Isolated thoughts

Month: April, 2017

18. 

It’s going to be winter soon, but I find the weather quite lovely. I haven’t yet found the need to turn on the heater, which comes as a bit of a surprise because (if I’m not wrong) I started using the heater end April last year. I suck at the cold (because large surface area to volume ratio) so this comes as quite a relief! I’ve also found that the secret to keeping warm and toasty at night is to layer blankets – fleece under polyester works wonders for me.

On Friday I got myself a guinea pig because I felt like it. He actually has a cage and a leash this time so he’s not going anywhere. Wilbur (named after the pig in Charlotte’s Web) had matted bum hair, a cage in dire need of cleaning and a very poor diet. His owner, a child, got bored of him, hence his condition. He got his nails clipped, bum shaved and a bath and I scrubbed out his cage. He’s quite docile and sweet, if slightly bland but it’s okay, for we can be boring together. I want him to have a good home now.

My only concern is that he might be lonely when I am at school all day, and that he might outlive my stay in this country. It’s still a while away though, so I shall hope that in the meantime, he adapts to his diet of hay and settles into his new home properly. Update: he’s doing well!

I really don’t like making mistakes – it makes me feel inadequate and incredibly small. It is inevitable, I suppose, for them to occur anyway in the process of learning. I just want all this self-doubt and being incredibly not-good enough to end one day, if ever. Also, I just want to have the resilience to make it through and the quiet confidence that I am doing the right things (and make the right decisions) after all.

Weary

I feel incredibly tired and not-good today. The past few nights have been tough because I had been waking at 3/4am to medicate a sick patient and my sleep has been compromised. I tried to give her a little bit more love and extra cuddles because she had gone through an exploratory laporatomy and it probably hurt like hell. The irregular hours mean that I have had some very lucid dreams as of late. I dreamnt that I had shaved my head whilst on the run from the authorities where I was eventually persecuted (ie I died). In another I was being a little shithead in a relationship (yet again). 

It was 8 degrees when I crawled out of bed this morning and 9 when I drove to school, which was chilly. I listened to The Script as I was on the highway because the radio is 90% advertisements. Accelerating to 100kms makes me feel incredibly liberated and in control. I had thought that I was confident for my paper, but not as much as I would have liked. I hate hedging my bets and not being able to answer questions precisely. It was disappointing to say the least. But all there is to do is to wise up and prepare slightly differently next time.

We finished our dog dissection today after 6 weeks of lab. These sessions are often incredibly tedious, but I always feel happy whenever we uncover a section that isn’t already tampered with and dried up. I don’t think I shall tire of them until the day I get to do real surgeries (just under 2 years now!). 10 months to clinical coats, and then onto a lot more interesting things!

We palpated a horse today and I had fun picking up the hay and feeding it. I love putting things on my flat palm (the proper way of feeding, mind you!) and letting them nuzzle my hand. Animals are the best. 

17.

I find life to be very fleeting at best, and terribly futile at its worst. All that I really want to do is to find a quiet spot and enjoy the sunlight whilst reading a nice book. My results have come back for the couple of tests and they’ve been fine, if above average. I’m happy with how I handled the tests – it was a good test of how to cope with work, tests and the daunting amount of lectures and classes that continue. I was definitely slightly cowed by the amount of material to be learnt but it has turned out well. Life goes on.

I reckon that I find life to be very transient because the best, if happiest moments pass by the fastest. If there is anything that I’ve learnt its that time is incredibly finite, and sometimes I suppose that the best thing to do is to try be in the moment, because I’d hate to not have given 100%. Whenever I feel down I try to look back on the times I’ve felt the brightest, to give myself hope that sometime in the future I would find such joy in my days again too. 

/ I heard the funniest thing on the radio today. When this girl was a teen her Mom told her that she was a woman and she could manipulate any man into loving her. But it’s always better if it’s genuine. 

16. 

I didn’t feel like responding when my mother asked if we could FaceTime tonight. I’d just finished a short workout and wanted to shower. It felt disruptive, and it is very tempting and easy to simply say “I don’t have time for that” in order to escape. Anyway, I took the initiative to call her instead and we had a nice conversation. I think that as a young person who’s been brought up very sheltered and never wanting, the only things that I can’t get instantaneously are job satisfaction and strong relationships. All of which take time and effort to develop and maintain.

In the end, my conversation with my Mother made my day. I miss my parents a lot more than I think I thought I would, and I just want them to come over in June despite the shitty timing right smack during  exams. I think that this serves as a reminder that no matter what, I am nothing without my parents and there really is no excuse to not make time for them. I also want to cuddle my dog. Perhaps a little trip back before year 3 begins would be a good idea.

I am just very tired. Of everything. It’s okay though. I just need to get through one last day of class and I’m free to recuperate and do things that make me happy and study properly.

My Easter weekend hasn’t passed very well. I am sickly and weak. I was also stuck with insolent dogs that just wouldn’t stop barking and let me have some good alone time. On the bright side I got a short pet sitting gig, which pays extremely well for what I actually do. I literally get 30 bucks to feed the dogs and play with them for half an hour per day. Best job ever because its so relaxing and chill. I end up just sitting there ruminating and palpating the dogs because its just fun to do so. I’ve also finished watching How to Get Away with Murder (season 3) and finished reading All Creatures Great and Small. I want to watch Logan. And then probably read one of the paperbacks I’ve gotten at the thrift shop if time permits.

 

15.

Not really in the mood and shall only give myself 15 minutes to write before I head off for class but I feel like with every day that passes, I come closer to living and becoming the person that I want to be. There was this huge gap between the person I was and the person I had wanted to be last year, and now I’m finally drawing closer and being my authentic self, I think. There are Japanese words that completely describes this: ‘Honne and tatemae are Japanese words that describe the contrast between a person’s true feelings and desires (本音 hon’ne, “true sound”) and the behavior and opinions one displays in public (建前 tatemae, “built in front”, “façade”).’ Thanks Google. I don’t think that I really hold back what I truly think now. Whilst I try to be politically correct in front of some, I am otherwise very much being true to me.

Have also gotten very comfortable with going about and doing my thing, screw social pressures and the stigma of being alone. Completed two intra semester examinations with confidence, and had a night all to myself to reward myself. I baked muffins and watched a movie (Teen titans: The Judas Contract because I was that kid) and had good conversations. I think that I thrive off drives in chilly nights and relaxing. In mindfulness class we learnt that we have about 3 systems – the drive system that motivates us to achieve things, the threat system aka fight/flight and the soothing system, which is what I imagine to be when I cuddle Morrie. I reckon that most of us are consistently in drive mode, but I realise that I very much need my soothing system too. I just haven’t had the time for myself this week, which I really needed after a manageable but slightly tough few nights. I feel very fortunate by the very fact that I’ve not yet had one of those spinning ‘there’s too much to study and on my plate’ breakdowns which are very prevalent in this field of study, I think.

I just want to travel the world and do whatever makes me happy.