12. 

by Jolyn Low

Today I walked past a whole stretch of plastic surgery clinics and I was wondering if I’d ever consider getting something done. Whilst I do sometimes get a little insecure, I generally am quite happy with myself and don’t feel any desire to change anything. I’m too afraid of surgery to do so anyway. I guess I’m just a little shocked at how common and easy it is to change one’s body through unnatural means. I don’t have the time or the skills to entertain the notion of putting on makeup either so slapping on some sunblock and tinted lip balm is as far as it goes on a normal day. I think I look quite horrible in makeup and from experience, start messing it up asap. I like to joke that the only time I’d ever be all dolled up is on my wedding day, if ever, and even so I’d throw a fit if I look too different from my everyday. 

My eyes are shutting as I type this but I’m glad to be able to get away from uni and work, if even for a little while. Whenever I need some clarity I like to write things down from a third party’s point of view – in close to exact wording in hopes that the logical part of my brain, however far away it may be, processes it rationally. Sometimes that results in a lot of misery but I find it easier to control my expectations when I pre-empt and accept disappointments and a dismal reality.  

In the meantime, I shall feast and be merry and perhaps buy some pretty new clothes so that I can feel pretty when I wear them eventually. I watched Moana and thought that it was a pretty cool flick, if not as impactful as previous Disney movies. I’m so envious of her pet pig – I want a pet pig too. 

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Just had a conversation with a friend about “growing up”. Basically, as the typical age of marriage for females is about 26-28, it’s not too surprising that people start thinking of settling down early. This usually coincides with the university years, and some start to BTO whilst studying so that their future houses get built in time. It isn’t unreasonable given the waiting period – from balloting, waiting for construction, getting ballrooms (the horror) etc. I honestly think that it’s a pretty good way of planning for the future, if both parties know what they want and are sure that they will be settling down together. It’s such a foreign concept to me though, and it feels quite scary and stressful because some of my peers are already thinking of doing so or have tried already, and it feels like such a big commitment at the age of 21. If they’re starting to plan and are at stage 4 out of 10, I think I’m at stage -2 because my life is predominantly focused around my studies.

I told my mom and she said that it’s because my course of study is so long with 4 more years to go. It doesn’t seem to apply to me as well because I’m mostly based abroad at the moment, am a poor international student and will probably not be able to find a nice singaporean boyfriend whilst abroad in a female dominated course. And when I graduate I shall slave away because I am so indebted to my parents and want to be more self reliant more quickly. 

I know that my life trajectory is going to be quite different from theirs but it still hammers in the reality that before I know it, some of my friends will be settling down in a couple of years time. I feel too young for that, and coupled with only graduating at 24, it is so unrealistic. Don’t get me wrong, I think that it’s lovely to know so definitely that the person that you’re with is the one you want to spend your life with, and commit to the purchase of a house but how even. I don’t even know what kind of veterinarian I want to be when I graduate, or even know how to date with the intent of marriage. 

It must be nice to be so sure of the future though, or at least to be so sure as to commit to building one with someone else. Sometimes I wish I could just jump ahead – to 2020 when I graduate or another 9 years perhaps to when I once jokingly aimed to settle down, just to see what really happens then. I just want to know what is in store for me in the years to come, and hopefully be able to tell myself that it’s all been worth it in the end. 

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