Isolated thoughts

Month: November, 2014

Freedom

I thought that this post A’s would be enjoyable. But when I think back I’m wrecked with insecurities and what ifs. What if I’m not good enough? What if I down’t truly put in my best effort? What if I fail?

And why has my life become so fraught with such feelings and a lack of meaning?

Growing up is so exhausting. Sometimes I wonder what truly is the meaning of living. What do we live for?

Then I open my eyes and see how damn blessed I am and it keeps me going on.

Indulge in your own indiosyncrasies. You are what you are. No one can change that.

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Fear

I’m terrified of becoming as dysfunctional, crass and rigid as you two.

Sure, I’m grateful. But not in this aspect. The inadequacy kills.

We are humans after all. Maybe this is just me being ungrateful and idealistic.

Rambles

You are not a loser.
You are not out of this race yet.
You are not defined by how well (/badly) you perform.
You have a lifetime ahead to make more mistakes.
But this is no excuse for not being the best that you can be.

Lost

The more you learn, the more you realise how little you know. This chase is endless. And I’m back in my field of nothingness.

Nothing is guaranteed. I hate the idea of getting a degree and setting out into the workforce next time. I’m bloody scared. I need balance. I need time. Above all, I need purpose. Which I’ve lost yet again.

Its wonderful having opportunities but its terrifying to realize that you have no idea what to do with your life. Hope that I’ll find my calling soon and that everything’ll work out.

Sidenote (recording what i felt about the papers this past week): mucked up paper 3 for bio which sucks because i really worked my ass off memorizing the facts which didnt come out at all damn it. Literature…I have no idea what’ll happen but will be keeping my fingers crossed! Tried my best, thats all we can do after all. Shall let Him do the rest 🙂 x

Future…?

I always wondered how I’d feel when the A levels finally arrive.

Well, geez. I didn’t feel like this exam determines my future at all. Instead, I was wondering what a waste it was to study something for 6 whole years (12 if you count the primary education received that built the foundation for this) that is over in a 3 hour examination. It felt so useless and meaningless – like all my effort was for naught. I learnt everything but only 20% to 50% of what I knew was probably applied in the test itself.

Now that the papers are over for my H1 subjects at the very least: I had the (un)fortunate circumstance of having my papers spaced over 3.5 weeks, I’m panicking over the H2s and realising how important they are. In the past week, I got GP, math and a biology paper done. Well, I’m confident of doing well for math at the very least – so that’s 10 rps. But I have a feeling that I’ve mucked up big time for GP which sucks really badly. Not to mention that I totally have no confidence in biology.

Its funny. We won’t fail but if we don’t perform well enough we won’t even have the opportunity to enter the course that we desire. There’s literature and biology this week that pretty much seals my fate for two out of three of my H2s. Chemistry is next week. Its not in my favour by what the heck, I’ll give this the best shot that I have.

Screw expectations. This is reality.