Spite

by Jolyn Low

I got really angry because I didn’t want to be contacted, and especially not to solve problems that I cannot solve. My main issue was that I didn’t want to be contacted by my family after having spent a good 8 days with them straight. I appreciated the time spent together, and am very grateful for the opportunities afforded to me due to their support. However, I just wanted some time alone to finally relax because family holidays are not that relaxing at all, and I’d had my fair share of stress in petty arguments, of assholes, exams and driving in extremely dangerous conditions.

I think that I am simply very selfish. I am extremely self-serving and have simply found everyone else’s needs and desires to be a burden when it goes against my expectations and needs.

I have become completely detached from group dynamics after having spent literally 11 out of the past 12 months away from home, for good reason. If I am to spend the rest of my life working my ass off to repay my debts and because, filial piety and promises, I just want some time alone. All I wanted was some space, which I wasn’t getting. And I know how ungrateful and wrong it is but I just got very intolerant of guilt trips and a lack of freedom.

Now I’m not sure if I can survive a prospective 3 month summer break back in Singapore. Pros: food (no kidding), (my own) money, proximity, intern, work, Honey. Cons: family, lack of freedom, routines, dealing with problems, crowds, lack of acceptance and literally everything I dislike about how I grew up. Because everyone feels entitled to force me into living my life the way they want me to. #1 reason why I want to move out. If success is the road to getting to do whatever the fuck I want, then challenge accepted I’ll do it.

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