Isolated thoughts

Month: May, 2017

23.

It is the last week of term for those of us university students down under. And whilst I am glad that the semester is over and I am that much closer to a very distant graduation, I’m dreading the eventual cramming before final examinations. I told myself that I have 10 days to make it through the 102 lectures that we had this semester, and it doesn’t seem like enough time to grasp the little details. I feel very unprepared for this final examination period. It’s also the first time I’m having 70% of my final grade on one single day, where failure of a practical examination is the kiss of death.

Whilst degenerating (because it is acceptable at week 14 in vet school) I was asking myself if I had all the power in the world to change one thing about myself, what is the one thing that I would change.

Driving to school makes me think about how the country would change if everyone drove like I did. It’s one of scenarios where you amplify your best and worst characteristics to identify them. If so, I think the world would be very relaxed, if slow because I am the worst at accelerating quickly. I don’t get why people are so uptight and adamant about dashing off from the traffic light if they are only going to be stopped at the next. I do do my fair share of beating red lights though, I’d admit to that. The world would also be very quiet and people would be scarce because I avoid people and would really rather listen than speak my mind. I think that this arises from people not accepting what I think, and it not being worth the effort to speak. There are moments when I’m all for being social but I find myself so damn exhausted and drained after, which is kind of a good thing. But only in the correct circumstance.

Then I asked myself what was the purpose of living, really. I don’t have anything going for me. I chose a dead-end career where I will never be as wealthy or acknowledged as a “real doctor”, let alone as well-paid as other office jobs. This is considering the amount of knowledge that I will have to learn of all the species, including those I will never treat, and the amount of risk I put myself through every single day. I literally don’t know if I would die from a spooky horse kicking or a fearful cow. Even a 50kg dog can easily pin me and rip me up. One wrong move or bad luck can literally kill me. I think that I wouldn’t even care if I die, because life is very futile and everything I do I feel like I do in vain. Literally, what’s the point of putting myself through all the literal shit that I do when it is completely fine to strip down and post pretty pictures (of one’s body) online for money. They will earn money much more easily than I ever will (debatable fact though), and despite the fact that such work never lasts, who cares when there is very quick gratification for an otherwise very simple job?

That brings me to what I considered. I was thinking that having all the money in the world would be the best, because then I’d live like a queen driving a BMW to uni every day. Then being vain, I considered the fact that with a good body, I would be able to make money selling it, hence reducing the need for money because I’d be able to earn it all by myself. But no, maybe I just need to be funny. Or pretty. Because why work hard when you can use your face/body to make money or at the very least, snag a partner with money? Then I realised that I would never be able to win in any way and gave up. I decided that I would wish that I was never born at all.

But then again, things aren’t so bad really. If I think back about my achievements in the past year I think I’ve done pretty well. From having never touched a cow before, or weighing the same as the sheep that I am supposed to tip, I’d managed to do exceedingly well during my handling exams. I don’t spend half an hour on two lecture slides, and neither am I failing anything despite my laziness as of yet. I drove 3 hours down and back up and survived a week on a dairy farm. And unbeknownst to me I had my parents worried as hell because if you think about it, their 20 year old daughter was making her way to a foreign place alone with no one to help if she crashed along the highways in an less-than-reliable car, and completely at the mercy of the people she was going to be with for the next week. I personally didn’t feel quite that scared but when I think about it, I have been quite lucky in that regards. I even got an excellent review from a farmer because they liked the way I worked with the horses at their farm. 20 is a very young age in the big picture of things. And to be away from home, being independent yet being able to sustain a job whilst studying is a pretty remarkable thing.

I like to think it’s all about perspective. Whenever we have noisy dogs at the clinic that keep barking throughout the night I don’t get flustered because I can’t do anything about it. So I just chill and take it as it comes. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s still bloody annoying. Honey did the funniest thing a few nights ago – she heard the barks through the phone and started barking back. I want to go home to cuddle the her and take her on long walks but I don’t think that it’s happening because every time I go back I get very frustrated and angry that I’d really rather be completely drunk and out of my mind (creating tinder when tipsy is actually quite amusing, I highly recommend). I don’t feel like I fit in very well. I don’t feel like I click with old friends sometimes, which is a pity because all I want in the future is to settle down in that little island and call it home.

When I turn 24 (which is still very far off lord help me), I want to be quietly confident, comfortable in my own skin, more kind, and more mature when I finally take on the working world. I want to find my place in the world, or even make it. I reckon I just want to be the best version of me that I can possibly be. God be willing, I also want to find my partner in crime and have fun being domestic. Nice apartment (designed by yours truly), loving dog (hopefully still the buns), boh-chup cat, I want the works. In exchange, take all my sacrifices and youthful suffering.

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Wilbur

My guinea pig is now a fat little blob. He eats way too much hay, and poops too much. It’s excessive, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. He’s been finishing it off faster than Thumper ever has, and Thumper was much more active and was about the same size too.

So, as all good loving owners do, I googled it. And apparently it’s not anything to be too worried about. I’ll learn more next year in nutrition anyway. I weighed him and he hasn’t put on any weight at all. How strange. I was keen on feeding him a lot so that he’ll grow bigger and gain some weight because he was frightfully skinny from only being fed pellets. I wanted him to become like one of those huge boars. But now I reckon the wisest course of action would be to reduce his supply of hay by a little, and make him walk around more.

At the very least, he’s now much better with me coming up to his cage. He also wanders around the house a lot more comfortably. It makes me quite happy that he’s getting out of his shell and developing a silly guinea pig personality.

22.

This week I attended an award presentation ceremony because I did well enough to end up in the top 2% of students enrolled in a bachelor’s degree last year. Those who scored 5 high distinctions were eligible. It was a nice award, if not special because year one was relatively manageable. Also, basically a third of my class was there. It didn’t feel very significant an achievement at all. I felt like congratulations were not meaningful because I didn’t perceive it as an achievement – it felt like another benchmark that I used to make sure that I was on par with my peers yet again. And it wasn’t good enough; it doesn’t mean anything because it does not mean that you are good/the best. I don’t see how it even helps in the long run – what is another nice paper stating that one was excellent at their academics? It does not guarantee me the success that I desire.

Other than receiving nice awards, eating good food and drinking champagne (which was very nice; fancy is good sometimes), I also got to spend time with some very dear friends. I suppose the awards night extends beyond the individual – I definitely wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for the parental and social support that was extended to me and enabled me to excel. I recall very difficult nights just crying until I would exhaust myself and fall asleep, and wake up feeling even more stress from not studying. I did do my fair bit of procrastination last minute studying as well. On the most difficult nights, I was that close to booking a one way ticket home or a ticket to nowhere, which thankfully didn’t happen. I didn’t cope well. But most things worked out fine in the end.

In other news, my favourite show is coming out with its new season soon! I’ve been going down the rabbit hole, drowning in the theories and theorising with friends when I really should be studiously hitting the books. I just want to graduate eventually and be able to do the things that I would want to. In the meantime, I shall enjoy life and chill a little because its going to be a very tough ride to the end of semester 1.

Lyrical things

A few of my favourite artists with the songs that resonate the most with me. The last song made me watch the movie, and it was not bad at all. I’m still a sucker for love stories, even though I’ve long outgrown teen flicks and flings, and have little interest in complicated things.

I am literally surrounded by people who are working things out despite complications and distance though. I might be bitter because it seems like I’m the only person incapable of love, and out of everyone I’m surrounded by I am literally the only one who’s failed spectacularly in that regard. So if anything I envy them for their steadfastness and just because they have someone to go back to at the end of every day, good or bad.

21.

My week has gone past relatively alright, if uneventful. It was my group’s turn for the ethical dilemma debates. We had to speak in front of a class of 60-ish and it was so daunting and I was shaking because I didn’t feel like people were receptive to my argument. It wasn’t easy being in the position opposing the emotive pro-welfare and “adopt don’t shop” side at all. I question myself if I’d ever be comfortable with public speaking. Maybe I just wasn’t speaking my true mind (would’ve called everyone hypocrites and I’m quite sure a ‘go fuck yourself’ would’ve come about) or maybe I just wasn’t confident from not having memorised my script. I like to think that it was the latter. I’m not confrontational or very good at arguing at all. I’d much rather present the information impartially and let people decide for themselves.

It is very cold tonight so I’m lighting my yankee candle and holing up in my room to study for the tests on Monday. My family is coming over in June to visit, and I am quite excited to see them but wary because I just haven’t seen them in so long. Also, I have never been with them in this context, here in Perth. I always find difficulty in transposing – I never quite know how people and I myself act in different environments. I am quite ready to be pampered and fussed over by my parents though. They can meet Wilbur and I can take all the leftover food when they go. I reckon I’d be quite sad when they leave, for I am trying not to go back until 2018. It just doesn’t make sense to do so, not when I have no purpose to be there other than to cuddle Honey and meet old friends. There is no purpose as of yet, but there will be once clinical practicals kick in in from end 3rd to 5th year.

I took part in an online survey with regards to my views about the homeland, and I shall get a limited edition ez link card with credit. How exciting. I can’t wait for it to eventually arrive. It got me thinking that one of my biggest worries is not being able to assimilate well after having spent a large portion of my young adulthood away. I predict a lot of rebuilding and starting over again, which isn’t particularly bad. It just makes me wistful that I made the very conscious choice for a very different life, sacrificing what could have been a very comfortable (if meaningless) time. I try not to ponder ‘what-ifs’ anymore though, and I think that it is better this way.

Sleepless 

I can’t sleep. My one and only check on the patient was at 1am, and I have an intra semester examination later today. It isn’t working; I’ve been trying to sleep since 11pm and I’m still up. 

I’m thinking too much – trying to find a way for the future whilst dealing with the daunting-enough present. I am also trying very hard not live too much in my memories. It is difficult at times when I forget to be focused but this bad habit has been much better these days. 
I just feel very troubled by everything. I don’t feel confident in my future plans for god knows how things change quickly. It’s been a long road even coming up with a plan. University is going fine, I don’t really care except that I need to know the things that I need, and be done with it. I am a long way from graduation but it’s really just 3.5 years to go. How time flies. And lastly, I just feel very sad. Nothing is wrong, really. I have a roof over my head, a wonderful workplace, intellectually challenging classes and a good support network. I’ve been trying very hard to take care of myself by doing the things that make me relaxed and happy. I’ve been cooking and trying new dishes, watching shows, listening to trashy music and going on runs and drives. If independence was my goal I must be doing very well indeed. 

It might just be pms explaining the restlessness and crying. But it’s so abnormal, for I was going so damn well. I just long for something completely at odds with the rest of the world. And I know that no matter what I do, I cannot achieve what I would like to achieve. And I don’t find it fair at all. 

It’s like watering a flower. I know that I have to give it sunlight and water for it to survive. And so I do. I water it every single day in hopes that it would bloom. But it kept shrivelling up and when I checked it a day later, it died. I feel completely upset because I had done everything within my ability to let it flourish. But what I had failed to consider was that plants need minerals to survive. The soil that the flower was in never really was suitable for it at all. But that was the only kind that I had in my backyard. 

I can’t say for sure but I think I’ll be a lot happier if I was that flower today. 

Progress

Today I read that my alma mater would be abolishing the grouping of students into top classes and I completely approve. This means that there would no longer be EM1/EM2/EM3 classes, or the perceived ‘elite’ students and stigma of being in a lower ranking class anymore. Everyone, be it those who struggle with mathematics or those who excel in english would be mixed into classes with no regards to their academic ability.

I see it as a fantastic initiative that can boost a child’s self-esteem and encourage socialising with other children. The current system segregates the students too harshly. And whilst it gives those at the top an ego boost because they are (and they know that they are) amongst the brightest academically, it really takes a toll on the rest of the students. When I was tutoring my primary schoolers they would always lament that they were ‘stupid’ and hence unable to do well or understand. And they are only 9 and 10 years old. Even in the secondary school that I was attached to – the students knew that they were not academically inclined, and hence had no motivation to try at all just because they felt like the system will not accommodate them anyway.

Whilst it is understandable why schools would want to group students by their different academic abilities for the ease of teaching and organisational purposes, there is no legitimate reason for doing so. Ultimately, all students would be sitting for the same examination. And the pace at which they cover material should not differ all that much, and neither should the quality of the material either. As someone who has always experienced being ‘not good enough’, told by my very own teachers that I was not capable of entering ‘good schools’ and attaining the coveted As simply because I didn’t perform outstandingly in their class, I think that there needs to be less of a focus on academic grades and performance because they are not the only things that matter in life.

If I ever have a primary school aged child, I’m definitely sending them to a primary school for an education where class doesn’t matter. What matters is their exposure, that they develop the social skills that are essential for life both inside and outside school and that they are confident yet humble about their abilities. I reckon that they’ll even receive a better education than I did, for they would have the opportunity to interact and learn with and from students of all different strengths. And I would not have to worry about the labels that divide society infiltrating something as developmentally important as a classroom.

20.

I’d always been a very quiet child. I found my joy in stories and tales of the unknown and brave, and dreamnt of an idyllic existence somewhere far away. As I’ve gotten older I learnt to keep quiet more because I disliked small talk and realised that words could be very combative and hurtful. Silence, for me, is contentment and alone time has become the ultimate prize. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just anti social and boring (highly likely) and I doubt my ability to relate to others (which isn’t that true at all).

I find that I can completely empathise with my friends when we talk about our struggles and disappointments in life. Neither is it difficult to feel what they probably feel and try to comfort them. I feel like I can feel exactly what my friends feel whenever they talk about their life stresses, boy trouble and the like. It’s not difficult to step into their shoes after experiencing similar instances at all. I reckon that I’ve just gotten very weary of trying to build lasting relationships with new people – it’s not an easy thing to do at all. Some days I think that that’s my downfall and the bane of my existence. I haven’t found enough of my kind of people in the world, and the few that I have I cherish very dearly but I would like to find more.

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19.

I would like to say that I’m doing well. But I’m not focused or motivated at all. I don’t feel like studying, let alone preparing for the upcoming tests and what not. Lessons are incredibly tedious and draining because the lectures are not stimulating at all. And instead of feeling excited and anticipating the classes, I just go through the motions. I don’t even feel panicky for my upcoming tests because literally everything has turned out well thus far. In fact, some had exceeded my expectations. Maybe I just like being overtly strict with myself and panic at every little detail I fail to consider.

Otherwise, I’ve completed avatar: the last airbender and I don’t think that I shall begin on the legend of korra until finals are over. Wilbur is going fine and has learnt how to eat hay and kale! He also got another haircut and a bath, and he has huge testicles. I’m considering getting him a friend because I’m afraid that he would get lonely. Am also missing the buns because having her here would have been great. Also, just thought about how long more I have in this lovely land and its just 3.5 more years to go!

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