Isolated thoughts

Month: March, 2017

14. 

I feel very restless. The part of me that once endeavoured to explore the world has been awoken again, and I feel like I’m finally seeing the light yet again. I have honestly been quite self-limiting in my outlook and plans for the future when I literally have the whole world that can be explored. The wonders and joys of a (future) veterinary degree, indeed.

In the meantime, university has just been a blur of lectures, practical classes with a little too much formalin, and the little bits of study and idiosyncrasies in between. I have been trying to enjoy the weather whilst it is still lovely with warm, sunny days and cool nights. On the flipside, I’m struggling to be 100% motivated with my studies which is quite bad considering how mid semesters are coming in a few days time. I simply cannot dedicate and give my all for my grades because I know how, if I were to hold myself up to unreasonable standards, I would crash and burn.

Whilst moseying my way through the week I have yet again come to the conclusion that I have life very good. I might not be the wealthiest, and I shall definitely never be wealthy with a future salary that pales in comparison to many other occupations, but I will have a life worth living for. I have a safe roof above my head, am not hungry or wanting, have good self-esteem, am surrounded by friends and am loved by my family. What a privilege it is to be me.

Spent my Friday evening till Saturday afternoon learning about exotic companion animals, which honestly makes me quite happy. Also discovered that I might be allergic to guinea pigs (cue sad face) and hence spent the following 4 hours sniffling and flaring up. Such is life, but it was a weekend well spent. Now on to the tests!

Mentioned to my friend how I felt like my personality was incompatible with 95% (or more) of the other people in this small world. Which is incredibly sad, but undeniably true when I think about most of the relationships that have fallen through. 

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13.

My week back in Singapore has passed by too quickly. But it is good, perhaps, for I can now approach school with new found motivation and vigour. I still feel quite out of place in the country that I very much want to call home. My family might be visiting in June as well, which is a possibility that excites me. I will miss Honey though, and I have no idea when I shall return again.

This is quite embarrassing but I’ve lost Thumper a while back. He was the cutest little bunny with a lot of character. I like to think that he was a very special wild rabbit, for he would come to the door to greet me when I got back, and would insist on sleeping in my room with me. He thought that the window ledge was his territory, and would bask in the sunlight on the sunniest of afternoons. He would also do binkies all over my bed. I’m a rabbit convert now – screw guinea pigs. I would think that I’m a horrid owner but then again he would have hated being stuck in a cage, and free range was the way to go. I solemnly swear not to get another pet again (unless something suitable hops into my life again).

12. 

Today I walked past a whole stretch of plastic surgery clinics and I was wondering if I’d ever consider getting something done. Whilst I do sometimes get a little insecure, I generally am quite happy with myself and don’t feel any desire to change anything. I’m too afraid of surgery to do so anyway. I guess I’m just a little shocked at how common and easy it is to change one’s body through unnatural means. I don’t have the time or the skills to entertain the notion of putting on makeup either so slapping on some sunblock and tinted lip balm is as far as it goes on a normal day. I think I look quite horrible in makeup and from experience, start messing it up asap. I like to joke that the only time I’d ever be all dolled up is on my wedding day, if ever, and even so I’d throw a fit if I look too different from my everyday. 

My eyes are shutting as I type this but I’m glad to be able to get away from uni and work, if even for a little while. Whenever I need some clarity I like to write things down from a third party’s point of view – in close to exact wording in hopes that the logical part of my brain, however far away it may be, processes it rationally. Sometimes that results in a lot of misery but I find it easier to control my expectations when I pre-empt and accept disappointments and a dismal reality.  

In the meantime, I shall feast and be merry and perhaps buy some pretty new clothes so that I can feel pretty when I wear them eventually. I watched Moana and thought that it was a pretty cool flick, if not as impactful as previous Disney movies. I’m so envious of her pet pig – I want a pet pig too. 

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Just had a conversation with a friend about “growing up”. Basically, as the typical age of marriage for females is about 26-28, it’s not too surprising that people start thinking of settling down early. This usually coincides with the university years, and some start to BTO whilst studying so that their future houses get built in time. It isn’t unreasonable given the waiting period – from balloting, waiting for construction, getting ballrooms (the horror) etc. I honestly think that it’s a pretty good way of planning for the future, if both parties know what they want and are sure that they will be settling down together. It’s such a foreign concept to me though, and it feels quite scary and stressful because some of my peers are already thinking of doing so or have tried already, and it feels like such a big commitment at the age of 21. If they’re starting to plan and are at stage 4 out of 10, I think I’m at stage -2 because my life is predominantly focused around my studies.

I told my mom and she said that it’s because my course of study is so long with 4 more years to go. It doesn’t seem to apply to me as well because I’m mostly based abroad at the moment, am a poor international student and will probably not be able to find a nice singaporean boyfriend whilst abroad in a female dominated course. And when I graduate I shall slave away because I am so indebted to my parents and want to be more self reliant more quickly. 

I know that my life trajectory is going to be quite different from theirs but it still hammers in the reality that before I know it, some of my friends will be settling down in a couple of years time. I feel too young for that, and coupled with only graduating at 24, it is so unrealistic. Don’t get me wrong, I think that it’s lovely to know so definitely that the person that you’re with is the one you want to spend your life with, and commit to the purchase of a house but how even. I don’t even know what kind of veterinarian I want to be when I graduate, or even know how to date with the intent of marriage. 

It must be nice to be so sure of the future though, or at least to be so sure as to commit to building one with someone else. Sometimes I wish I could just jump ahead – to 2020 when I graduate or another 9 years perhaps to when I once jokingly aimed to settle down, just to see what really happens then. I just want to know what is in store for me in the years to come, and hopefully be able to tell myself that it’s all been worth it in the end. 

11. 

I personally find social media to be quite a handicap. Whilst I wholeheartedly appreciate being able to see snippets of my physically distant friends’ lives, which is very important when you’re 3000 miles away from home, I do not think that this means that I have been catching up with them. Silent viewership doesn’t foster any connection, and I feel stifled by the number of “friends” that I feel obliged to have on my social media feed. Many of whom I do know and have talked to before, but will probably never speak to again. Therefore I have been quite relentlessly pruning these lists as of late, because I find it tiring having to scroll through unnecessary posts that I am unable to appreciate. I won’t say that I don’t care, but I find this need to simplify and shut off from anyone who is unhealthy or very far gone from where I am currently at, and where I want to be.

In the recent days I have been thinking about the transition from year 1 to 2, and so on. In a mere 45 months I will officially become Dr Jo, given that I pass every single exam on my first try. At work I like to laugh about how I have 4 years to perfect my stethoscope skills or my injecting skills, but really, it isn’t quite that funny sometimes. 45 months seems like a very short time before graduating. I have 9 months of cramming theory into my brain, 12 months to learning how to perform clinical examinations, and a mere 24 months before I conduct my very first surgery. These thoughts make it easier to waddle through the mountains of information presented every day, and it keeps that little spark in me, however weak at times, alive.

10.


Week 1 has passed and I find myself grasping at straws, desperately trying not to get burnt out. After my first day of uni I came home and studied quite seriously. It was not me being a perfectionist or an overachiever, but because I literally cannot afford to fall behind. Some of my classmates are insanely experienced (with previous degrees and years of practical working experience) and motivated and I just don’t take myself quite that seriously most of the time. Which isn’t a bad thing, really, because passes get you degrees but I just want a break from the whole vet school shebang every now and then.