Isolated thoughts

Month: January, 2018

4. Onwards

I’ve been making it a point to read more this year. Hopefully, given that I muster up some blatantly lacking discipline and determination, I would be able to cover 52 books. I’m currently sitting at a measly 7, which doesn’t really encourage me but it will have to do. Of all the ridiculous things that I can cry over – sad love stories and the like, I still find myself crying over animals dying in the books. It is ridiculous, and I am so embarrassed because I think that the first time I did cry reading a book was when a foal in the book died as well. I’ve been trying to train myself to be less of a crybaby but damn, it really hits me hard.

I don’t struggle with the fact that I would spend a significant amount of time putting animals down in the future though. As long as I don’t feel attached or invested in someone else’s story. That will be fine.

February has been good thus far. Some friends and I went mini golfing and had brunch at this beautiful restaurant in the hills. It’s so beautiful – I want to bring my family here if they’re ever in Perth again.

Other than lazing at home I’ve been spontaneously hanging out with friends when they pop by to visit and it has been great. I love having the flat to myself, and spring cleaning is rather therapeutic. I’m refurbishing my room and buying myself new furniture, which hopefully goes well. I also went through all the crap that is the kitchen cupboards and cleared out all the things that have just been left to rot. Do I get good karma if I donate and give to the needy? I really hope so.

I’m very excited for my trip to Hong Kong over the easter study break. I’ll finally be out of the country for a bit and in luxury for just a little while. It’s my first time flying SIA for the longest time, and I am literally so excited to have congee, xlb and heaps of dim sum. I also get a couple of days at home with the dog. Life is so good, and I can’t be more grateful for everything that has happened. This life is more than good enough. Also, a reminder to myself that I am good enough.

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3. Virgin tries

I woke up at 4am and saw a cockroach running around my room so I staked it out for 5 minutes before smashing it with my drug classification book. First time killing a big one and I feel accomplished as hell – this is coming from someone who would call for her brother to kill the little ones back at home. Goes to show when you’ve got no one to depend on you suddenly become brave.

This led to OCD cleaning of every corner of my room and now I’m going to spray every gap to make sure every insect dies before it enters my room.

I spent Australia day trying to snorkel but really just getting thrown about by the waves. The reef cut my knees and shins and I feel quite afraid of the open sea in all honesty. We had a picnic in a little cove before heading back to weed. Which resulted in a ridiculous afternoon falling on our asses (because wrestling weeds and using one’s body weight to pull them out is a thing) and laughing about how we got ripped off doing this all for $10 chicken nuggets.

What a day of firsts – first time snorkeling and weeding.

On a sad note, it’s coming to the end of January. In my eyes this month has completely flown by; I am completely not ready for year 3 and for uni to restart. Thankfully enough I have fewer shifts this month so I will have more time to read and prepare myself and not be an idiot when school restarts.

My eyes are watering for no reason and my head is so sunburnt it hurts to shower in warm water. Perhaps spending winter break back home won’t be a bad idea at all. We shall see.

I spent some time with old friends visiting old haunts and hangouts. I also saw the sunset around 8pm which is rare these days. I love how alien it looks, and I don’t think I will ever tire of watching the last bits of light disappear. It reminds me that every bad day has its end, and I will find a home. Eventually.

2. Alternatives

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how life would be like in another universe. What if I’d not chosen to focus my efforts in Perth, and instead in Singapore? Would I be lazing my summer away at home, close to whatever friends and family I have but without purpose and ambition? But enough about ‘what ifs’ about a parallel universe in which I retain some idiotic optimism about the prospect of a career in Singapore. More recently, I’ve been considering what I want in my future.

I would wish for stability and love. To wake up in someone else’s arms and roll out of bed with lots of time to cook breakfast and do domestic things. I would like a poodle or poodle-cross-something. And it should have a companion, which the imaginary partner can choose because I’m cool with anything. A fluffy black cat with intriguing green eyes would be a nice addition, and two kids (preferably boys) might be alright. But in this case, I am isolated and it is impossible for such a situation to occur in SG because I imagine a temperate climate, lots of space to run around and homey architecture.

More realistically, I shall struggle to pursue my career and bring it to the greatest heights I could possibly bring it to. I will probably reach 30 before I know it and panic about being 30 and alone. This might involve a shotgun marriage of some sort given that, fingers crossed, I am attractive enough to be snapped up then. And I just hope that I do not lose sight of my ultimate goal.

But enough of what-ifs – because I have clearly chosen. And I chose to run away.

Add on: I have realized that the only things I feel confident making in the kitchen are fried eggs, salmon, mashed potatoes, japanese curry and aglio olio. Lord save me. Also, mulling over the idea of a tattoo. Hm.

1. Tumultuous

I’ve been feeling raw and upset due to a few situations regarding work and I just need to get it off my chest. I’m very grateful that my mother still video calls me on the regular despite juggling a full-time job and keeping a house in order. God knows how she video called me every single night when I was at my most tumultuous state. And hence I’ve had her guidance on how to handle these rather delicate matters because my initial reaction is extreme frustration and anger and it would’ve meant a confrontational and aggressive way of dealing with it.

I just feel so incredibly frustrated that despite all my hard work and effort, having done nothing wrong, that screw-ups of this sort exist. It’s more work and it stresses me out for it directly affects me – and frankly speaking I do not think that I deserve this. Not after driving 3 hours in the dark to get to uni for a training workshop where my position wasn’t guaranteed. Racking up 1200kms in the span of a week and almost falling asleep at the wheel because I was just so damn exhausted. Not after sacrificing compulsory lesson time to help others. And not after having done everything by the book and professionally. I am sincerely praying for everything to be settled the way I hope for it to be tomorrow. Please.

Whilst everything is now almost all settled with work, I’ve just had the worst 24 hours in the longest while. I feel terrible. And I am doubting myself a lot right now, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I really wish I would just cry and get everything out of my system but it’s not happening and I wonder when I would snap.

On the bright side, yesterday was good hanging out with friends, gymming and going window shopping. I quite like going to the mall with people who shop a lot because it’s refreshingly exhilarating to go around trying on clothes, especially the styles you never thought you’d pull off in your life. I reckon it satisfies the vainest bits of me whenever I find something that looks really damn good on me but my practical side prevented me from blowing a hundred bucks on an evening outfit because I live the poor student life. Maybe if it goes on sale in about 2 months.

Of resolutions

I spent my new year anti-climatically motion sick, tossing in bed and working on an animal that would inadvertently be put to sleep. It was sad, and I decided that I would never knowingly purchase an animal with a severe breed disposition towards certain diseases unless I was personally capable of ensuring otherwise. I wrote my first sympathy card and also watched Howl’s Moving Castle which has got to be one of my favourite animated movies ever.

On the bright side, I am quite financially comfortable at the moment, which is a relief for someone supporting their living expenses by themselves. Whilst lazing around watching While You Were Asleep and now Love O2O (in a desperate attempt to improve my Chinese and also because the leads are perfect – I am fangirling), I now feel well rested enough and ready to take on year 3. I’ve decided that I shall attempt to save $5k this year, improve my Chinese, give my all in my studies, whilst taking the time to care for myself and the people around me. I am also determined to put more effort into cooking different cuisines – like how I made kimchi fried rice for the very first time today, doing my laundry properly and keeping the apartment clean because a good environment does wonders for my overall mood. Also, I will try my best to curb FOMO and learn how to say no whilst also making sure that I do take time off to enjoy myself when I’m not at uni.

Overall, the endless jostling and repositioning myself in this long, arduous race continues. But I will pursue this with a renewed sense of vigour and with slightly more wisdom and a bit of relief for I have come further than I have ever expected thus far with good grades, a comfortable place to learn and live for free and well-paying jobs that contribute to my resume. I also like to think that I have grown more comfortable in my own skin and become slightly vainer in a good way i.e. wearing girlier *chokes* things on the regular even though to be very honest I’ve only recently purchased a handful of new clothes when they were all on sale and ~5 bucks.

On this subject of vanity, I was very struck by the scene in Howl’s Moving Castle where Sophie has an outburst saying “So you think you’ve got it bad? I’ve never once been beautiful in my entire life!”. I feel that every day I wake up to frizzy hair, stubby limbs, less than elegant features and frustratingly blurry sight to the extent that I will not be able to see a loved one’s face even though they’re right beside me. So, lastly, I resolve to love myself more this year, all broken and ugly bits included, and treat myself the way I would like to be.