by Jolyn Low

My mind is all over the place tonight despite the fact that I have to get my ass to the farm by 9am. I feel slightly anxious and very unprepared for the weather is not in my favour and driving in inclement weather freaks me out. Marcelo, despite having never broken down on me before is not a sturdy and reliable car. At times like these I thank god for seeing me through some very dangerous situations behind the wheel, and am relieved that I applied rain repellant on my car.

I just feel very emotionally disturbed and unstable – not like I have the best record of being stable at all. To be very honest nothing is wrong. I don’t have any problems at the moment. In fact, life is pretty cruisey. But I just feel very rattled and jarred, unsure of many things that I’d been quite certain about. And this doesn’t settle well with the part of me that likes to plan far ahead and set goals at all. Like, how do I know where to channel my efforts and resources when I have no feedback at all? I suppose that that is life – that some gambles just never pay off.

I have decided on my goals for next semester though. I want to focus on my studies and get the grades that I desire. I also want to learn more at the clinic and be more proactive whilst I am still here. Lastly, I want to take better care of myself – mentally, physically and psychologically. That means eating well, working out more and taking breaks to do the things that make my soul feel light again. Whilst I would like to achieve, I do not want to get burnt out this early. And I also think that I’m at that stage where I need to ensure my personal wellness and prioritise growth above anything else.

I think I just ate too much food today such that I’m on a sugar high and can’t sleep. RIP me in 6 hours.