13.

My friends tell me that I have a habit of drastically changing the way I look every 2 years or so. In that case, I wonder how I’ll look like in 2020 when I get out of uni and enter the working world.

On that topic – I wish that I had “settled” for my career. For it seems like I will never be able to start a family without drastically altering my career trajectory or freezing my eggs. And all I want, really, in my adult life is enough money, love and to start my own family.

Highlights from study break:

  • I am obsessed with HK. I want to work there whilst I am still young and unsettled, and I can foresee myself loving life there. It’s the perfect melting pot of urbanised yet surrounded by nature, which I love.
  • Escape rooms are fun when you are a wimp and die at the thought of being in a room alone in the dark. Also when you succeed because it reaffirms that you’re not that stupid after all.
  • I had all the food that I love – I am so satisfied. I had this amazing Chinese set lunch with my parents before rushing to the gate to catch my flight. I also brought back some local food I am so happy.
  • Checked out a bespoke bar on Good Friday which I was pleasantly surprised by. Then headed to get prata¬†(but failed), before settling at the same old bar near home and trying to get wrecked by ordering a long island aka ‘I am here to get messed up please save me’. Didn’t die, got home safely and hated myself a little more that night.
  • I went to church and found the babies cute. Is it innately programmed into every female to coo over fat little baby human beings?
  • Honey is love, and she gives me life when I have to do work.
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12.

I can’t tell if I’m being overly hormonal and chronically stressed out, but I am undoubtedly very sad. The kind where I want to come home to the comfort of a warm embrace and ‘it’s going to be okay’ but as I have recently learnt, niceties get you nowhere.

My head hurts. My heart – not so much.

11.

I’m in my ‘ok, time to clear out the pantry before I leave for 9 days, good riddance’ stage where I try my best to finish everything but I’m always 2 potatoes and 5 carrots away from achieving my goal. And then again it is incredibly tempting to buy that 10kg bag of rice that I do not urgently need, alongside a good kilo of salmon because it is cheap.

I am glad that I’m taking time off to go back despite the possibility of falling behind on already abysmal grades because:

1. I need a break from work and trying (+ failing) to be the better man.

2. Life has been extremely trying. I feel like I’ve just dived head into a choppy sea, and sure, it is slightly calmer underwater but I’m sinking. And it’s only week 3.

3. I’ve been questioning why I try so hard to keep up with my studies, work and get involved when really, does it matter in the end? I will, realistically speaking, never be rich no matter how much effort I put into all my pursuits. Unless I somehow become a tai-tai, but what’s the sheer likelihood of that?

4. I hate people. Passive-aggressive moment here but I struggle to live with people sometimes. I acknowledge that I am anal and selfish – because all of us are self-serving creatures to an extent. But I will never take advantage of my living situation without giving due consideration to my position, and neither will I impose for an extended period of time. Furthermore, I will not be surly and rude despite feeling uncomfortable or timid maybe, and I will basically never be a surly, unpleasant bitch to someone who is otherwise a stranger. No matter what someone else says.

10.

 

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18 more days, my love. Just 18 more days!

Also had a great weekend – with a dinner, mahjong, another dinner with friends, alone time, and a hike and brunch after at an amazing cafe. I wish to convince myself that this can be enough for me; it is more than enough.

I think my plans to explore Australia with my cousin might have gone down the drain. And whilst I am somewhat disappointed, I am rather relieved as I am not too keen on parting with the nice sum of money that I have saved just to travel in a way I might not 100% agree with. I literally do not want to be the kind of person that has no money of my own. And I suppose with every disappointment comes a blessing – I have more time to do my clinical prac, write my report and hopefully work more.

I have my whole December back in Singapore and I do not know what to do with it other than to swipe tinder relentlessly for shits and giggles and in an attempt to widen my social circle. Then again I hate shallow conversations with dick heads and I refuse to invest any time or resources getting to know someone if it doesn’t result in a future together. Which basically means that I can’t even be bothered to try because I do not know my future i.e. working in SG as a fresh grad is not a goal I am actively setting out after because really, I have nothing other than Honey and my family to come back for. Someone bless my nunnery and dedication to saving animals, please.

I think that I would love to settle where I can spend my weekends having quality time doing the things that make my soul happy like hikes and brunch after. Where I can experience the seasons as they change and actually live in a little place completely mine and done up by me. I’d be damned if this actually happens and I end up somewhere I would love to be.

9.

Searching for cheap air tickets because I want to attempt solo tripping in my month back home in December but I realise that the northern hemisphere is cold, which I am shit at dealing with. I am also semi-terrified about the prospect of being an awkward potato in social situations, and asking strangers about how to get to places because I am shy.

I was babbling to my Mom in Chinese because god forbid someone understands what I’m bitching about, and I cussed (in Chinese) and my Mom found it amusing and laughed.

I find that university makes relationships go awry very easily. Or, to put it in better words, the uncertainty of the future and the lack of constant contact because it is an awful lot of effort to keep giving attention when one has so many other (more pressing) things to focus on. The only way I can see it work out is in the scenario of being in the same university or in close living proximity, with a clear view of what the future holds (ie no grossly incompatible futures). And whilst listening to the people I care about I find myself biting my tongue more often than not because I hate seeing that unsettled emotional state in someone else.

But perspectives are often very skewed, and to be frank despite having the capacity to remember a lot of useless shit I cannot recount many experiences with confidence. So basically whilst being objective I started reflecting and finding a lot of fault in myself. I realise that I might have a lot of self-loathing for a lot of things that I did in the past. Regardless of whatever I thought/felt, it really doesn’t justify lashing out. But, whatever, right as long as everyone is happier now. Far better to be labelled a psycho bitch than anything else.