by Jolyn Low
I can’t sleep. My one and only check on the patient was at 1am, and I have an intra semester examination later today. It isn’t working; I’ve been trying to sleep since 11pm and I’m still up.
I’m thinking too much – trying to find a way for the future whilst dealing with the daunting-enough present. I am also trying very hard not live too much in my memories. It is difficult at times when I forget to be focused but this bad habit has been much better these days.
I just feel very troubled by everything. I don’t feel confident in my future plans for god knows how things change quickly. It’s been a long road even coming up with a plan. University is going fine, I don’t really care except that I need to know the things that I need, and be done with it. I am a long way from graduation but it’s really just 3.5 years to go. How time flies. And lastly, I just feel very sad. Nothing is wrong, really. I have a roof over my head, a wonderful workplace, intellectually challenging classes and a good support network. I’ve been trying very hard to take care of myself by doing the things that make me relaxed and happy. I’ve been cooking and trying new dishes, watching shows, listening to trashy music and going on runs and drives. If independence was my goal I must be doing very well indeed.
It might just be pms explaining the restlessness and crying. But it’s so abnormal, for I was going so damn well. I just long for something completely at odds with the rest of the world. And I know that no matter what I do, I cannot achieve what I would like to achieve. And I don’t find it fair at all.
It’s like watering a flower. I know that I have to give it sunlight and water for it to survive. And so I do. I water it every single day in hopes that it would bloom. But it kept shrivelling up and when I checked it a day later, it died. I feel completely upset because I had done everything within my ability to let it flourish. But what I had failed to consider was that plants need minerals to survive. The soil that the flower was in never really was suitable for it at all. But that was the only kind that I had in my backyard.
I can’t say for sure but I think I’ll be a lot happier if I was that flower today.