While my naked fool, fresh out of the icky gooey womb

by Jolyn Low

I still carry the weight of all these regrets.

I would sincerely feel really worried and panicky if I don’t have a job by the time January rolls around. Had two interviews but have no idea what’s going to happen or if it’s going to be successful. On the bright side, the options are endless. Truly.

I tried to apply for a university today. Submitting an application early might sound really attractive, like getting a load off your shoulder. But I couldn’t do it. And you know why? Because I couldn’t bloody decide on a course to commit to. Ultimately, I would only be able to make a wise decision with my actual results. Not some fluke during the prelims that assure me nothing. Not extrapolated expected grades. I need to know what I am good at, what I am passionate about. But I have no damn idea. Should I be practical? Am I capable of obtaining those grades? I don’t know. Will I love the course? Will the university life suit me? No bloody idea.

Not only am I struggling with these woes. This might seem silly but I struggle with so many other things. Of course it’s only normal/natural to do so.
Feeling suffocated by the coats of paint on my stubby little nails.

Prom was better than I expected. The dress was a complete disappointment – ill fitting, too long and the list goes on. Made it through though, and to think about it, no one would give a damn after a while anyway. Makeup and dressing up just stresses me out so badly thank goodness its once in a lifetime. This is the end of 6 years of my life. Probably the most bittersweet time ever. But hey, on to greater heights we go. (Or in my case, maybe not.)

It’s a period of independence – or pseudo-independence at the very least. I need to find my feet and start stumbling along for the next few years. Find yourself. Grow a backbone. Use that brain.

I am so happy that I’m supported in whatever I do. A little circle, a little bubble, but one filled with unconditional love and acceptance. Since when have I gotten so lucky? Or maybe I was too lost and self-centered that I was blind to all around me. Thank you so very much.

Ever feel so small and insignificant? Try looking into the sky sometime. The clouds are dwarfed by the majesty of the sky. In the end, earth is a mere star in the universe. This is not the end. Press on.

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