by Jolyn Low

I am done with all my pracs except for my 2-week extensive, which I shall be commencing tomorrow. I’m a tired mess. I finished my goat prac just today, and I’ve completed the activity log, preserved my weeds/toxic plants for scrapbooking purposes, cleaned the apartment for the benefit of my new housemate, watched my new drama series, checked my results, did laundry because all my overalls and socks are dirty and started packing for farm prac. I am so exhausted it’s not funny, and tonight I have many checks to do because a patient had an exploratory laparotomy. I am afraid of letting myself sleep because I fear that I will not wake up for my 2am check and medications. My body is screaming at me yet I can do nothing but try my best to plod on forwards.

On top of this ridiculousness, I’ve to drive two and a half hours tomorrow to the farm. I also have to start working on some online training tools before I do stupid shit like driving 220kms back to uni and then back to the farm on Monday and Thursday for a training workshop cum final interview for a job at school. It doesn’t feel like it’s worth it for it does not mean that I shall succeed in getting the position, and the blatant clash of farm prac and work opportunity doesn’t feel particularly fair but enough with the victim mentality. I shall just grit my teeth and go through with the sheer amount of effort even though it might fall through in the end.

Results were out today and I feel relieved. I have performed well yet again, and my GPA still stands. I don’t know what would be worse, trying harder and harder to keep it to 4.0 because of my personal demands for excellence or seeing it drop for the first time since I began uni. This competitive edge really never wears out. And whilst I thrive off competition and excelling, its so tiring. What’s the point when there are some things that knowledge and effort cannot buy? I wish I knew what I am working towards more often than not. I really, truly do not know why I try sometimes. All I do is play my cards according to my current hand and pray that it leads me to a good place in the long run.

I shall write again when I am done with this whirlwind of a time. I really hope that I do not crumble and cry.