Now its all just hazy
by Jolyn Low
I have an interview tomorrow morning yet I can’t seem to fall asleep. Not that that’s a surprise because I’ve probably screwed my sleep cycle over with the insomnia and obsession with reading.
Fear holds me back so much. I’m a coward. It creeps up on me subconciously and it hinders so badly. I fear affection, expressions of love and care because of the sanctity of commitment. I fear the unknown, strangers and the dangers that I imagine they threaten me with. I fear failure and fear the pain required for success. I fear expressing myself honestly but even if I did try I can’t because I have no burning opinions. What more is there that I fear? I fear living in a world where I can’t even feel safe in my own skin.
But fear isn’t the end of the road. Fear keeps you alive. It’s life.
I need to stop reading happily ever afters. Desperately need to get my head out of the ground if I am to function like a normal person. Escapism is a mere excuse for wasting this time. Sure, its relaxing and so damn enjoyable. But there are things I need to do; I need to continue building up this story and doing all the shit I can to make it a damn good one. Fantasizing and anticipating happy endings has led me so jaded. Such a romanticized notion with unrealistic expectations. Maybe if I opened my eyes and paid attention to my surroundings…
Back to reality. Flouting the rules on dresscodes but here goes nothing. What’s life without taking risks. Besides, there is good in whatever is done. I’ve time. It might seem like a waste of time to travel for such a long period thinking about the work sacrificed. On the bright side, I’ve the time to wait for the verdict. If it calls through, its fine. There are so many other fish in the sea. Hopefully I wake up in time though hahaha I’ve become too pampered with macdonald breakfasts these days. What is prom when you can scarf down food like nobody’s business and nurse food babies? Might even be buffeting tomorrow so there goes whatever weight loss/work out regime. At the very worst I’ll get fit after Japan. There are a million reasons why spending time working out is better than the other options i have.
Eyes on the prize, though. I need to sign up for driving/make sure i pass my damn piano exam and end it once and for all. Its time to get back to work once I get home on xmas.
Got myself a new wallet today (after using a cheap ass one for over half a year) and I’m overjoyed (lol). Treated myself to my very first eu de toilette too. Need to watch out for my bank account though, I have a feeling that its just steadily going down the drain.
Liberated. Or not.