Isolated thoughts

Month: March, 2015

Dead lines

I’m being a huge screw up as per normal. I’m pushing the datelines for so many things I don’t even know why I bother applying for all this shit anymore if I get no replies. Forget about scholarships I can’t even be bothered to write why I deserve it because I probably don’t in everyone’s eyes. Bad time management killing me again hooray.

I really don’t know if this is worth the shot ugh feeling all stressed out because I have a damn piano exam next week which I’m not prepared for and might fail for the third time straight. I’m prepared to quit because I just cmi at some things I’m sorry it’ll be a miracle if I pass. Despite the unemployment there is always so much shit to be done which makes it impossible to savour and relax. There’s also BTT the day before piano which I have yet to study for how I winged the evaluation on 5 hours is of sleep I have no idea. I should probably have been using my time more wisely building up portfolio or some crap but with so many issues how the hell am I going to do that? Add on the stress and anxiety over shortlisting for the courses that I want and require aptitude tests which are out of my control and I’m quite screwed over. Need to read up on the subjects too to prepare for interview ugh cortisol levels rising majorly like a dam about to spill this train wreck is killing me. And then there’s the what ifs. What if I don’t get shortlisted? This is all within the following 3 weeks please let me get through this. It’ll end on the 18th but I’m so so stressed out because of how much I want to do well.

Not to mention the anxiety waiting for the call backs for scholarship applications out of 3 only 1 has responded and I’ve no idea what to do omg. Might need a portfolio but no time for that either ugh but I’ll have to work something out.

I’m ranting and I’m probably being annoying as hell (sorry) but I really need to get this off my chest. I feel horrible and that’s all I can say.

“You should know where I’m coming from”

Sometimes, I search for random songs online. Stumbling across something that is so relatable and right is like coming across a jackpot. I find that when I go for too long without music (maybe 2 days?) I have the urge to just turn it on. It’s a coping mechanism. Since last year, I’ve pretty much had the same music grounding me. I’ve found 3 mainstays. Blue, psychedelic and that which speaks to me. Seems like I’ve found yet another. Pop comes and goes, but these appeal to the soul.

Opinions are cheap but here’s my say anyway. These mean nothing in the long run and all it has done is more damage and harm. Comparisons are never ending and often cruel. Sadly, this burning rage seems to only be fuelled. This was not how I intended to feel. But this is reality, and dreams have to be built. So many walls and barriers to overcome. But all the more important to keep striving and never let idiots get you down.

This is my life. I’m not inferior to any other. Not because of my background, my genes, nor my education. My education is what I make of it. And its a poor indicator of a man. Scoff all you like, but think about it. Have you done something meaningful in your life? Is work really that important to you? What is family?

So long as I keep my head screwed on the right way and live a life I can be proud of, I have nothing to fear. Death can come any time, and I hope that I would be able to welcome it, knowing that I have run a good race through my life.

Feeling the Heat

Sometimes I go “oh, screw it” and just want to rebel. I suppose that this is one of those moments. There is this desperate need to push harder and to go beyond again. I’ve probably never felt as deliriously determined about anything ever before. It’s like jumping into a rat race to hell. I keep thinking of uprooting and becoming independent. There is a semi-coherent 15 year plan in my mind now. It is one where I wean off and go on alone. I’m really unsure which path I’ll end up taking though. There are three main diverging pathways ahead of me. One already set but unwanted, another a faint shot in the dark, and the last another muddy path. I’m striving for the latter two but only time will tell.

Thank goodness I returned the missed calls.

Tripping Over

One more essay and I’m done with this shit! I’m kinda worried because I haven’t received any replies yet. Looking back on my essays they are horrendous and so idealistic fml.

Flying off in 12 hours yay Bangkok here I come. Have spent the past two days lazing about and tinkling the ivory keys. Realised I’m too impatient and bull headed in putting my own spin to the pieces. Clash of feeling and expression…what can I say.

Ready to kick back and relax hell yeah before coming back and being serious again. I really need to get my shit together for piano by the end of this month. Got new books from Malaysia so I can’t complain I’ve so many to read now I’m excited! Some classics and other more contemporary selections on the kindle. It’s kinda funny how I only purchase classics. I suppose some things are just timeless, aren’t they. Bronte awaits!

I really feel like backpacking across the region before heading off to uni. Like just meandering my way through, with few worries and at my own time and pace. Not very sure how that’ll work out but I hope that it comes through! I’m looking forward to May though. A month where I have no commitments at all and is probably the most free so far. Those six weeks between tests and interviews till the decision day will be stressful but I hope that it’s all worth it. Should take this last chance to relax anyway.

My pay has arrived and I’m ridiculously happy about it. Ultimately it’s not much but it’s a wonder how much money one can save when they spend all day lazing at home and leeching off home.

Praying for a safe and enjoyable journey ahead.

Overly active imagination

The sparks of inspiration are rare to come by…and suddenly I’m really inspired to write. I recall having brilliant moments where I decide to capitalise on a certain social phenomena or personal happening that I thought I could incorporate into the story. Sadly, it seems as though I’ve forgotten it all again.

Heading back tomorrow is rather nostalgic. In the years before, I’d always spend this day stuck in the most awful traffic ever (or so I perceive) – taking up to 5 hours to clear immigrations because of the holiday rush. Well, seems like we’re doing it again but without the ire and irksomeness of knowing that one has school to attend to the next morning. Instead, I’m determined to be hitting those keys with my spastic fingers for all I’m worth.

Watched insurgent yesterday and it was a good refresher although some scenes were cut off. I mean, couldn’t they have left it in but boosted up the appropriate audience age? But then again, there’s nothing really wrong with how its going down right now either I’m kinda glad I didn’t see it. It’s difficult to garner the appropriate respect for work when it’s riddled and run so heavily on such a topic.

I’ve finished this series on wattpad just…reading through it from the first book to the current uncompleted one. It’s been a year since I’ve first started reading it. I didn’t have very high expectations for it – it’s not perfectly written. There are loopholes, errors, and certain logical blackholes but it’s so charming. I see the parallels with another though. But it’s very much a buildungsroman. The main character grows so much. It is currently incomplete, at one of the last chapters when there is supposed to be a final battle taking place. I feel very bereft yet very glad that I decided to read it all again. These 12 hours have been amazing, immersed in this little fantasy and messing up my mind trying to think of the theory and resolution. I suppose I’m going to have to wait up to maybe another twelve months for the last few chapters to come up. It’s excruciating but I understand why. (Will probably bawl my eyes out in the final battle scene – I sense a plot twist and will be sobbing through the happy ending although I theorize that she will eventually live and he will forgive her and all is well because you do not screw up a happy ending. Okay I am idealistic. Alternatively, she may die and I will still cry because she is so noble and I feel like I can relate to her so well as she’s in my age range. In fact, the couple might die so boo hoo. But then my theory stands that the prophecy was meant for someone else – maybe their kid. Which means the cycle begins again which is so unlikely but makes sense too in a way!) Pity the spectator who goes insane with imagination.

I’m really damn tired I hate travelling by car. I wish I could teleport…like the stories…But fat hope I live in reality.

Spring Tripping

Set off for KL this morning after a worrisome night but all is well. Am cutting it real close with the piano practicing – I’ve only 12 days to get my shit together before the exam wtf! Better finish up and be fluent by the 31st because once shortlisting for courses begins I’ll be stressed as hell again.

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Breakfast all day every day. But this is so stupid they placed the two egg sunny side up right smack at the bottom of the pile so one yolk burst and you can see the other miraculously withstanding the pressure. It was really sub par although the name of the shop was real creative.

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View from the club lounge he he he. The Sheraton is kinda located at a semi remote area compared to what I’m used to. It’s an older hotel – I remember staying in the exact same room years ago but during recent visits we always stayed at the Westin which was conveniently located near the major mall. But the design and the furnishings are so grand yet rustic. It’s old but it looks good as it ages because it’s kinda old fashioned and classically designed. Have access to the club lounge and had TWG/wine. Internet access is really convenient and fast too! Usually I find that higher end hotels tend to be more stingy with wifi but apparently this ain’t the case here.

And the toilet is huge wtf the size of the shower is as large as a toilet at home omg. Like imagine a large bathtub, a huge mirror placed on the wall and a standing shower space larger than the tub – with two showers omg.

Ok I am very fortunate and very blessed time to work hard.

My monthly goal of April:
1. Pass my grade 8 once and for all
2. Pass BTT and start practical yay!!!
3. Ace all the tests and interviews I’m shortlisted for
4. Find another job (LOL) am enjoying my interim unemployment for approximately a month though!

In the mean time, need to write three more essays. And I think I need to spend a day thinking in a cafe on what to do really…what if I fail for my first choice…and what will I fall back on. I really feel very unprepared and overwhelmed the further I get in. I suppose I have dug myself a really deep hole not thinking about the future. But really…I don’t know what the hell is going on.

All routes are difficult. But I really just desire two. It’ll be tough, but I know that either way, I’d like it and revel in it because finally, I’ve done it. 

Uneventful Updates

It’s picture time!

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Mhmmm preach.

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Okay so I like chick lit, sue me. I prefer those that are more of an adventure though. The candle light and candle (fluffy towels) were a gift from “the best brother ever” on the day of results. So touched and probably should be more appreciative. It’s a really good lightning alternative when I’m lazing away on my bed reading/watching videos to be honest. Since the room lights are terribly glaring.

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$1 caramel macchiato yay for credit card offers. I refuse to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a drink no thank you. The only time I use my card is probably when there’s one for one offers and during the birthday month.

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The dog before shave.

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Stormy…like how I feel inside.

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So I slept under the table for two nights at the office. On the dirty cold hard ground…OHHH (cue taylor swift). Ended work on Friday and I’m a damn happy child I disliked it so much. Living the unemployed life till April 20 because uni/BTT/piano grade 8 takes precedence. Plus I’m travelling so no point in working yet.

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Indoor campfire LOL.

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Pizza + gross drink

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SLEEPOVARRRR AFTER CAMP/END OF WORK YAY.

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Meow fat cat.

Sent in applications and I’m determined to get into my first choice this time. It’s gonna be tough but it’s all down to the tests + interviews. I guess despite all the hard work and practice, it’s not going to be up to me anymore. I guess He will show me the way. To be in dept and live a more difficult life/an easier one?

People don’t really understand I guess. And they assume and take things for granted. I really hope that things turn out for the best. But there’s no way I’m gonna let someone else pay for my school fees anymore. (Okay maybe a little…But I’ll repay them.)

Amen

Reflecting makes me feel like I’m ripping my soul apart piece by piece. And the more I examine it, the less I find. I’m empty inside. (This makes me think of Voldermort lol.) How does one find their calling in life?

Let me survive these last 3 days of camp and hopefully churn out something great. Writing skills are diminishing by the day and I’m ultimately an undeserving small fry.

Gunning it down

The rebel in me remains.

I’m applying now when applications are clearly over but this is a once in a lifetime chance. The only problem is that of churning out all the essays before the datelines (which are so confusing) how is there a dateline tonight when it clearly states that it closes two weeks after the release of results? Someone tell me why.

I think I need to edit two essays and draft up two more. And thats the minimal number. I’ve already decided to cut down on about four others so thats a sacrifice I’ve got to make. Another is that of what to put as my first choice for courses especially for NUS. I think if I get a scholarship there’s no point in getting a local one – go big or go home, eh?

The adrenaline rush is making me so excited and optimistic its ridiculous because I’ve honestly chosen an extremely dangerous path. Who knows if I’d even get a offer? More so, if I’m scholarship material? I struggled so badly crafting the essay today as compared to the other one. Another fear is that of the offers coming in at the wrong times. I can’t possibly hold onto a place forever. Eventually, I’d have to decide, don’t I?

Just hoping and praying for the best.

The high life

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This week has been surreal.

And my life is a dysfunctional joke, as always.

“You shouldn’t apply for that course with your grades.”
“Don’t waste your first choice on that course.”

Well not everyone wants to be puppeteered and live out the adult dream. What if I waste 4 years struggling with something I dislike?

Sometimes I wish didn’t have these grades because all it gives me is a pile of regret and pressure to excel. And a lot of false hope because grades mean nothing in the big picture.