Isolated thoughts

Month: September, 2014

Wake me up when September ends

I’m kinda hungry in the middle of the night and this is working out well because I refuse to eat (from a biological perspective eating is a bad thing to do). Am going to have to survive on really little now because of the change in system in the hostel. Additionally, yours truly being the genius she is spent all her money on meatballs, ice cream and a Tupperware because it’s complicated. I’m looking forward to the food tomorrow yet I’m kinda dreading it all the same. It’ll be a bumpy start and end.

Went out on a limb and overrode my prior decision to avoid the old campus. To be honest the only memories I had there were those of the rocky start in my softball life. I don’t particularly recall much happening because I wasn’t involved and I pretty much slept through all the physics lessons and almost failed.

At least it’s semi-closure for me. Graduation and prom would be the final seals. I’m wondering what I would feel if anything and am honestly dreading it because in between I’m going to face the A’s. I suppose I have no regrets regarding the entire 6 years I’ve been here (okay, maybe a few) but overall it’s made me grow that much more.

Whatever the result, it’s not in my hands anymore.

The month to the A’s. Indeed, the wake up call when September ends.

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Decisions and derisions

Sometimes I feel like my decisions need to be respected. In other times, perhaps another time I won’t feel this way. But this is my reality now. How I perceive it. How I chose to live it. Please give me the liberty of that. Don’t disregard the fact that everyone has their own life. And this is mine.

Went thrifting today and damn I missed thrifting. Kinda. Found a pretty good pair of old jeans I’m gonna shred real well after A’s. Worth the money if it lasts as long as I think it would. Ripped bermudas here I come. Wanted to find a dress but that didn’t work out (obviously). Problems of being petite ugh. Found heels that were perfect but they just had to be a size large. Got the Clash of Kings at a steal too hehe shall continue my quest after A’s. Might even use the left over jeans material for something else. The trick is the material and the wash. 😉

Mad but watch it.

AMEN TO THAT

That’s a wrap! Feeling accomplished because I finally “get” inorganic chemistry. Somehow on the 5th try of reading through and memorizing it has gone into this thick skull. Shall work on drilling it in now. The satisfaction is so euphoric especially today during the paper when I could actually apply what I knew.

The final examinations are over! I’m so relieved yet I’m freaking out because I’m so unprepared for A’s despite all the preparation that’s been done. The damn double papers were truly horrendous but I guess it’s a payoff for not having continuous papers day after day. Thankfully the real thing is going to be spread out, one down after another and with the space I need to gather my wits.  I just hope that I can salvage whatever I can in these 5 weeks – perhaps save my imminent death especially in chemistry. 😥 my percentile and grades are a joke I swear. So is my math but that’s definitely going to be coming up this time. Hope that I don’t get any S or Us this time round (but then again, my chemistry…).

The final lap!

Everything feels damn futile and a waste of effort. It’s like no matter how much I study or how hard I try that nothing gets into this thick skull of mine and the only thing that I’m receiving are bloody fail grades. Easy for any bystander to say. Do you think that I like the feeling of being a disappointment? Of never achieving anything despite all the damn time and effort I put into my work? I wasn’t made for this world.

Dread locks

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Therapy. My form of therapy. It’s kinda funny how I came home last week to see the dog with short hair and how both of us ended up with our hair cut. Unintended and coincidentally.

Thankful for being exposed. To other little facets of life. To the alternate yet coexisting realities that exist. The problem of living life too comfortably is that there is no threat to your survival. What is it like to live in such uncertainty? To meet adversity greater than what you’ve ever thought about?

Kinda makes me realize how much I lack if I want to achieve what I want.
Seems like the days after the big A’s would be spent on the piano, experimenting on various medium, hopefully producing a tangible result and learning. I would like the time to read those books on my kindle, explore and just read. I’m also thinking of brushing up on my chinese through reading and watching more shows. Man, those few months would be spent well. I swear.

Young, wild, hungry and most of all, still free.

Blind and childish I won’t fight it

Here I hide beneath my innocence

Damn I love her soul and voice. It’s like being transported to an alternative universe and it feels like time is slowing down. So welcoming and soothing to the soul.

I feel like I’m drowning in the voices inside my mind. (Not that I hear anything other than what goes on around me.) It’s just the thoughts that keep going through – the response to any stimuli significant enough to register and create a response. The doubts, fears, expectations that grow and are burned down every day. A continuous cycle of change in perspective, the only constant truly being fear of the unknown. The unknown. How is life going to be from now on? Everyone’s reality is a little different. A little too different at times that it could even make you lonely and isolated in your own struggles because no one else can empathize with you. Some battles are better faced alone. And others just not worth the fight anymore. Why challenge what seems hopeless and what’s a huge burden on the soul? Save it for something or someone that matters.

I find it hard to speak my mind at times. Truly. This reluctance and sheer challenge of not truly or properly expressing myself makes me feel so fake. It’s rubs off on the need to be honest and truthful. Then again are things left unsaid truly harmless? What if that’s what I think but not what you do? What if what I revealed was something I don’t truly feel comfortable sharing? People tend to take things for granted and we all intepret things wrongly. Perhaps I haven’t been standing up for myself. Silently letting things pass and accepting the blame when I’ve done absolutely no wrong. Confrontations have never been a habit or way of life for me. It always comes to mind but never carried out. (No guts) I suppose if I really cared or were comfortable I’d do so. Maybe it’s time to put the days of dropping of hints and bouts of anger in solitude and time taken overcoming whatever dazzled my sensitive nerves over.

Darn I’m unfit I just died running a little. Hah. Never was cut out for long distances anyway and the pain in the knee is coming back quite badly. The days of running every single day are over. Thank goodness though. I’m kinda horrified at how unhealthy and sick I was then. At least I had such a determined mind – and it’s a good hurdle to have overcome. What the hell was I thinking or doing really….

Help, I’m alive. My heart keeps beating like a hammer.

So my friend, our time is done

Taking a break because memorizing just isn’t working for me. My weekend was spent peacefully at the very least. I know that I’m prepared to a certain extent but I know that I haven’t done all that I can. I don’t really know what I’m doing at this moment in time to be honest. I don’t know how to go on in my revision. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life.

I had a migraine last night. Bloody hell. I felt so sick and shitty I wanted to retch so badly and so I did. At least I wised up and had a (somewhat) good night’s rest. Then I read this morning’s papers and got a scare. Touching wood but I have faith that my body won’t fail me now. It’s time to take good care though – time to get fit, stay healthy, and generally have good dietary habits. “Why me?” But sometimes the understanding that life is temporary helps you through that.

On the bright side I had an amazing time this week riding without stirrups for like half the lesson. I love riding without stirrups it’s so liberating especially so when you canter and go fast yet you stay on because you’re in control. The freedom and the understanding that goes between you and the animal is priceless. The exhiliration and the feeling of flying is so addictive that I would do it every time if I could.

Back to a pixie. Forget about long hair damn it I’m staying this way. Even grandpa thinks I look good so screw it I’m going to remain this way for a while longer. Much more economical and less time consuming too.

My Ghost, where’d you go?

What happened to the soul that you used to be?

Well, this sucks. Being all bitchy, prudish, prissy and hurtful but not meaning it and thinking it through. Or is all this spite just a manifestation of character and stress? I don’t know. It’s getting harder to be all patient, nice and generally a good person I suppose. Realizing that everyone has their own desires and sometimes when interests don’t parallel which results in conflict. You can’t avoid it, so just take the brunt of the damage like you always do. It’s tiresome avoiding and treading on eggshells. Yet there are times when someone just gets how you feel and that’s pretty damn great I guess. Well, time to get over this sucky slump and manage my life better once again.

Do you even know that?

Sometimes we have to make decisions for ourselves.

Because we’re worth it

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Because if you won’t stand up for yourself, if you live under the reign of another power, you cannot be. It’s sad how we are hindered by the existence of a sheet/sheets of paper and plastic. Is that really wealth? Does that truly make you you? No doubt, everyone needs some. There’s a fine line between adequacy, comfort and useless excesses though.

If I told you what plagues my mind you wouldn’t believe it too. It’s quite funny how different that is from my perceived usual way that I go about in life. But some things just need to be kept like a  Pandora’s box. “Just so dark and foul I can’t disguise” (Hurricane – I kinda forgot the singer…is it Metric? Though the sound is completely different. I miss my songs that were lost in my iPhone which decided to bail on me; thanks buddy. Ah, its Ms MR after research.) Your perception is your reality after all. I wonder how higher beings, hypothetically like how you’ll be after death as an angel or however you’d like to see it, see everyone’s different thoughts and little realities. Like piecing the big picture together to see the large scale reality. Who truly knows?

I spent Friday night remodelling my room. Took so much out of me but it was productive at least. Got the table uncluttered for more productive use and packed everything away neatly. I feel pretty damn satisfied seeing all my bio and chemistry notes neatly tucked away on the shelf. Brought some instant oats into the hostel so I’ve got a healthy alternative at the very least for breakfast, missed dinners and snacks.

Lazed my Saturday and Sunday away as usual, just gp all day every day through the useless information that I digest. I adore my tutor he’s so modern and opinionated and his perception puts everything into perspective for me. I want to be someone like that. There at some leaps and bounds to that though. Need to clean up my act asap! Give me until after A’s though. I need this time.

Let me sleep and think up a storm of ideas. And wake in the state to perform.

Promise? But the premise of my faith does not lie on sand.