Blind and childish I won’t fight it

by Jolyn Low

Here I hide beneath my innocence

Damn I love her soul and voice. It’s like being transported to an alternative universe and it feels like time is slowing down. So welcoming and soothing to the soul.

I feel like I’m drowning in the voices inside my mind. (Not that I hear anything other than what goes on around me.) It’s just the thoughts that keep going through – the response to any stimuli significant enough to register and create a response. The doubts, fears, expectations that grow and are burned down every day. A continuous cycle of change in perspective, the only constant truly being fear of the unknown. The unknown. How is life going to be from now on? Everyone’s reality is a little different. A little too different at times that it could even make you lonely and isolated in your own struggles because no one else can empathize with you. Some battles are better faced alone. And others just not worth the fight anymore. Why challenge what seems hopeless and what’s a huge burden on the soul? Save it for something or someone that matters.

I find it hard to speak my mind at times. Truly. This reluctance and sheer challenge of not truly or properly expressing myself makes me feel so fake. It’s rubs off on the need to be honest and truthful. Then again are things left unsaid truly harmless? What if that’s what I think but not what you do? What if what I revealed was something I don’t truly feel comfortable sharing? People tend to take things for granted and we all intepret things wrongly. Perhaps I haven’t been standing up for myself. Silently letting things pass and accepting the blame when I’ve done absolutely no wrong. Confrontations have never been a habit or way of life for me. It always comes to mind but never carried out. (No guts) I suppose if I really cared or were comfortable I’d do so. Maybe it’s time to put the days of dropping of hints and bouts of anger in solitude and time taken overcoming whatever dazzled my sensitive nerves over.

Darn I’m unfit I just died running a little. Hah. Never was cut out for long distances anyway and the pain in the knee is coming back quite badly. The days of running every single day are over. Thank goodness though. I’m kinda horrified at how unhealthy and sick I was then. At least I had such a determined mind – and it’s a good hurdle to have overcome. What the hell was I thinking or doing really….

Help, I’m alive. My heart keeps beating like a hammer.