Isolated thoughts

Month: December, 2014

2014

The year has snowballed into a utter mess. Started badly, on the wrong foot, and it seems like the bad is just accumulating now so here’s to ending this year on a horrible note.

2014 has been pretty crazy.

As the year has gone by, I feel like I’m about to burst from all the injustice and anger. My confidence is nearing zero, I’m so painfully stressed out in public. I can’t even face what I’m feeling at the moment.

I’ve a long way to go to get to a better place.

2015 will be my year.
Maybe this is all just wishful thinking.

Hazey lazey crazy

Its been a whirlwind 17 days (ok, slightly exaggerating here) but I’m so bloody happy to be home right now. I don’t think I’d want to travel for a good bit after all this shit. Perhaps the next time I’ll be completely and utterly alone when I do so.

Shiver me timber

image

Hiroshima > Osaka

Am I the only one who is fascinated by the shadows? I will continue this some other time.

So pathetic……so messed up. Juxtaposed against perfection. Is normal too much to ask for?

A woozy you, dopes up on a silky smooth perfume

My sleep cycle is terribly messed up. Ever since prom/pre-prom I’ve consistently been sleeping around 2-4am and hence waking at 9-11am. Yep, messed up. Today was no different. I woke and realised that I was going to be flying off to Japan. Time is flying by so quickly (too quickly). In a blink of an eye it’ll be March and I’ll find out about my grades. Then comes university applications (and hopefully a trip to Bangkok). And then school starts again.

Having wasted/in the process of wasting an entire month worth of time, I decided that I’ll work my ass off once I get back. I’m ecstatic that I’ve finally nailed a job. After 3 interviews only one option came through so far hahaha wow my interview skills are amazing. There is the potential for a total train wreck where various priorities pile up but I hope this all works out. I need to remember my prior commitments and finally get piano over and done with for one. Now’s not the time to neglect/slack off. I need this.

Hoping to enjoy Japan again. It’s probably the most visited country other than Malaysia. Travelling sucks though. We’re stopping over at HK and the flight to HK was such a horror I swear. The flight was literally filled with (to be really frank and mean/sorry but I’m just expressing my discontent & frustration) bawling children who couldn’t shut up since the damn boarding till landing. It’s a bloody public nuisance. Asked the mom and she said that she never had an issue travelling with me. Because I’m awesome (or just naturally quiet and shy).

It’s kinda silly but I’m developing a slight phobia of planes because of how sick I feel whenever I’m in one. Had the worst headache ever before on the flight back from Cambodia and that kinda ruined me because the pain then was unbearable. Ever since I’ve been getting headaches more often and it’s damn scary. No repeats, please.

To winter! Time to embrace the cold in approximately 5 hours time.

While my naked fool, fresh out of the icky gooey womb

I still carry the weight of all these regrets.

I would sincerely feel really worried and panicky if I don’t have a job by the time January rolls around. Had two interviews but have no idea what’s going to happen or if it’s going to be successful. On the bright side, the options are endless. Truly.

I tried to apply for a university today. Submitting an application early might sound really attractive, like getting a load off your shoulder. But I couldn’t do it. And you know why? Because I couldn’t bloody decide on a course to commit to. Ultimately, I would only be able to make a wise decision with my actual results. Not some fluke during the prelims that assure me nothing. Not extrapolated expected grades. I need to know what I am good at, what I am passionate about. But I have no damn idea. Should I be practical? Am I capable of obtaining those grades? I don’t know. Will I love the course? Will the university life suit me? No bloody idea.

Not only am I struggling with these woes. This might seem silly but I struggle with so many other things. Of course it’s only normal/natural to do so.
Feeling suffocated by the coats of paint on my stubby little nails.

Prom was better than I expected. The dress was a complete disappointment – ill fitting, too long and the list goes on. Made it through though, and to think about it, no one would give a damn after a while anyway. Makeup and dressing up just stresses me out so badly thank goodness its once in a lifetime. This is the end of 6 years of my life. Probably the most bittersweet time ever. But hey, on to greater heights we go. (Or in my case, maybe not.)

It’s a period of independence – or pseudo-independence at the very least. I need to find my feet and start stumbling along for the next few years. Find yourself. Grow a backbone. Use that brain.

I am so happy that I’m supported in whatever I do. A little circle, a little bubble, but one filled with unconditional love and acceptance. Since when have I gotten so lucky? Or maybe I was too lost and self-centered that I was blind to all around me. Thank you so very much.

Ever feel so small and insignificant? Try looking into the sky sometime. The clouds are dwarfed by the majesty of the sky. In the end, earth is a mere star in the universe. This is not the end. Press on.

Now its all just hazy

I have an interview tomorrow morning yet I can’t seem to fall asleep. Not that that’s a surprise because I’ve probably screwed my sleep cycle over with the insomnia and obsession with reading.

Fear holds me back so much. I’m a coward. It creeps up on me subconciously and it hinders so badly. I fear affection, expressions of love and care because of the sanctity of commitment. I fear the unknown, strangers and the dangers that I imagine they threaten me with. I fear failure and fear the pain required for success. I fear expressing myself honestly but even if I did try I can’t because I have no burning opinions. What more is there that I fear? I fear living in a world where I can’t even feel safe in my own skin.

But fear isn’t the end of the road. Fear keeps you alive. It’s life.

I need to stop reading happily ever afters. Desperately need to get my head out of the ground if I am to function like a normal person. Escapism is a mere excuse for wasting this time. Sure, its relaxing and so damn enjoyable. But there are things I need to do; I need to continue building up this story and doing all the shit I can to make it a damn good one. Fantasizing and anticipating happy endings has led me so jaded. Such a romanticized notion with unrealistic expectations. Maybe if I opened my eyes and paid attention to my surroundings…

Back to reality. Flouting the rules on dresscodes but here goes nothing. What’s life without taking risks. Besides, there is good in whatever is done. I’ve time. It might seem like a waste of time to travel for such a long period thinking about the work sacrificed. On the bright side, I’ve the time to wait for the verdict. If it calls through, its fine. There are so many other fish in the sea. Hopefully I wake up in time though hahaha I’ve become too pampered with macdonald breakfasts these days. What is prom when you can scarf down food like nobody’s business and nurse food babies? Might even be buffeting tomorrow so there goes whatever weight loss/work out regime. At the very worst I’ll get fit after Japan. There are a million reasons why spending time working out is better than the other options i have.

Eyes on the prize, though. I need to sign up for driving/make sure i pass my damn piano exam and end it once and for all. Its time to get back to work once I get home on xmas.

Got myself a new wallet today (after using a cheap ass one for over half a year) and I’m overjoyed (lol). Treated myself to my very first eu de toilette too. Need to watch out for my bank account though, I have a feeling that its just steadily going down the drain.

Liberated. Or not.