Isolated thoughts

Month: November, 2015

The end.

I’ve finally completed all 5 finals for 5 of my modules for the semester (thankfully, the other mod had continual assessment instead). It went pretty horribly because in the month before I’ve been distracted – my heart wasn’t in it, with work, and with applications for vet school.

Now that that period of my life is over, therein lies the agonising wait for replies. Of course, I sincerely hope that all of my applications are successful and that the door is opened for me. Just this week, one the schools extended the dateline for confirmation of my place, with another sending me a unconditional offer of place. There’s nothing wrong with these schools – I just have my eyes after another place.

It’s finally time to work on what I like to and to pursue my dreams. This one month holiday is currently looking like one of the busiest, most insane yet most fun and fulfilling one I’ve yet to have. If I leave, I really want to do so with no regrets; my dreams are worth pursuing.

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Headspace

I’m going to make this work.

Finals are in a couple days and I’m honestly so fucked over. Just “got” cash flows for accounting today (damn my anti-conformist soul) and its so painful reading the damn book. Fun fact of the week: Dad was trained in  accounting so yes, free tuition. I jest – I’ll only seek help when I really can’t do it. Given that I’ve been working the past two weeks and have skipped more lectures than I would like to admit, even flying off to Bangkok for a moment of fun, I’m pretty lost. Even now I’m not on the ball and catching up at the rate I should…am I doomed? Have I bitten off more than I could chew with the extra workload? I sincerely hope not.

I could give myself endless excuses for why I haven’t been trying my best but the honest answer is that I felt like I had nothing worth living for anymore. What’s the point of studying subjects that one doesn’t like/what is the point of doing a degree if you hate and dread going to school every single day/what can you do when nothing goes right? Yes, it was a mild depressive episode but things are okay now. I am so loved and blessed; I should be more thankful for all that I have – I see that now.

But, you bounce back and show them that they can’t fucking get to you. Let downs only let you rise higher. Time to do some shit and get what I want.

I can’t wait for finals to end I’m so looking forward to next Friday 11am – literature module paper would be done (hurrah!) and I can enjoy life reading my campbell biology book and making a really big decision. And spend more time with Honey, with friends, making money, and playing softball. And getting the fuck out of school.

Wrap your hands around my throat I won’t mind

I’ve never felt so fucking pathetic and hopeless in my life. What’s the point of studying if your future is bleak? Why the fuck do they get what they want but I can’t do what I want? And when you have fuckers boasting about how their daughter aces her modules overseas the taste of bile coming up my throat makes me so damn mad.

Reality’s a real bitch.