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by Jolyn Low

I have my first paper in approximately 12 hours time. I’m excited if nervous as per normal – I feel quite unsure about what might come out for this unit as it does not have very concrete learning objectives to fulfill.

My week was spent studying or trying to do so, with little bits of hanging out with friends and tutoring in between. I ran one last exam prep session in front of 40 people, which was incredibly daunting, to say the least. For as long as I can remember I am not a confident speaker, and I still doubt myself especially when I’m not a master of the subject at hand. But baby steps will do – I am convinced that one day I’d be comfortable standing in front of 600 people and speaking.

On further reflection, I think that I do make a good tutor – I listen more than I speak, and I am earnest in my attempts at putting things across in a suitable way. I care about my students and their learning, and I do things for their benefit. I genuinely hope that they go well in their studies and not just because I get performance reviews and statistically analyzed. Not even because my pay is based on their feelings of having benefitted. I just want them to do well in life.

Of course I, too, want to do well. 4 exams in the next 5 days and 7 papers in total before I can head home for a fortnight – this too shall pass.

Update: I had my first paper this morning and I feel terribly drained and weary. I am not convinced that I will be able to score the 73% that I need to obtain a high distinction, and I feel like utter crap. I don’t know how to deal with getting anything other than perfect grades. And I would feel like shit when I break my streak of what I consider to be necessary grades. I wish I had been more alert and studious, and more present during the exam perhaps. Now on to anatomy and crying because I am even more convinced that I will not make the grade that I want.

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