Decisions

by Jolyn Low

I’m not one to quit. In fact, when I look back upon it, I have never. When I wanted to give up on piano, especially when it came to grade 8 and two consecutive failures, I simply cried and tried again. I eventually passed on my third try. Trainings were the worst because we had to do 4km before even commencing skills-related exercises. And I hated it because doing those 10 rounds took about 80% of my willpower for the day. This was especially so on Saturdays when the entire world was literally not awake. And even when I felt like I was stagnating and deteriorating, I refused to give up.

But now I feel like I must. I’d entertained the idea of booking a flight back at the end of November and felt gleeful and happy. I reckon that I just want to go home. It doesn’t feel like it is the right time for me to stay. It is not that I am terribly unhappy or burnt out (yet), I just don’t want to be here and continue for now, and so it has to be this way.

I want to be able to feel completely comfortable at home and obligation-free. To go out and meet my friends for meals and movies, and do silly things like taking Honey on walks without the thought of being on duty holding me down. It is also other things: I haven’t met some of my friends for close to a year and a half and it is a pity. I haven’t been on a date, like a proper wine-dine-movie kind of date with a near stranger, in ages. I kind of liked dating and the thrill of it even though I find it a huge waste of resources at times. And even though I would very much rather spend my life in pjs and cozy sweaters, hiding away from everyone in the world, I kind of like dressing up and feeling good just because I can. It’s supposed to be a very normal thing though, isn’t it? To go on dates, learn how to talk to people and learn new things.

If I end up all alone with 3 poodles and a cat, no one can blame me for not trying because frankly speaking, I totally did. I might even be happier because animals are unconditional in their love and knowing me I’m emotionally retarded and incredibly fucked up. Maybe God just didn’t give me a partner because he’s being mean, karma and I’m perfectly fine all by myself. “I am strong and independent. I don’t need anyone!” But at the same time: the world is harsh, I am small, someone please help [small voice].

But yeah, fuck it. Come the end of sem 2, I’m going home.

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