10/09

by Jolyn Low

I always tend to keep my problems and feelings to myself as I dislike being a burden to others. It becomes difficult when I really have a hard time because I have nowhere and no one to go to. And the worst thing is having such a conundrum of conflicting emotions and thoughts just bubbling away, waiting for the right moment to explode. These days whenever I have a cry I don’t even know, really, why I am crying anymore. Crying over spilt milk, maybe. Stressed out over studies, always. But this is the path that I so desperately want to be on, and it never gets easier and I am so afraid that I cannot achieve mastery in this subject. 

Today, I went for a fitness bootcamp. That is terrifying for a scrawny Asian like me, because whilst I have done sports and had once achieved a pretty good level of fitness, I’ve basically lost all muscle mass due to anorexia. Now, to make things clear, I do not starve myself on purpose because I have a distorted perception of my body. I just don’t really have a good appetite, not when I have sporadic bouts of crying and am weighed down by so much every day. I have also found this tolerable medium of feeling hungry but being able to suppress it in favour of other activities – lazing in bed half-sleeping for example. 

But I tried very hard. I tried to run fast and kept on with the crunches although my entire body was screaming at me to stop. Afterwards, I felt so good. The endorphins made me feel so gleeful and carefree, if only for a short while. I wanted to dance and laugh, and basically be free. 

Achievement of the day: I have successfully memorised the glycolysis and TCA cycle! *pats back* 

I miss eating ban mian, although I surprisingly do not miss home that much at the moment. I wanted a teh bing after the workout today as well. I love my hawker centre/coffee shop food. 

I wonder if it is strange that all I want to do with a future partner is to go for peaceful weekend breakfasts at a coffee shop. We could have the traditional kaya toast with eggs and milk tea or whatever we fancy, and I would be happy, because I would have his company and that is all I need (as well as a few dollars, of course). We should also take Honey on walks and if possible, to new places. But she gets overly excited in the car and I worry, so we could also laze about at home, with Honey snuggled against or between us. 

I miss my dog. 

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