25.

by Jolyn Low

I couldn’t sleep for the life of me because I was toying with the thought of leaving. This was probably because I tried very hard to think of a solution which would allow me to exploit all the opportunities presented to me. It makes me feel selfish and greedy because I want things to work out the way that I want them to, even if it is at the expense of someone else. But that is what the world is, isn’t it? Opportunities have expiry dates, and time is an extremely precious commodity.

Currently, the plan is to quit at the end of the year and to return home for 3 months. I will sell everything – Marcelo, Wilbur, and all my furniture. I don’t see sacrificing 3 whole months for another year’s worth of free rent to be worth it. And I want a break too. I haven’t gotten one back at home at all. The only one that I had was last winter for a month. And even so, it was not spent well. Not at all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too focused on my single goal – hireability at the end of 350k worth of an education. The last time I’d done normal young adult things was so long ago. Then again, I don’t think that I appreciate the things that most others do. It makes me unrelatable and cold, distant from everyone else because I grew up with a hunger for personal success and approval. The result of every single teacher telling you that you’re not good enough is a good dose of competitiveness, bitterness and anger. I’d thought about it a lot. And the only thing that really drives me is desperation as well as a hopefully unwavering belief in what I do.

I was so skeptical about a cat that we have in because I vaguely remember being warned about it. Approaching unfamiliar and unknown animals makes me wary just because of survival instincts. But it didn’t kill me so I tried rubbing its face and it started purring! So I gave it cuddles and attention because nice patients get extra love.

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