39 + 40
by Jolyn Low
I have decided to combine two weeks’ updates into one, for I genuinely do not have the time or the energy. My 2.5 hour drive was a safe albeit exhausting one. And I came back to hundreds of notifications, the horror.
I have spent the past week on a farm with absolutely no connection to the world, in which I find relief. I have had the time to mull over the past, run away from the present, sleep for 9 hours every night and dream vividly. I have even managed to read a book in the midst of it. The days here are hard but are fantastic; I feel more confident in my sheep handling abilities than I’ve been in ages. And to think that it has only been a little over a year since I have first learnt how to handle them. Now, I catch flyblown sheep from a herd of 200, tip each and every one I need to and wrestle them about. But I still get soft over the lambs, think of their perspective when they get shorn and pity the poor animals sometimes. I don’t get too caught up over how each and every animal is treated. And I like the gore and am realistic to a fault. But I still find myself feeling great empathy for these animals – maybe this is the right career path for me after all.
I’ve had the most vivid and imaginative dreams; I can’t figure out if I welcome them or not. Or maybe I just don’t really care because I’m too tired trying to live my life to bother letting myself continue to feel hurt about failures. And to ponder or daydream about situations and possibilities that frankly seem impossible because I have learnt, more than anyone, to be hard and incredibly sensible and realistic.
When the television ads come on for some kind of diet milkshake, I said that I didn’t like the ad for it portrayed female figures that are impossible to obtain for the everyday woman. And that it made me take a hit to the self esteem. I do not doubt that I am skinny and not (too) hideous. But literally every other female in the room agreed with me, that it made them feel like shit. I hate how a bit of my mind wonders if — it is because I am not beautiful enough, or born with a lack of femininity. But I think that it is about time I gave my soul a break from the toxicity of the world and just lived according to my rules for a bit.
This week was a wonderful escape from the general shit fest of the world. And I am glad that I got to spend it this way. Also, surprise surprise, I did not study a bit for the past week. Or think about uni in general. This is incredibly liberating but I don’t quite welcome going back to society for just a bit longer. I wish.