Isolated thoughts

Month: May, 2015

Dreamscapes

The monsters are coming.

They are infectious, they kill. Small, but deadly. They can get anywhere, and once they get you, you’re gone. There won’t be any hope left. For you.

We left immediately. We ran in the frenzy, cut through the crazy traffic because it’s life and death; every man for himself. For us, it was every family for themselves.

Thankfully, we were all together at that time. I saw them coming. I saw the destruction. Felt the sheer panic, like an overdose of musky cologne choking one up, it’s tendrils wrapping around the throat and squeezing the life out.

We drove on. The town was up ahead. We were heading for our family friend’s apartment.

“You need to be ready for what’s ahead.”

“Where are you heading?”

“North. That’s where the infection hasn’t spread.”

“It’s cold. Take some change.”

We jumped back into the car and raced about the uphill neighbourhood. Whenever we met a dead end, panic shot through the veins. The place was deserted, empty semi-detached homes. Abandoned and ruined. Or maybe they’re just hiding, hoping that they’re not found. Impossible. We race up another path and thankfully hit another highway.

The forest was safer. The winding roads in the countryside meaning that we were further away from the destruction. We were high up on the hill. No one dared to look back. And no one dared to sleep. Forward was the way to go.

Far ahead, the border was approaching. The snow capped mountains a welcome sight. We were going to be safe from the infection at least for a while. A small town was up ahead. We raced towards it. Fear was never far from mind. I was prepared for one of those devils to appear and finally take us down. I was ready to face death. But not without putting up a fight.

We found the safe house, gathering our thoughts and preparing to flee yet again. Walking out felt naked. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as we ran about searching for a new ride. It was old and worn down, but it has to do.

I wonder how much further we’d have to go before we can stop. Would we make it to the north pole, to the ends of the earth before we finally escape? Where are all the rest?

In the meantime, the only thing I knew was that we had to run.

/

That was my dream last night (or early morning). It was so vibrant. I felt so alive. I’ve had two other dreams that have really stood out to me before but they’re messier and more difficult to pen down. One was quite romantic but the other was adventure packed. Living vicariously through my inner landscape.

Perhaps my dream is a reflection of my reality.

Frustration

Just can’t get a break.

Waiting for good news but will never be part of the few. Thrown a bait. And I still refuse to get a hold of it.

3 days to make my decision what in the world.

At least I’m spending good time with those close to heart. Problems of being an introvert – the necessary time alone to recharge.

I might just leave it to the last minute again. Geez.

Choked up

The irony of it all is that whilst I am a horribly introverted person, I’m taking a course that requires presentations and social interaction. I was supposed to attend this tea session thingum this afternoon, but am balking at the prospect of going. This is getting messy I’m allowing my social anxiety to get in the way of everything again. There’s this on-off switch in my head. When I have to (eg. Whilst working/when going for group interviews especially) I’ve been alright and sucked it up. But when it comes to such events I’m just so lost and afraid.

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When you get stuck at immigrations.

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And guess who’s going to Vietnam? Got some cash changed and can’t wait to visit Ha Long Bay. I can’t wait for June.

I’m trying to decide which university I should go to. I need financial stability and would like to experience hall life. But academic reputation and the different course attracts me as well. So many pros and cons for both. I just hope that I end up making the right decision in the end. And that things get better.

I’ve been holding back a lot. I’m not blind to all that happens around me. Is it normal to have so many burdens regarding the future? And is it possible for me to survive in this crazy world?

I have to make my decision by the end of next week. I can only hope that its the right choice for me.

The burden of being able to go anywhere: when you fail and fail yet again when you think you’re impervious and will be okay.

Better than that, better than that

Late night walks are becoming a habit these days. The days are just sometimes too packed that I’ve no time to unwind in peace. At times, I wish that I loved in a country with a cooler climate. Late night walks are best when slightly chilly. The lights were all out and the security guards were patrolling the grounds whilst I was roaming about with the dog. Suddenly, she took off and I had no idea which direction she went since it was a forked road. I recall seeing a little moving blob in the distance as the lady with the golden retriever pointed me in the right direction. I was starting to get worried. She was no where to be found. I’ve never walked her by this way either, and was terrified that she’d run out to the road. So I walked back towards the block praying that she got home safe. And she did. The silly girl was sitting in the middle of the lobby waiting for me. Thank goodness.

Yesterday was an eventful day. It passed by so quickly. I woke really early feeling like utter crap due to a lack of sleep. My body clock is seriously trying to kill me this time round. Got out for driving lessons – two back to back classes. So about 200 minutes of that. Christ, you may think that driving is easy but learning manual is tough. I’ve started on the roads (it was my second and third time respectively) and it’s extremely stressful. Changing gears when there’s a whole succession of traffic lights is horrible. But the good thing is that I’ve been driving around more and more places which is really fun. Singapore is extremely beautiful at times. Living in one of the less developed towns is quite frustrating at times due to accessibility issues. However, it is peaceful and provides a good break from concrete reality.

After the lessons, I headed for the train, going down to the alma mater to watch the finals. Sadly, had to head for tuition after. I was quite frustrated and I think that my tutees were quite tired as well. Had dad send me home because I was too damn exhausted. My legs were acting up once I got home and took a seat. My knees felt wobbly and my non-existent muscles felt so tensed up and burnt out.

Had another lesson today and I’ve finally passed my first stage of driving. On to the next stage! Spent my afternoon watching Running Man and reading Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman. Spent an hour drawing as well.

I’m going to work on another piece before I head to bed for a good rest. Am probably heading for the library tomorrow to borrow some books. We’ll see.

Of water sprites

It’s been an exhausting day. I woke up before my alarm (surprise…surprise) and laid in bed going through my subscription feed on YouTube as well as my emails. Procrastinated for a good hour before rolling out of bed and getting breakfast. Had a quick flip through the newspapers before quickly changing into formal wear and heading down for a 5 hour interview.

It was painful to say the least. Not in the emotional, psychological onslaught manner that panel interviews are like. This time, it was more from the sheer exhaustion derived from the numerous questions faced today. I’ve answered 400 questions about myself and my beliefs. Had a general knowledge quiz and a case study which little miss science student here has little to no idea about. Add in the stress of socializing and I’m dead beat.

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My happy “I survived another interview” face whilst cuddling the dog because I’m one lonely kid.

I don’t even know if I want to appeal anymore. Should I just go for this? For the money? For the joy and recklessness?

When we pulled up before the school, my dad was really upbeat comparative to the previous occasions. We were talking about how new the building looked amongst the cluster of industrial old ones and he sent me off pretty damn cheerfully with gusto. I’m really quite in love with the building. Reminds me that I’m at my mom’s alma mater. And that I should be damn grateful for everything that I have. I feel quite inspired but essentially lost as hell. This is normal…isn’t it?

I just don’t have the motivation to fight back anymore. Why bother cracking a hard head?

Tomorrow is going to be a good day, I hope. Prepared my materials tonight for the kids. I’m trying to think of a more interactive/fun way to teach classification to one of them. It’s quite frustrating how something that came so easily and was so common sensical is something that the later generation struggles with. In my case, I grew up reading animal encyclopedias and books so it was no problem. I just wonder how they ended up this way. How do they not understand/comprehend this? Then I look back and realise that I’m a good 10 years older and have been through much more. I should be more understanding and patient.

Christ, such a life in university seems so appealing and fun.

Pick me up

The feeling that’s coursing through my soul for the past 16 hours is amazing. I’m calm again. It’s tranquil and quiet. Might be the calm before the storm, but this brewing battle I can face now. I’m back. I feel like I lost myself to some sort of half coherent blubbering desperate person, which is true, but I’m out of that funk. Reality has set in, and I will give it my best damn shot. In no manner do I not deserve my place. I will make sure that I do everything I can to prove that. I deserve better. And I’m going to get it.

I literally love everyone who’s been giving me support. Was asked if I needed time off to work on my admissions but I told the boss that I didn’t need it. Keeping busy has kept my mind off things too well. I’m so thankful that I took up this job.

The next 10 days are going to be crucial. No time for messing around. Here’s to getting things straight and not getting fucked over. I refuse to get fucked over in such a pathetic manner anymore.

Wrecking ball

I don’t mean a wrecking ball like miley’s I mean a ball (imagine a great gilded hall type of ball) where one is emotionally wrecked – be it through epic humiliation or disappointment. Let’s think of it as a metaphor. It’s akin to moments whereby you fall headfirst down the tall stairs with everyone’s eyes on you. After landing unceremoniously in a ruffled heap, people start jeering and you feel so bewildered and embarrassed that you want to die. Instead of someone helping you up, the guy you’ve wanted to marry since you were 3 is snuggling up to this gorgeous creature with the boobs that you lack. Your heart dies. Your confidence is shattered. And you just want to die.

This is how I feel tonight. And have felt for the past two nights ever since that day. I’m a wreck. And I don’t know how to piece myself back together again. I’ve made so many bad decisions in the past few months that its hilarious, the state that its left me in.

Perhaps the worst thing is how much the self doubt is creeping in. It’s like a mist, fingers dancing around my throat, slowly getting tighter. It’s so hard to breathe. It’s so hard to live one week at a time, one day at a time, where there is absolutely no meaning because my life has none of it.

When I was walking towards the bus stop tonight after another long shift at work (whereby I fucked up big time again), this man was screaming at the other side of the canal. He was hysterical, having a melt down and literally shouting this sorrows out into the dark night. The people with him couldn’t stop it. They can’t. Because he’s had enough of whatever shit he’s been going through and that’s his breaking point. I was half way tempted to join him and scream my sorrows out as well. It did pop up that it changes nothing, and that life is forever unfair. To him, to me, and to everyone out there.

A lady was sobbing whilst looking out at the canal in the inky night. A picture of tragedy and sorrow, of loss and grief. I was empathetic, having lost as she had before. At that moment, I felt so insignificant and small yet again. It’s a vast world out there. I’m not yet even a speck in the galaxy.

It’s like a car crash occurring in slow motion. I see the terrible end, but I feel no pain for now. Because rejection is numbing me raw, hacking away slowly until I’m no longer alive.

If this is depression, then hello, old friend.

What it feels like

It feels like someone is playing a fucking game with me now. Maybe this is why I don’t believe in God, the root of why I have problems with faith. There’s this feeling that I’m always an insignificant, undeserving puppet being toyed with. Always inferior, and always taking the brunt of misery. Can’t I have a break? Can’t this God, if there is just grant me this one breakthrough? No, whatever being there is can’t. Because it’s a fucking joke to everyone else but me.

“Oh, you should’ve done that.”

Fuck that. Fuck. That. I’ve had enough of being put down and not having support. Nothing is ever good enough for you. All you care about is the long term investment. No one can empathize. It’s a black hole in here. And the amalgamation of anger, contempt and sadness is so difficult to deal with alone. I’m really not sorry for lashing out at assholes from now on (although I might be a major one but hey always hypocritical no, world?).

I feel like I’ve been fooled. Fucking stupidest 10 minutes of my life ever. Life goes on, and guess what, fuck them for making me feel like crap. I’ll rise again, just all you see.

My face is uglier than Kim Kardashian’s when I cry (lol).

Getting rid of social media

In the year 2013 (I think), I deleted Twitter.

Fast forward two years: I have recently deleted my instagram account and I’ve probably never felt better.

In a recent interview, I was questioned about my views on social media. In my reply, I told the interviewers that I did indeed have social media accounts. However, those accounts have been sitting there for months, even years, without any sharing on my part. This was because I felt that I had nothing meaningful to share. One of the panel was shocked at this, exclaiming “why? I have children, and they use it.” I had no answer other than the fact that I had nothing to share. Hence, I shrugged. That interview went horribly to say the least.

Social media was once something that I was extremely into. I remember the good old days of Facebook, where drama got kicked up for stupid reasons, and friends were made for no reason other than knowing each other’s existence. However, once I got to the age of 15, I lost interest in it, and moved on to the next thing – Twitter.

This went on in a cycle. From Facebook, to Twitter, and then to Instagram. At times, I remember wracking my brains thinking of something to put up because I felt pressurised to share my life. I wanted to “fit in” and to keep up with what was happening around me. Ultimately, as the years went by this desire to share dwindled as caution arose. More often than not, what happened in my head was not suitable for sharing. Also, I hated the indirect messages laced in some of the sharing. It started feeling stifling and counter productive to relationships in real life.

Instagram, I feel, was particularly more harmful in a sense that it is a platform where people literally only show their best sides. I’ve spent hours browsing random feeds because of how beautiful a complete stranger’s life seems to be. It doesn’t help that there are about a billion attractive people out there and I do enjoy appreciating such physical beauty. How dare I be so shallow…what blasphemy. It felt like a fake reality, a display of only the good and not the bad. At times, it created crazy ideas about what living should be like, and what beauty is.

Having gotten rid of social media except for Facebook, I feel so much better now. This feels like one less burden to carry, and it feels liberating because I’m no longer spending time on an app that never really benefited me anyway. Social suicide or not, I frankly can’t give two shits about it anymore. Moving on, I’m going to be clearing up my Facebook page. Maybe I’ll even create a new one.

This is just my take on social media and the lack of need for it in my life. Take note that this reticence and estrangement is probably considered as abnormal, and may largely stem from social anxiety. But hey, life’s too short to be wasted on such matters anyway. And if I wanted to know what was going on in someone’s life, I’d really rather ask them outright. I might go back one day. But for now, this feels great.

How has social media changed your life? Do you think that you can live without it?

Read: A Game of Thrones

During my recent trip to Bangkok, Thailand, I decided to browse through the Kinokuniya at Siam. It was a pretty random decision, but ended with a nice surprise. I’d always wanted to read and watch the Game of Thrones. It was partially due to the hype around it and a need to find something to read. I started watching the series last year, finishing 7 episodes of season 1 at a go because it just sucked me in despite knowing nuts about the story. Hence, at such an apt timing (having a long-ass break before university begins and the books being sold at a relatively cheaper price), I decided to start reading.

At first, I was confused as hell as the novel takes place on such a grand scale. The several different houses and the numerous characters associated with each intimidated me at first. It was reminiscent of a Dicken’s novel, with a whole boatload of characters that were all subtly linked. Likewise, George R.R. Martin slowly unravels the world where this game of thrones takes place, introducing characters and slowly uncovering old and newer plots in the tale. The changing perspectives in every chapter also aided the characterization of each character immensely, the numerous characters becoming more distinctive as the chapters go by. It also leads to an interesting way of uncovering what is going on and the various side’s perspectives. I would really like to have a chapter of what is going on in Cersei or Jaime’s mind though those twins are insane.

The one thing that I tried to probe but still cannot comprehend is about the desire for one to take the iron throne. Maybe its due to a personal reason but I don’t understand the lust for power and control. The entire land seems so divided and messed up to me that it makes no sense to be ruler of a kingdom. What good comes from that anyway? And it seems like a terrible sham. Comical even, when you think of how Robert was a lousy as hell king and Joffrey is this little boy sulking and playing games on the throne. What does it really mean to be king anyway?

It’s just the beginning of the series but it’s off to a flying start. I’ve no idea what’s going to be coming up next but I can’t wait. The unpredictability makes it an exciting read (or maybe I just have little to no foresight and can’t pick up foreshadowing well enough).