Rabbit holes

by Jolyn Low

I’m not feeling well tonight. I think it was the frozen pizza that I’d eaten too much of. Or maybe it’s the lack of sleep. I’d spent a majority of last night and the wee morning finishing up DOTS. I quite enjoyed it. And since most Korean dramas are a hit or miss with me (as I give them the first episode to convince me to watch the rest), I was pleasantly surprised. I think I just liked the combination of doctors and soldiers (because who doesn’t like a man in uniform, right?), and I just loved the characters. I don’t think I’d laughed that genuinely watching a show because a majority of the ones that I watch are full of betrayal and murder, never romantic love and comedy.

I was bored so I did some character strengths test in preparation for a camp, which is held in the middle of winter (I angst). Apparently, my top 5 “strengths” are: industry, diligence & perseverance/ judgement, critical thinking & open mindedness/ hope, optimism & future mindedness/ honesty, authenticity  & genuineness/ fairness, equity & justice. I think that they are quite representative of the things that are most important to me.

Tonight was a shit night though. I feel terrible that the animals under my care are not 100% healthy and happy. I was also tired – that despite my nausea I had to clean up after a sickly/silly dog. At times like these, I really dislike my job because I don’t have to put myself through this. I really don’t. It simply reaffirms my decision to leave. Also, I have always said that if you can’t save yourself, you can’t save someone (or something) else. I don’t mind being sick or tired. I like being self-sufficient and taking care of myself, even when I let myself be a slob at times. I suppose that I just get exhausted doing it all by myself even when all I really want to do is to sleep and have someone care, even if it is only for a little bit. I think that is why people have one night stands. Either to prove something to themselves, or to feel like someone else gives a shit about them being alive. That’s the shitty part of being well and truly alone.