Isolated thoughts

Month: April, 2015

Dirt on my shoes

Recently, I’ve started on a new job (o wow what a surprise the pampered brat is working in customer service?!). Yes, yes I am. It’s a pretty fun job to be honest. Tough, but undoubtedly better than sitting in front of a computer and surfing the web waiting for 1.30pm to come around.

I’m sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus and the breeze is blowing. The leaves falling in the splendour of the morning sunshine makes it a really beautiful sight. I’m blessed to be living here. The sight of my bus coming down the road is a welcome sight as well ha.

The great thing about working nearby is that travelling time is cut down so much. For someone who hates travelling for more than an hour it’s a great thing. Sure, the hourly pay may be a dollar or two less but hey it balances out. Not to mention I’ve got a new assignment so I’m quite satisfied. I enjoy teaching, but I prefer one to one rather than a huge class. Makes things easier and more tailored to the individual child. Hope that this works out well!

I really enjoy my life now. Have yet another interview next Monday. It’s the absolute last one of all for university and I really hope that I do well. May take a bit of time off to think and prepare although I’m pretty lost to be honest. It’ll be worth it. It will be.

I’m really satisfied now. I have my moments of darkness. But when the light comes back, the trade off is more than worth it.

Fool’s gold

Today, I had my braces taken off after 3 and a half years. It feels damn strange to smile and not have the wires rubbing against my lips, the middle of my teeth seeing the light again. After eating, moving my tongue around in an attempt to remove unsightly food (gasp) is pretty much history and is now a habit that I want to kick to the curb. My teeth feel squeaky clean as hell, and it feels great to be free.

Other than this morning adventure, I’ve spent my day reading the Game of Thrones. It just sucked me in and although I’m reading at a pretty slow pace – only about 300 pages today, it’s a lot to absorb. It’s so engaging. I can’t wait to unravel more of the mystery as I go along. Probably the most interesting thing that I’ve gleaned is the crazy wide range of reception the characters have. Ned Stark is a respectable man, who seems to be sensible, and morally upright. Yet the stark difference (ha ha I’m so punny) in the way that he is perceived across the sea reminds one that he isn’t perfect. I feel like he’s a tragic hero in a sense. No matter how hard he tries, he’s bound to fail. A sad reflection of reality at times.

Tyrion Lannister is hilarious though. I found myself laughing at the fighting scene on the way towards the Eyrie…is this spelt right? He’s quite the relatable character. Not altogether a goody two shoes, but an appealing character that blurs boundaries and one that you never know what to expect from.

Such a plethora of characters to love, hate, and grow with. Being me I struggle with the names at times due to the number of characters and the various names some individuals go by. Other than that, a thrilling read. I admire writers who craft such complete fantasy worlds. They just suck one in and it’s as though reality is suspended for the time being. Like Narnia…geez.

Got a call and it’s like a god send. I honestly thought that I had no chance…guess what, it’s here and I better get a grip and show them what I’ve got.

Falling ill from the flu. Please let me survive the 11 hours tomorrow – it’s gonna be hell. Maybe I just dislike working.

Hi….hello….

I’ve been drafting quite a few posts over the course of the week but just never went around finishing it. Hence the lack of updates.

Something has been bothering me. The incessant worry about finances has been weighing me down immensely. With university coming up, driving and plain living, money comes into play. Today, I was quite horrified to realize that I’ve spent around $1200 on my driving lessons thus far, especially when that includes only the theory and 14 practical lessons. It seems like an insane expense now compared to a riding license. A luxury and impractical piece of paper that I cannot afford.

I suppose that that’s the challenge: to make every moment worth it. I’m sacrificing time at work for more time for myself. More time to plan and decide on which route to take. Of course, things are never entirely smooth sailing. However, nothing can be achieved by complacency and a lack of drive.

The next two weeks are going to be quite the slog at work – pulling 11 hour shifts and juggling the shit that happens. Hope that it goes well and that this new deal goes through.

Its a tough path, but one with the right support and hard work can possibly work.

At the end of the day

I’ve been pretty down in the dumps for these past few days. Been facing a lot of rejection and I’m riddled in self-doubt and disappointment. I’ve gotten rejected for literally 3/5 of the things that I’ve applied to. Be it courses, or scholarships. And guess what – the feeling really sucks. It sucks because I feel the need to do better, to take on a load of responsiblities and to make people proud. I have expectations of myself. Falling short of them is devastating especially when insecurities tend to blind me. I have this warped idea that this is all I have to offer and hence I must excel in this realm to be happy and successful. I’ve been looking down the wrong cliff, I realise.

Today, I sat for the interview and test. And to put things simply, it felt damn right. I wasn’t freaking out for once and the ideas were all there. I’d thought of all these things before. The poem was probably the cherry topping it all off. I made a pretty simple model: red boxes representing the blocks, a black flat plane representing the space, and some detailing in white and in the form of sticks. It looked quite basic but I knew what I was making, which made things pretty easy to explain.

After the hour was up, it was interview time. Thank goodness I walked in early because I was immediately whisked off for mine. It started with explaining the model which I think I blabbered a lot about, going in detail and glossing over some others. At least I got my point across because the interviewers understood and got the gist of it. Was asked to show my portfolio which I sheepishly flipped through, showing some recent sketches and old ones I did in art class. They were like “oh, the Joker!”

After this I think I was asked if I travelled and what was a place that I liked. I said that I liked Japan because of its infrastructure and sleek designs, as well as the connectivity. They asked for more specifics so I said that I liked Hiroshima especially because of the preservation alongside the modern. Something along those lines.

Then they asked if you were an architect, what would be your dream? So I just told them that it would be to build a house entirely based on what I liked. They probed and asked me to delve in further so I said that I envisioned it to be in a forest (lol) probably not in Singapore but they were very encouraging and told me to go on. So I said that I would want a feature glass wall and talked about why I wanted it, with wood finishings. And that it probably has to be in an isolated place because if not I won’t have any privacy (lol).

“Your ideas involve a lot of nature and openness, can you share why is this so?” So I talked about my upbringing and the social benefits of this although I didn’t really go in detail. And I said that I didn’t like being in a concrete jungle.

Because of this, they asked me what I thought of Singapore in general and I struggled a little with this one. Can’t really remember what I said.

After this they suddenly asked me what were 5 alternative ways to use a paper clip for. I kinda expected such a question but didn’t prepare so I took quite some time to think. I said it could be used to make a sculpture, as a hook, a room divider, a weapon (the response was wow that’s vicious) and as a clothing accessory. The interviewer asked “like using it as a earring” and I was like “maybe not that” and they started laughing. So I’ll take that as a good sign?

The interview ended shortly after that like they literally went “thank you” and smiled out of the blue. It was pretty fast – 15 minutes. But it didn’t feel like that at all. I was skipping out of the room and all smiles because I was in my happy little place. The interview honestly felt more like a conversation more than an interview with my monologue on my ideas. I’m not very sure how it will turn out but I’m satisfied. Really satisfied. That I’ve found what I wanted to do.

There were some casual questions like “you were a science student, right?” and “what school were you from” but overall my interviewers were really friendly and I was really at ease. I hope that I’d left a good impression. I think partially why I was so relaxed it was because I had no one to impress and I was just doing what I wanted to do. Praying and hoping for an offer now. Today has reaffirmed my decision and choice.

This might not be the most “prestigious” or “meaningful” course. And some might think that “it’s a waste of your grades”. But it looks like it’s the course for me. At least, I hope that it’ll be.

All that’s left is the wait for the letter. Please bear good news. I can’t wait.

Fine by me

Everything is going pretty smoothly (for now) except for the fact that I don’t have a portfolio to present this coming Saturday. It’s pretty messed up but I’m hoping to complete at least 5 pieces. I did have a few spurts of motivation and inspiration when something just materialised.

I’ve kinda forgotten how to be around people in my few weeks of hermit life (aka slothing around the house).

Friday was pretty alright. Went for the interview and after the hellos and good mornings the interviewers dropped the bomb. “Can you explain to us why you chose your courses the way you did?” And I totally didn’t understand them because they phrased it differently so I was like “whut” for about half a minute before blabbering. Was asked about leadership and about my take on a current global event too but I can’t seem to remember what else they asked me. I then went on to talk about a local event regarding depression and insurance and got pretty passionate about it and it ended with the professor concluding “that’s what they do in actuarial science”. Got asked about what else I applied for in other unis and got questioned how I was going to make a decision so I told them that it would be really difficult since I see the merits of all the courses I applied for and would leave it to be  faced in May. I don’t think they were overtly impressed but my interview did take quite a different route from what I thought it would.

So what came after Friday? I have two tests and interviews this week for dentistry and architecture and it’s pretty damn terrifying. If I end up being unsuitable for the course I’d understand. Need to spend some time reflecting and coming up with better pieces. At the same time, am trying to enjoy myself for this last two weeks of freedom before my new job begins and the wait for results becomes even more excruiciating. May will kill me.

Had a good night out on Saturday. Tried whisky which actually tasted pretty good – like cough medicine mixed with sugar. I think I’m semi-insulting the taste here but that’s what I thought it tasted like. Cool. I’ve been limited to wine, champagne and beer (which I personally dislike but if it’s the good kind then I’m fine) so far, trying only rum but I hated it. I think the triple sec in the cocktails I’ve had was pretty alright as well.

I should really start hardcore studying, reflecting and practicing.

One final try

Tomorrow will mark the end of this horrible week. Perhaps it isn’t so bad. I got to catch up with a couple of people and got my pdl. Walked out of the examination room in tears again because I just suck so badly at the piano. The examiner was really nice though…and aural was a breeze for once. Praying that my score improves at the very least if not I’m going to be really disappointed in myself. (Like I’m ever really pleased with myself either)

If I get offered what I want tomorrow I’m going to be in such a dilemma. Heading off for a job interview later ugh I never want to leave my bed.

Hell yeah got the job. It’s not perfect – I was dying from the stench of dog diarrhoea whilst waiting but it’s pretty cool and the boss seems great as well. May – July is fixed then. But seems like I’ve still got a couple of weeks of April to burn.

When I walked out of the clinic, I was pretty damn happy because I got the job. Then I checked my phone and got the text. And I was so ecstatic throughout the ride home and started getting all my documents ready. Then after a couple of hours of slacking, I got another text! My wait is over and I’m so happy today has got to be one of the best days ever. Nothing is set in stone but at least something is happening. The first week of May…that’ll be the week if revelation.

In the mean time, rushing to come up with something because it seems like the test has changed. Darn it. Next week is going to be pretty nerve wrecking as well. But that’s when it really is going to count.

I hope I secure something tomorrow as well.

Week of trails

Monday – it’s over.

This was my first and probably my last scholarship assessment for an organization. I doubt that I’ll be called up again. I’m bracing myself for the rejection email that’ll probably reach me twice as fast if it ever arrives at all. It was an activities based assessment – being randomly grouped and tasked to complete a discussion. Looking back, it was alright. I didn’t have any difficulties interacting (oh, the horror) but I did mess up big time. There was a q&a after the presentation and I was totally silent. I knew that I should speak up and at least give some input but I had nothing useful to say at all because I just didn’t really know what to say…it wasn’t one of the issues that I really cared about. I find myself more passionate about alternative housing and more freedom…a more diverse and free market where there is a place for everyone. Seems as though family is the only place in this society.

I still find myself harbouring very different perspectives and thoughts. Having “novel” ideas. I don’t know but I just feel like I didn’t fit in because I wasn’t interested in the same things/in that particular debate. Like a circle when everyone else seems to be easily fitting into squares.

It makes me feel so horrid inside but I can’t change this. At least I’ve tried my best. There will always be another way.

Now all I want to do is to curl up into a ball in my dark corner and hide from the world. Too much damn interaction and socialising for the day, no thank you. Isolation fits me like a glove but hiding would mean death in this society.

Ah, society.

Induced

Problems with sleeping without a pillow:
– The nasty bed head when you wake up (I look like I’ve a bird’s nest on my head).

On the other hand, it really does something for the posture although it’s kinda useless at some points because I prefer to sleep on my side usually anyway.

Need to start exercising soon and work on my core and stamina. Can’t believe how much I’ve let myself go although it was kinda bound to happen. To better days beyond 18 april – getting into the course I like and finding a nice job to spend the rest of my holiday at (and hopefully save up enough for a camera + laptop).

[Update]
I’ve got a call and got shortlisted for the other scholarship (cue screaming). I’m kinda worried because it’s an activities based assessment though and I didn’t even go for the first round so I might be at a disadvantage because they don’t know anything about me yet? Networking/mingling is so scary ugh need to be more gutsy.

Please let it be okay.

Next week and the week after are going to be so busy. I’m having a probable total of 4 interviews and 4 tests it’s even more anxiety inducing than before. Be brave Jolyn, c’mon.

I need to study so much before I can go LOL.

I am so unprepared and prepared to flunk my life is a mess.

I’m getting extremely concerned over the lack of reply gosh.