109 days

by Jolyn Low

It seems like it has been forever since I have posted. It is two weeks into this semester, a month since the break, and it will be 15.5 weeks to home.

I worry terribly about my future. Call me crazy but I am already planning on what to do when I get back in December. I want to save up enough to buy myself my very first car next year. I want to do something that I would never be able to do in the future. I want to work towards my ultimate goals which include graduation in a far away 4.5 years’ time and returning home (I think).

But I am not sure. Doubts are wrecking my confidence. I do hope that I would be able to pass every unit in the following years. Even now, I struggle to focus in lectures where the lecturer reads off the disjointed slides. I have been enjoying one of my units tremendously though – it is like a dream come true. For a child whose days were spent poring through encyclopaedias of horses and stories of farms, it is the ultimate fantasy come to life.

I walked into class unsure and literally not knowing what to do with the sheep. But at the end of the day, it makes me immensely satisfied to be able to age, sex, tip and condition score them. It is something fundamental I suppose but still, for a weak city girl like me it means a lot to be able to hold onto a sheep and do that. I find so much joy in clambering over gates, practising knots, picking up adorable kids and just being around animals. Given the choice, I will definitely choose to spend most of my days on the farm. Sadly, it is limited to only weekly lessons but I am very fortunate to have it almost every week!

Just this week I experienced my first national day away from home. It is funny how we seek the comforts of home in the loneliest times. For those who only have a year or two at home it might not be as apparent. But it makes me count down the years till I am back. I have only 4 more national days away from home! What awaits me at the end of these years, I honestly don’t know. Who will be there other than my family? Would I have a future in my very own country? Would I ever be able to build a future there? I cannot know. All I can do is to study, aim for the stars, and pray that there will be a better way.

I have been reflecting on studying in general. Certain units frustrate me because I have learnt the material before in high school. It makes me upset because I am literally paying a few grand to do these units when I believe that I know the content already. On the other hand, it makes me seething mad to have disjointed and seemingly pointless units. It makes me unmotivated. Yet there are those gems that remind me why I am here and why I am doing what I am. I cannot wait to finally get through these foundational cum general science units and get to the real thing next year. I really cannot wait to finally take a big step towards becoming what I want to be.

I will try my best to do well again. I will get through these tumultuous times filled with trepidation and a worried heart.