30.

by Jolyn Low

Against all odds – driving 3 hours for the final interviews, sacrificing sleep and feeling so insecure I could die, I got the job. I am ecstatic. This is everything I could have hoped for and more. Alongside my live-in position, I would have more than enough to cover my living expenses and perhaps even save a little for my future plans. My goal at the end of last year was to get to where I am today. And I am glad that I have indeed made it.

I would be lying if I said that it isn’t daunting to be juggling my studies, live-in commitments and work. I admit that I am being greedy because I want it all – good grades, practical experience, and money. I’m not one to simply study because I feel capable of doing more. I know that I can. Or, at least I am very determined to do so. If anything, I push myself hard because I know what I want whilst recognising my limitations. But the vet was right – it is lonely to simply live to work.

I told her that I foresee 2 different futures; I would either immerse myself in work or I would be more family orientated and I suppose, chill and happy. In return I was advised to do what she didn’t do – which was to find someone/start a family when I’m still young. I find that I always get told to avoid what others regret doing especially with regards to finding a partner and settling down. ‘Just go out with friends, you know, and meet guys’. It’s not so easy when relationships seem like such big investments to make, and I have literally spent 99% of my life single and happy. How do I get to know someone? When do you know that that person is ‘the one’? I happen to hear a lot from people who have regretted. And of the wide range of females in this world, many of whom get validated for their looks or bodies, my best qualities happen to be that I like to learn, am gutsy and quite independent.

I don’t know, it feels like one of those things that I will never figure out despite the fact that I would like to live in loved-up affection all day until I die. And hopefully that outweighs feelings of responsibility and burdensome things (BAD STUFF) by far.

At the same time fuck societal expectations: it’s like what’s wrong with you, you’re 21, you’re supposed to be at your peak potential, value etc. why are you single?! why are you not dating?! Everyone else around you, 70% of your other friends are all attached what are you doing?! I don’t know man give me a break it’s not like my uterus is going to wither away and die whilst I pursue the things that make me happy. If it does then okay, no kids!

I have spent my past few days lazing, watching The Legend of Korra, perfecting my fried rice (but not really) and sleeping. I can’t get myself to complete my farm reports because I am simply lazy and hate how much work I forsee myself putting into it. I tried to read Othello but I find Shakespeare difficult to grasp. The language really tests my patience. On the bright side, uni is starting soon and I am excited to study, have challenges to work through and get money woohooo! It also means the coming of summer and beach days all day. Life is going to be good.

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