nice and it felt so healthy. Goodness, I need to take a trip up to Korea next year.

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Glorious food.

Work hard, play harder.

Pour the champagne!

Geez have I enjoyed myself.

Had access to the club floor of the hotel and guess who was drinking wine(s) and champagne. Totally wanted to try hard liquor but sadly wasn’t allowed to. (What’s new?) I’m more accustomed to less potent stuff anyway the last time rum was on the mix it didn’t end up pretty with cringing upon every mouthful of ice cream.

Got heels and this pair of adorable Oxfords I was so sad when I realised that they didn’t have my size but tried it a size bigger and it still looks fabulous. The branded goods there are just ridiculously priced though.

Had a massage but the damn lady dug her thumbs in and so hard especially on the scalp I felt like I was dying. Does she not feel my bones? I stand by my belief that Thailand and Cambodia have the cheapest and best massages ever.

Caught guardians of the galaxy and it was surprisingly good.

I absolutely hate travelling by car sometimes. Especially within or across close countries. Train> car. Any day. Looks like my schedule is screwed for the rest of the day as usual can’t do no shit right can’t y’all.

Time to get back in the swing of things. Refreshed and recharged and sick of having fun whoops.

Just trust and faith; for you’ll never know

Sometimes, I wonder if constantly going overseas is my personal crutch in life. Give me all the money and time in the world, and I’d choose to travel. Travelling to far flung lands where the roads are different. Maybe just not in a car lol I kinda dislike road trips. Give me train trips any day/ can teleportation actually be real.

This is ridiculous lol I slept at 2 savouring my bed and using the internet but then I had to wake up at 4 before leaving Singapore around 5 and now I’m almost at kl at its 8.30??? Damn. This is amazing. Worth the early waking up and being damn grouchy because that’s what happens when you lack sleep.

I need to win that damn contest and passes LOL PLZ HAHAHA LET THINGS HAPPEN AND GO MY WAY FOR ONCE. But what are the chances man how am I going to win – be one of the lucky 100 out of maybe almost ten thousand entries. And if I do I’ll still have to do a shit load of excuse making to see them because it’s a bad time – 8pm till who knows when because recordings aren’t as short anyway. But wait I need to win those tickets first anyway hehe sincerity please let me win! I can’t even express how disappointed I always am despite how much I love them I never win these contents ugh. Instead the bimbo next to me won the high touch passes and all aodhfbfjgodnf HOW IS THAT FAIR?!?!?! I SOUND LIKE SUCH AN ENTITLED BRAT (I AM) BUT UFH SOMEONE FEEL MY FRUSTRATION. Good karma which hasn’t come at all throughout the year please appear and make up for the shit that was my grades omg. And save some for a’s too omg HAHAHA. I sound insane. But really B.A.P is just so amazing I need to see them 😥 up close and personal. I regret not going for their fan meet in 2012 and the 2013 concert. I sound obsessed like I idolize them or something – I really just admire them and love their music. I can’t forget their concert in Singapore man it was awesome but imagine a small intimate setting goodness that’ll be so much more amazing and the chance of actually interacting and asking them all the questions that I have for them!!! How do I even sum up why and how much I want to see them?!

But hey I had a fabulous yesterday watching their 30,000 miles on earth with Jun. I swear they all dislike the spotlight but Chan/Dae/Jae do what they have to. And had guo tie/tang jiao/beef noodles/zha jiang noodles for lunch which was awesome and cheap $24 in total for a totally filling meal. Pretty damn good for the quality honestly. I love that stall. And breakfast today was great too at some cafe kinda place with fruit juice and bread! Had the satis-something breakfast and I totally got reminded of satis house omg ahahah anyone??? Idk how it plays into the dish though. Maybe I’ve got the relation wrong. Not like I’m good at lit anyway.

Wow school is killing me. But who cares when you can just overseas on a spontaneous idea last week? I really don’t find anything that I like though.

Honestly, all I want to do now is to sleep and do nothing. Maybe go for a swim and then knock the hell out. Ugh.

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Hi from the last ndp celebration ever in that school.

Stumbled through a hallway

There’s a looming dateline to meet. To be able to complete all the revision and I know everything like the back of my hand. I’m a far cry away from being at that stage. In fact, I might never reach that stage considering how many topics there are to figure out and how little time there is to do so. It seems like I might be camping at the library for hours now onwards. I need to catch up.
Honestly over the past week I’ve been getting into a new routine of studying in the study room and it’s been really conducive. It’s quiet and the fact that you’re surrounded by others in a rather small area makes you keep doing work because of peer pressure/you don’t get that feeling of wanting to slack off. I could sit there for hours just doing work unless I get stuck. Been avoiding the library with all my might because I find it too crowded and open to be conducive. But seems like I’ll be stuck there for now. I think I’ll try it for a week or two and if it works out that’s fine if not, it’s back to the study room for me!

I’m desperately trying to complete my bio learning outcomes book and I feel my passion in bio reignitijg because of it. I don’t find it that dreadful yet because it feels amazing whenever you make a breakthrough in understanding because the syllabus is just so broad that for some topics, you can’t truly understand it unless you can consolidate everything. Genetics of variation and evolution will kill me though. It’s so abstract T______T

I love horse riding I cannot it’s so therapeautic. Riding then washing the horses and learning about their quirks and all makes me happy especially when i get the horses that I like. *_* I was born in the wrong country ugh it’s so expensive to own a horse/it’s totally not practical to do so unlike in other countries. I even saw a really handsome pony at a remote village in Cambodia. So jealous. Really. It’s been a childhood dream of mine to own a pony. Makes me think of leasing a horse that I really like in the future if I could but I’ll probably still be riding for leisure then. I really envy those kids who have such great access to riding though. Though I am really fortunate already.

This reminds me – I need to work more on my back, shoulders and core muscles. And to lose some muscle mass on my legs if that’s possible because I just abhor them. The gym/running sessions it is! I seriously need to have a good workout routine because I’m so unfit and my diet is really bad. How else am I going to stay healthy until A’s at the rate that I’m going?

This week is going to be filled with hard work I solemnly swear. Feels good to have bypassed the 50/100 mark for biology learning outcomes. And somehow I ran out of pen ink (freshly changed) in less than a week like wtf. I still am terribly unprepared though.

Had black ball and roti mama today hehe I am such a glutton 😥 had super good zhi char kinda food for lunch after church too I loved it all especially because it was piping hot and freshly cooked. Nothing beats that. Been realising what a fortunate child I am. I’m probably too pampered – living a pretty damn luxurious life ever since young. I would like to get out of this spoilt brat phase though. I don’t think that I’m spoilt per say – it’s just how I was brought up with my parents more than happy to provide anything. Partially because they know that I won’t unnecessarily waste and when I really want something it’s pretty rare because I’ve been quite self sufficient especially after last year’s little work stint and actually buy quite a fair bit of things by myself! I do get an allowance for now but I definitely won’t after school ends.

On the flipside we might make a little escapede to the neighbour over the long weekend woohoo I’m quite excited. Friday till Monday is going to be a blast. Shopping……massages, the pool, good food. Ah, the life! That’s if it works out.

I remember my p6 teacher say “it’s attitude; not altitude” and “do your best, and God will do the rest”. Am I too late?