Isolated thoughts

Month: October, 2014

Anti-social

I need time alone. To think and to reflect. Maybe to have another mental breakdown because its too stressful to interact pleasantly with others. It’s like living in a little shell, the world going on around you whilst you become absorbed in the work. The drudgery continues. So do the cogs in the mind. Grinding away with no rest.

In phases of weakness I reflect and think and feel like sobbing for everything that has been done for me. I cannot let myself down by not being the best that I can be. I was raised better than this. Grades do not define me but I define success as excelling. The results do not matter, the process does. I’ve done this once and I’ll do this again. I’ll give this my best shot and then at least I can rest with no bloody regrets.

I really really hope that your irrevocable love is worth me.

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Abjectness

I couldn’t fathom the power of words. This is a good wake up call – to be concise, direct and more aware. Not to ramble and lose coherence. To analyse and really take some time to do some research.

Then again I do have other opinions.

It’s scary how the world functions. Is there no hope in an innocent and peaceful coexistence? To be honest, there isn’t. People would always pick their battles. Some are more fortunate to have made it thus far unscathed. Survival is hard. But should you compromise on certain morals to achieve a goal?

I felt so devoid of hope and I’ve never thought of seeking sanctuary so badly. I wanted out. Wanted to run away, to forget about all social convention because it didn’t matter anyway, that I was screwed for life. That utter desperation and abjectness despite the good that happened in the past few days was horrendous – not like we didn’t have bigger worries to face. I suppose that the only thing that I really desire is to be forgotten and to get away. It’s funny how I can’t wait for all this to be over because it’ll never blow over. Impressions would always stay and it’s hard being so sensitive and to over think. Despite the usual over exaggeration that is thought to come with it it truly shocks and frightens you – of what could be done and how desolate and dull your prospects can be.

I just want out. To get away from this damn place. To go home and be able to cry freely because no one can understand what I feel now. Learning that any mistake is never truly forgotten and always drawing the shorter bone. My only safe haven where I can fumble yet be picked up does not exist. Perhaps it can only exist in my mind. I cannot wait for the rest of my life to begin.

Because we always need a reminder. One that I’m so thankful for.