Isolated thoughts

Month: October, 2017

44

I will be heading back to Singapore in 4 weeks’ time, and whilst I suppose I am looking forward to being back I do not really truly do. I have booked a week of farm prac and am possibly going to stay for a little longer than a short week for once. And amongst the bits of Singapore that I am looking forward to its possibly the friends, the food and my dog, given that she still remembers me.

This semester has been so exhausting as of late. The past 3 months have honestly felt more like a year considering the amount of change in my life. I have new relationships, tried to maintain old ones, gotten new gigs and find myself juggling more than I have ever imagined myself balancing than ever before. I have been trying so hard, and seeing so little progress and gotten sucked into the toxicity of a culture I have longed to leave behind. Even so, I have succeeded in more than one ways this semester – and for that I am grateful. I don’t quite regret the days I went out and explored this city instead of studying. And I suppose that is my attempt at achieving a balance between work (3 now) and my studies.

Otherwise, whilst extremely busy and stretched thin at times, I am okay. I have achieved more than I could have ever dreamed of when I first embarked on this journey 2 years ago, and I am more determined than ever to pursue my dreams. And even these dreams change – I have a completely different goal in mind compared to when I first started vet school. I genuinely hope that I do indeed make it against all odds, best if I do before I turn 30. I count myself fortunate that I am almost completely free to dedicate my entire being to being the best I can be. I don’t think that there is anything that could possibly hold me back. And whilst a lonely path to take, I am confident in myself.

At least a little bit.

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43

I always feel quite amazed whenever I think of how far I’ve come from the start of this year. 3 years feels like a long way to go, but I’m just 5 weeks away from completing two and it feels good. There is an end to this, and I might not be running so hard to stay in the same place after all.

This week has been great. I did some extracurricular dissections, had a great night with my friends over home-cooked Japanese food and made decent chawanmushi. Today I went for a hike and did a good 5km loop trail, going off the known track and am still alive. I wish for more weeks to be like it.

42.

I almost got scammed whilst trying to sell my car. People suck.

41.

This evening I reached my car on autopilot mode and had a cold slice of pizza from the free one I managed to snag from the common room. I was hungry and incredibly drained for I had spent the previous two nights getting up at 4am for work. Up to today I still do not regret my work, and I find it incredibly rewarding. But I always wonder if there is a better alternative; a more carefree and yet beneficial position to have but I think that I am doing okay.

Someone asked me if I have cried over my studies before and I said that I hadn’t. Simply because I had entered this year mentally prepared for the jump from the first, and I had experienced the worst kind of helplessness and prevailed. This is not to say that I don’t experience any stress at all; that’s a lie. I still study and try but I do not beat myself up over things that I do not know, and neither do I panic at the thought of learning what appears to be an insurmountable amount of information. And hell, if a competitive streak keeps me in the game I’d play it to my best.

Instead, I think I cry over the more sentimental things. Beneath the usual coldness and apathy lie my sensitive and human bits. And I cry when I feel sad, when people cry over their losses and when I am tired.

I just wish to not feel tired all the time.