15.

by Jolyn Low

Not really in the mood and shall only give myself 15 minutes to write before I head off for class but I feel like with every day that passes, I come closer to living and becoming the person that I want to be. There was this huge gap between the person I was and the person I had wanted to be last year, and now I’m finally drawing closer and being my authentic self, I think. There are Japanese words that completely describes this: ‘Honne and tatemae are Japanese words that describe the contrast between a person’s true feelings and desires (本音 hon’ne, “true sound”) and the behavior and opinions one displays in public (建前 tatemae, “built in front”, “façade”).’ Thanks Google. I don’t think that I really hold back what I truly think now. Whilst I try to be politically correct in front of some, I am otherwise very much being true to me.

Have also gotten very comfortable with going about and doing my thing, screw social pressures and the stigma of being alone. Completed two intra semester examinations with confidence, and had a night all to myself to reward myself. I baked muffins and watched a movie (Teen titans: The Judas Contract because I was that kid) and had good conversations. I think that I thrive off drives in chilly nights and relaxing. In mindfulness class we learnt that we have about 3 systems – the drive system that motivates us to achieve things, the threat system aka fight/flight and the soothing system, which is what I imagine to be when I cuddle Morrie. I reckon that most of us are consistently in drive mode, but I realise that I very much need my soothing system too. I just haven’t had the time for myself this week, which I really needed after a manageable but slightly tough few nights. I feel very fortunate by the very fact that I’ve not yet had one of those spinning ‘there’s too much to study and on my plate’ breakdowns which are very prevalent in this field of study, I think.

I just want to travel the world and do whatever makes me happy.

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