Isolated thoughts

Month: September, 2017

39 + 40

I have decided to combine two weeks’ updates into one, for I genuinely do not have the time or the energy. My 2.5 hour drive was a safe albeit exhausting one. And I came back to hundreds of notifications, the horror.

I have spent the past week on a farm with absolutely no connection to the world, in which I find relief. I have had the time to mull over the past, run away from the present, sleep for 9 hours every night and dream vividly. I have even managed to read a book in the midst of it. The days here are hard but are fantastic; I feel more confident in my sheep handling abilities than I’ve been in ages. And to think that it has only been a little over a year since I have first learnt how to handle them. Now, I catch flyblown sheep from a herd of 200, tip each and every one I need to and wrestle them about. But I still get soft over the lambs, think of their perspective when they get shorn and pity the poor animals sometimes. I don’t get too caught up over how each and every animal is treated. And I like the gore and am realistic to a fault. But I still find myself feeling great empathy for these animals – maybe this is the right career path for me after all.

I’ve had the most vivid and imaginative dreams; I can’t figure out if I welcome them or not. Or maybe I just don’t really care because I’m too tired trying to live my life to bother letting myself continue to feel hurt about failures. And to ponder or daydream about situations and possibilities that frankly seem impossible because I have learnt, more than anyone, to be hard and incredibly sensible and realistic.

When the television ads come on for some kind of diet milkshake, I said that I didn’t like the ad for it portrayed female figures that are impossible to obtain for the everyday woman. And that it made me take a hit to the self esteem. I do not doubt that I am skinny and not (too) hideous. But literally every other female in the room agreed with me, that it made them feel like shit. I hate how a bit of my mind wonders if — it is because I am not beautiful enough, or born with a lack of femininity. But I think that it is about time I gave my soul a break from the toxicity of the world and just lived according to my rules for a bit.

This week was a wonderful escape from the general shit fest of the world. And I am glad that I got to spend it this way. Also, surprise surprise, I did not study a bit for the past week. Or think about uni in general. This is incredibly liberating but I don’t quite welcome going back to society for just a bit longer. I wish.

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38.

In 9 years, I think that I would like to live the white picket fence dream. And I hope that I get wrinkles in the corners of my eyes, and smile most of the time.

36.

There has been a recent cold front despite the fact that it is now officially spring. And lo and behold, I awoke on Thursday to no wifi; I have literally spent 72 hours without it, and to be very honest it is not too bad to be disconnected from the world at all. I feel relieved, even, being uncontactable unless I so desired. I’d even forgotten to check Facebook, which is the go-to information site for all my going-ons in Perth.

My study break has been spent lazing, studying, going to the gym and doing stupid shit like getting a pair of guinea pigs. They are currently residing in an old drawer in my tiny room and I hope that I don’t die from an allergy overload. I have had a rather busy week – I haven’t had a quiet night in quite as long. But despite the erratic sleep schedule and walking dogs at 4am, it certainly felt rewarding seeing my charges get better and be discharged. At the same time, the sad irony is that despite all good intentions some efforts come in vain. I feel frustrated; but such is life. If there is anything my most pointless and hopelessly painful experiences have taught me it is that individual efforts don’t really matter in the big clusterfuck of the universe. And that it is okay to give up – on the things or people that are not meant to be.

What I really desire at the moment is for my wifi to come back on so that I can resume my idiosyncratic exploration on Tinder. Bored? Swipe right. Need attention? Chat somebody up. If only we approached something as inexplicably irrational as love and relationships with the same rationality we use to govern all other parts of our lives.