Isolated thoughts

Month: September, 2016

Dappy

Boy, when I left you, you were young
I was gone, but not my love
You were clearly meant for more
Than a life lost in the war
I want you to be happy
Free to run, get dizzy on caffeine
Funny friends that make you laugh
And maybe you’re just a little bit dappy
Fly
Feel your mother at your side
Don’t you know you got my eyes
I’ll make you fly
You’ll be happy all the time
I know you can make it right
Boy, now your life is back-to-front
But you’ll see that’s not for long
‘Cause I know you’ll feel the ghost
Of some memories so warm

I just watched Train to Busan today, and my roommate asked me what I would do if I were in the situation of being in a zombie apocalypse. Of course, I joked, being the selfish asshole that I am, that I would save myself. But no, I wouldn’t have. I would’ve (given my skills) tried to find a cure. I might not have the same sentiments of saving my child as I don’t know what a mother’s love is, but I think that all of us can agree that life extends beyond our personal trajectories.

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9/15

Oh my goodness. The past three days or so have passed by in such a flash. Life is just going by so quickly that I haven’t really been stopping to catch a breather, which I am finally doing tonight. I need to reorganise my life. Its a complete mess (in a good way). The next week will be pretty fun with volunteering, classes and interviews, all of which I’m looking forward to immensely. 

I’ve learnt so much this week and have had quite a good time despite the crazy schedule. Mid-terms and presentations went rather well given that I reached the stage of not giving a shit anymore. Also, I’ve had really good company these days in uni. I just found that my statistics tutor was from Singapore and a RV alumni! I’ve attended talks on feline behaviour, a career as an equine vet and just yesterday had a workshop on horse hoof care! It feels really good to be learning more in my spare time off classes that are relevant to my future, and even better to be getting hands on opportunities on cadavers. 

Now I have a (hopefully lucky) horseshoe on my topmost shelf. I used to have one from pony club camp back when I was little, but it has since been thrown away. 

I have found the teaching style here to be so supportive and encouraging. Everything is complimented. “Oh, you’re doing great! That’s really good!” “You should consider a career as a farrier and forget about being a vet!” “You guys are really talented!” “You’re really good at bevelling!” It’s very different from what I’m used to, where your best is never really enough and compliments are hard to come by. I clearly remember the day my aunt shot me down for my A levels, stating that her friend’s son had 8 As. It made me so mad. 

I don’t believe what they say – I’m so awkward with the tools, and the cadavers that I trimmed never looked as good as those that others did. But I’m so grateful for having had such great teachers, resources and experiences, and am even more thankful that my parents love me so much to let me pursue these dreams of mine. 

I found that I’m pretty happy to get down and dirty if I have access to a washing machine and a hot shower afterwards. What normal Singaporean young adult would be able to say that they know how to (amateur-ly) file a horse’s hoof, or remove a metal shoe from it? To be honest I’m a complete loser and actually hammered my left thumb the first time I tried to remove a nail from a hoof, but that’s just the horrendous hand-eye coordination and clumsiness that I have to bear with. I am basically a self-mutilating future vet. I made my right thumb bleed and bruise the other week from attempting the bucking bull machine and now this. Can someone please save me from myself? Note to self: it might be a good idea to get a doctor as a future boyfriend. Mhm, best idea I’ve had in a good while. Except that we’ll both be crazies working in the medical field, and we’ll be the epitome of biological hazards and dysfunction since we’ll probably be unable to function after shifts and have silent supper dates after work. 

I think it’ll be really funny to come up with a list of qualities my future husband should have, just to look back on and compare when or if it happens in the future. Let’s limit it to 10:

  1. Be completely accepting of and enjoy my weirdness – I’m not that strange, I just have a morbid fascination with biology and have a huge heart for animals (and probably him). 
  2. Support me in my dreams, ambitions and endeavours, as I will support his. I appreciate being cautioned or advised at times though cause I’m not the most thoughtful when it comes to certain decisions. 
  3. Learn how to deal with an upset me – which basically means a bawling mess or an angry little thing. 
  4. Love Honey to bits and pieces. She’s a spoilt little thing, but if someone dates me they date her too, because Honey is my baby and she will be at the wedding (I swear unless I don’t get married in say 9 years’ time)!!
  5. Accept that I can be insecure, vain and very flawed. So never ever call me ugly even though I’m a lazy ass and often look pretty horribly tired on most days. I give my all for my work, and if that’s how I’ll look like giving my best then please love me for it. 
  6. Be optimistic and humorous. I try to be, but it gets difficult sometimes. And I absolutely adore a good laugh as long as its not at anyone’s expense. 
  7. Make the effort to communicate with me. 
  8. Commit to and prioritise us, and be able to work with me to make the best decisions for our collective future together. 
  9. Never say hurtful things to me. I don’t think I would be able to handle a significant other using a harsh tone on me. 
  10. Accept that I will probably collect a harem of animals and will expect him to treat them like our kids. 

I have been talking to my classmate about the future a lot. The topics of what kind of veterinarian we want to become has popped up so often, and I am so confused. I know that, realistically, I will become a small animal veterinarian. But I have always loved the idea of practising on all animals – cows, sheep, horses, pigs, you name it. I’m not so much interested in exotics, but I do want to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way in the coming years. We also talked about practising when we settle down and (maybe) have children. 

I’m not sure if it is because we are slightly older, 20 and turning 21 soon, that we ponder over these things. I’m so skeptical as well – I have a lot of ambition, and how is settling down possible when you have so much that you’ve yet to do?!

I have one week of study break before the last 5 weeks of school. Time to get things done and end this year with a bang, I’d say.

70

I woke up in the middle of the night needing the toilet. The street lamps outside cast a glow in the dark, dark night. And I ended up tearing for a good while before sleeping till the alarm. 

It is exhausting living up to your personal expectations – to obtain high distinctions for all units yet again and to maintain a 4.0 GPA all whilst struggling to do so much more. I want to find a live-in position to further my skills and knowledge whilst studying, as well as to lessen the financial burden of living expenses on top of already exorbitant tuition fees. I want to attend all the career, behavioural and animal care talks that I can to take advantage of what there is to offer. On top of all that, I am volunteering here and there for events, hoping to be more involved instead of merely studying, and trying to assimilate myself in a completely new society. I also desire the companionship and love of those around me, for I do not want my journey to be a lonely one, and it is such company, I believe, that will bring me to greater heights. 

I want to do and achieve so much, and I don’t know if I can, but the least I can do is try. 

In the meantime, I will work on myself. I will become a respectable practitioner of veterinary medicine in 4 years’ time. And I will push myself tirelessly through this period of study and beyond graduation to be the best that I can possibly be. 

My examination timetable has been finalised. I find it amazing that in 10 weeks’ time I would have completed my first year (out of five) of veterinary school. Granted, it is a year of general tertiary-level science preparing us for later years, but how time flies! I have 6 exams, 4 theory papers, 1 practical paper, and 1 hands-on practical exam. Apparently, the animal handling exam would take 6 hours. I sincerely hope not, but bring it on! On the bright side, my papers are all really spread out from the first to the very last day of examinations, so for 16 whole days I’ll be working tirelessly towards the end. And after I finish, I would have 4 days to pack up and say goodbye to the village. 

It is 70 days to home, and I can’t wait to see what I can do in those 70 days. 

I am angry because my lower incisors have shifted out of alignment after having done 4 years of braces!

I cannot wait to graduate and come home from work to a comforting home made meal made with my mother’s love.

I tend to get extremely antisocial during periods of stress. I have literally been cooped up in my room, going out for lessons in the morning and then retreating to study here and there. It genuinely sucks.

Oh, my soul

It feels like forever since I have written, and the past few days have passed so quickly that I’ve barely been able to decompress. And the next few days will pass as such too. There is lab tomorrow, clubbing, bootcamp, meeting a friend from home, and volunteering to pass the next 3 days. I wish that I have been putting in more effort into studying, but no. I’m kinda savouring life, taking the time to do ridiculous things like painting paper brollies, giving the bucking bull machine a pathetic go at the festival, and getting henna which inevitably got entirely smudged within 5 minutes. 

Vet school has been pretty sweet. I have booked my extramural farm experience for the summer, which is so exciting. I cannot wait to travel further for these experiences once I get used to it. I finally get a slight breather next week with a break from farm practicals, which gives me the time to work on tests and submissions. I only wish to be on the path where I can learn, grow and excel, uninhibited and unlimited in any way. 

10/09

I always tend to keep my problems and feelings to myself as I dislike being a burden to others. It becomes difficult when I really have a hard time because I have nowhere and no one to go to. And the worst thing is having such a conundrum of conflicting emotions and thoughts just bubbling away, waiting for the right moment to explode. These days whenever I have a cry I don’t even know, really, why I am crying anymore. Crying over spilt milk, maybe. Stressed out over studies, always. But this is the path that I so desperately want to be on, and it never gets easier and I am so afraid that I cannot achieve mastery in this subject. 

Today, I went for a fitness bootcamp. That is terrifying for a scrawny Asian like me, because whilst I have done sports and had once achieved a pretty good level of fitness, I’ve basically lost all muscle mass due to anorexia. Now, to make things clear, I do not starve myself on purpose because I have a distorted perception of my body. I just don’t really have a good appetite, not when I have sporadic bouts of crying and am weighed down by so much every day. I have also found this tolerable medium of feeling hungry but being able to suppress it in favour of other activities – lazing in bed half-sleeping for example. 

But I tried very hard. I tried to run fast and kept on with the crunches although my entire body was screaming at me to stop. Afterwards, I felt so good. The endorphins made me feel so gleeful and carefree, if only for a short while. I wanted to dance and laugh, and basically be free. 

Achievement of the day: I have successfully memorised the glycolysis and TCA cycle! *pats back* 

I miss eating ban mian, although I surprisingly do not miss home that much at the moment. I wanted a teh bing after the workout today as well. I love my hawker centre/coffee shop food. 

I wonder if it is strange that all I want to do with a future partner is to go for peaceful weekend breakfasts at a coffee shop. We could have the traditional kaya toast with eggs and milk tea or whatever we fancy, and I would be happy, because I would have his company and that is all I need (as well as a few dollars, of course). We should also take Honey on walks and if possible, to new places. But she gets overly excited in the car and I worry, so we could also laze about at home, with Honey snuggled against or between us. 

I miss my dog. 

The pros of being single

  1. The freedom to do and pursue anything in life with no worries about a joint future 
  2. Finding or learning how to find happiness within and with yourself
  3. Being able to go for days without worrying about shaving your legs
  4. Not having to care for someone else 
  5. Having the time to focus on working and improving yourself

I was listening to some married couples speak about relationships. I’m not one to know much, given my abysmal track record, but I do believe that love is a very beautiful thing when shared between two committed individuals who bring out the best in the other. Personally, I would like to “grow up” with someone else through the stages of life. However, knowing my disposition and current plans for the future, it would be a very unlikely path indeed. 

Drop dead

I’m sitting here in my bedroom eating rainbow cake and basically wasting away because I’m too exhausted to do anything. 

Today, I had my first test of the semester, which was basically 40 minutes of easy statistical questions. I saw the privilege walk being conducted on the way to school. I fell asleep in lecture where we were supposed to learn about pastures, and thought of him less. I had lunch and drove a mate’s manual car after about a year of not touching one. 

I also had a pig handling practical, which was really quite interesting to say the least. Pigs happen to be the species that I’ve the absolute least amount of interaction with in my life, but geez, are they more than what meets the eye. Reading Hannibal has planted the idea that pigs are crazy beasts that can be trained to eat humans. It is crazy, but I digress. It feels so strange to see these animals that people usually associate with mud and dirt in a clean and sterile environment. Even stranger with regards to the biosecurity requirements before we can even handle them!

I think that one of the saddest moments in life went down today. With my ears plugged and a strong determination to restrain a pig, I couldn’t even lift it up with my right hand (it was 15kg) and I have never felt so pathetically weak in my life. Catching an animal that I have never caught before comes with a lot of bravado and the desperation of needing to do it in order to pass the unit. Its a mixture of “oh, what if I mess up” and “why can’t I do this?!” with “you need to do this to pass and go on for 4 years of vet school” racing through my brain. It really doesn’t help that I’m very scrawny and tire easily. But it makes sense to actually work out a little now. For the sake of passing this unit!

Okay so I came home smelling of pigs, and after a nice warm shower and some food I’m sitting in my room and I’m just so exhausted beyond belief that I wanted to sleep from 6pm to the next day. Life is good when you celebrate birthdays, make impromptu plans and work with animals. It is really really good and I’m glad that I’ll be doing this for the next couple of years. 

Three weeks

Life has become quite wonderful. I’ve experienced so much this semester that I otherwise would not have if I hadn’t lost. My recent study break has been quite a fruitful stint. I have:

  • gone to the mall (which is rare)
  • attended a birthday party that is embedded in an entirely different culture, making it so eye-opening
  • had a sleepover
  • attempted muah chee and had an international dinner with my apartment mates, trying Russian, Malaysian, Filipino, Chinese, Vietnamese and Australian cuisine
  • gone for walks to see the horses and fed them carrots that I got for free
  • attended a cooking class and had Singaporean food
  • visited a old hang out spot with new company, discovering new places (an old school sweet shop and mystic shop!) and having bubble tea (my one true love) also found a mystic ball which told me that its unlikely that I get my HDs, but will get a lot more *cough married before 30, getting the position, scholarship and money*
  • pranked my roommate as an early birthday surprise with a shit tonne of post it notes which was a glorious success that would be immortalised on social media forever
  • tried shisha and stayed out for late night pizza, driving through the fog to get home and coming back at 3am

 

It is good to be happy, and better to forget. The 11 days of break have been terribly quick to pass

I have three weeks before the next study break. Lucky me, having a total of 3 weeks to study in one semester. This means that one semester is 17 weeks long – 4 weeks of school, a break, 3 weeks of school, another break, and 5 weeks before the final break and 2 weeks of exams. These weeks would be filled with mid semester exams that I am hopelessly unprepared for, and a crazy three days of examination, presentation and submissions. I wish to pull through it well, and make it to the next study break, where I would need to study for two other mid semester papers on soils and pastures!

On the bright side, more things are happening all the same! I have never imagined that uni life would be like that but it is, and its really happening for me. I’m so thankful for the bubble of friends that I’m surrounding myself with. And most of all, I’m happy to be me again. No more lack of concentration in lessons and inability to focus on work, no more coming home to cry helplessly in bed, and no more restless nights and waking up at 4am. Time really flies when you’re having a good time, and I wish to do so much more in these remaining 4+ years. 

I want to camp outside and spend the night at the sand dunes with a million stars twinkling above. I want to drive to a remote beach and read a book in the raging silence. I want to go on road trips with friends, exploring the lonely towns that are littered across the vast space of WA. I want to ride horses again, living out my childhood dreams of mustering cattle out on a farm. And I still want to do so much more. 

Bring it on. I can’t wait.